Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Barking Up the Wrong Tree





                           
                      Top 3 Things That Piss Ella Off 


                                      1.  Idiot Drivers

                                      2.  Dreaded SIL, Patty

                                      3.  Dogs Barking





At first I started to make a comprehensive list of everything I could think of that pisses me off.  It soon became evident that such a list would be far too long!  There were some great ones, though.  Like people who blab on their cell phones in restaurants.  Like people who can't park between 2 lines.  Like "failing schools" and "failing teachers!"  Anyway, I just picked my top 3 for the purposes of this post.  I think Sam would agree with these choices as we have so many "discussions" about them. 


As far as patience while driving is concerned, that is a very up and down thing for Ella.  Remember the "little girl with the little curl" nursery rhyme?  "And when she was good, she was very, very good.  And when she was bad, she was horrible."  This usually affects my evening commute most often.  You have all heard tales of Ella and the Speedy Little Truck.


  


And, of course, most of my readers would also suspect that the Dreaded SIL would be in the top three as well.  She will probably never slip below the mark - that woman has a remarkable capacity to piss me off.


But I don't think I have ever discussed barking dogs.  For some reason, dogs barking drives me crazy!  Our dogs and anyone else's dogs, too.  Our older dog is a real sweetie but has always enjoyed barking like hell when anyone comes near our house or has the audacity to walk down our street.  The younger dog is not the brightest crayon in the box but has embraced this one bad habit from her older sister.  When someone rings the doorbell, it is as if they feel they must warn everyone in a 5 mile radius of imminent danger.






If we know a friend or family member is coming over, it helps quite a bit to put the dogs in the front bedroom for 5 or 10 minutes before anyone arrives.  They come out happy and calm, and the worst thing might be excessive tail-wagging.  But when there is an unexpected guest, the din is obnoxious.  It is best if Sam deals with this.  He is infinitely more patient than I am.  He will either get them settled or put them in Doggie Time-Out.






But if the barking continues, Ella's temper starts to rise.  I try to be patient, but if pushed, only add to the cacophony.  Many times I have tried to lead them by the collar down the hall, but they are much stronger than I am.  After I got hurt a few times, Sam finally outlawed my "helping" some time ago.  I am to leave it to him.  "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" he asked and/or told me.  I thought I did.







So the other night, Son #2 and his lovely fiance came by a bit earlier than planned.  A holy hell canine ruckus ensued!  I started to lose it and felt Sam was not intervening quickly enough.  While
family waited at the front door, I grabbed one dog's collar and started trying to move an unwilling pet down the hall.  Sam's eyes narrowed and his finger pointed at me like the Grim Reaper coming to gather another poor soul.  "Ella, stop it right nowI will take care of this."  I let go of the dog immediately and opened the front door as soon as I heard Sam close the bedroom door.


Hugged my boy and sweet daughter-to-be.  The four of us talked and enjoyed each others' company.  I had to make a huge batch of chocolate chip cookies for work the next day, so I had mixed up the dough and started popping trays in the oven.  Knew that boy and Sam would start sampling the goods as soon as they were out of the oven.  They did, and the cookies passed inspection.






As soon as the kids left, Sam was back in the kitchen, and it wasn't for more cookies.


"I thought we had settled this problem you have with the dogs?  What did I tell you?"


In my opinion the problem is with the dogs, not me, but I did not say that.  "Um....I forgot.  Sam, you know I hate the barking," I pleaded.



This one is for Meredith


"Tough," he said, his voice just dripping with sympathy.  "Let's go," he continued, standing by the hallway, arms crossed over his chest.


I knew better than to argue; this spanking was going to happen as sure as the fishes swim and the birds do fly.  However, I thought I had the perfect reason for a postponement.  

"But, Hon, I have a batch of cookies in the oven."



He didn't budge but asked, "How long?"  


I looked at the digital timer on the range top and told him, "Three minutes."



"Plenty of time," was the answer.  

In 5 steps he was over to the counter.  In about 10 seconds, I was over said counter with my pants down, and he had some wooden kitchen utensil in his hand.  (Am seriously thinking of moving these to another less convenient location.)  When he started whaling away on my ass, I read the digital countdown.  Now, I have never been able to tell you how long a spanking lasts because of being preoccupied trying to live through it.  This time I can tell you exactly because it said "2:37."  And that is exactly how long this little fast and furious reminder took.  Even though I did not look at the timer again, I know because the timer went off. 


                       "Beep-Beep.... Beep-Beep....Beep-Beep"




"You're cookies are done," he said cheerfully as he delivered one last swat, "and so are we - all in under 2 minutes."  He seemed particularly proud of this.  I certainly wasn't going to correct him on the time discrepancy.  As I was moving cookies to the counter to cool, I suddenly thought of the modern trend called, "speed dating."  Was Sam some sort of trailblazer breaking ground on an even newer novelty?  Speed spanking?  As my bottom and the cookies cooled down, I said to myself, "Let's not even think about that."




                                              Epilogue

We just recently made the switch to Windows 10, and Sam and I were both loving the feature of being able to leave little virtual "Post-It" notes on the desktop.  Besides practical reminders, I embraced them as an innovative way to leave suggestive sexual messages.  Sam, too.  But the morning after the barking incident, the Post-It Sam left for me read, 

                "Just remember - your attitude can be adjusted 
                                  in under 2 minutes."  

                               I much prefer sexual innuendo. 



 

24 comments:

  1. Funny how sometimes 2 minutes is just 2 minutes, then other times it seems much longer, and other times it changes our day, and other times it reddens our bottoms....just 2 minutes seems unimportant, but when put to good use. Sam sure knows how to put 2 minutes to good use...
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abby, how very astute of you to seize on the 2 minutes component of this post. I believe you could turn that into a clever little post yourself, my friend.

      Hugs,
      Ella

      Delete
  2. I'm laughing but I know it's not funny. Love his post it note - very cute.

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    Replies
    1. He was just so proud of himself over this whole incident. The Post-it was simply the icing on the cake.

      Ella

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  3. Speed spanking, let's hope it doesn't catch on, prefer slow and steady. Where did you find those post it notes? Is it an app?
    Hugs from over here, DF

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    Replies
    1. I agree on slow and steady. I do not know where the post-its came from, but I promise to find out, DF.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

      Delete
  4. Ella,
    Speed spanking............ your cookies and your spanking came out even! When Sam decides to spank, there is no turning back. He and Jack are a lot alike. I loved your post, but wish I had had a cookie to nibble while I read it.
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Mere, despite all the action in the kitchen that night, the cookies came out perfectly. I know you are not supposed to really eat the dough, but I usually do not care.

      Ella With Her Mouth Full

      Delete
  5. Loved your post Ella. Had me laughing.

    I switched to Windows 10 but uninstalled it as it seemed to make my laptop slow.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you saw the humor, Ronnie. I suppose I did, too, after the fact. Yes, we had loads of trouble with Windows 10. We finally had to take the computer in to be updated properly.

      I have a new laptop coming, and I think Windows 10 is already installed. Maybe that is the angle. They want you to buy something new!

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

      Delete
  6. Hi Ella, sorry but I am laughing! Speed spanking is something my hubby is good at too. I have windows 10, no idea how to leave notes though! My computer skills are seriously lacking, :(
    love Jan, xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jan, I am as dumb as a stump when it comes to technology. Sam is usually my Loving Geek.

      Ella, the Tech-Challenged

      Delete
  7. You wouldn't have wanted to work at the veterinary hospital with me back in the day! You need to look up some video from the Dog Whisper, and it doesn't matter how old they are either. He can show you how to make the dogs hush with out touching them - he's really good.

    Don't you just love a good attitude adjustment! Regardless of the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will look for that video, PK. I always loved when that show was on TV.

      My attitude goes steadily down without some adjustment. Unfortunately, Sam does not always notice.

      Ella

      Delete
  8. Sorry Ella but am sitting here laughing my fool head off. I would definitely move those weapons of m'ass destruction to an inconvenient spot in the kitchen. PK has a great idea about the Dog Whisperer...have seen him do some amazing things. Good luck!

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Cat, moving the crock with all the cooking utensils might be a good idea. Except for when I am really cooking!

      Hugs From Ella

      Delete
  9. Sorry, Ella, I'm laughing too. Sam got his message across in more ways than one.

    My sticky notes are all mundane reminders, love your idea of saucy ones.

    Rosie xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The virtual reminders are the wave of the future, but there is always a place for lipstick on the bathroom mirror.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

      Delete
  10. Hi Ella, sorry but I had to laugh too. Speed spanking, how very efficient of Sam lol. He certainly got his point across quickly didn't he :) Love the note too.

    Now I'm on the hunt for cookies...

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cookies are never quite as good as they are still warm from the oven. I think I am in the mood for Snickerdoodles!

      Hugs From Ella

      Delete
  11. Ella, you had me laughing also. Hope speed spanking doesn't catch on here, I prefer a long slow spanking. Love the post it notes. Haven't noticed them with our windows 10, would love to know how you found them please?
    Hugs Lindy

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  12. Ouch---a speedy spanking using speed spanking!
    We have dogs that bark like mad. I'm always worried that the neighbors will hear us calling to them to be quiet!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Barking dogs... I can handle a slow barking dog if the bark isn't shrill... but I rented a flat in a house where my upstairs neighbors had a Parson Russell terrier that barked all day from 0600 until almost midnight. He barked hysterically and attacked the fence every time a car drove by. He was insane. The owners seemed oblivious to the noise. I somehow endured 4 years in that house. Never again.

    BTW I LOVE YOUR COOKIE PHOTO!!! I have not tasted or even seen homemade chocolate chip cookies for more than a decade! OMG they look amazing! :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. LOVED this post Ella! :) Speed Spanking! I know all about that one! Loved Abby's comment above! An awful lot can be "said" in about 2 minutes flat! OUCH!!! LOL!

    Very cute stickie you were gifted! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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