Once a year the bloggers I know and whose blogs I read set aside a special day to welcome readers that don't normally leave comments on the posts we write. We celebrate you even though we don't know who you are, because we remember being right there, too. I adamantly refuse to call you "lurkers" as this always sounds rather seedy and furtive to me. In fact Webster still gives the original definition of lurk as "to lie in wait in a place of concealment, especially for an evil purpose." I certainly didn't feel that way when I was first reading spanking blogs, but I ached in my heart to learn how I could have a relationship with my husband like the personal stories I read online. So, today I post for all of you out there that aspire like I did, and my LOL is an acronym for
"Love Our Learners."
I was trying to decide how I wanted to speak to you all this year. A fresh approach, if you will. A new angle. There is a dear friend who has had me thinking of writing a letter for the last few days, and suddenly, I knew what my topic would be. I wasn't going to write to you alone. I was also going to write to your partners, your husbands or your wives. I will probably use a husband as the intended recipient because that comes from my own experience. However, I know that there are couples out there who have created their own paradigm of This Thing We Do, and I would love to hear from you, too.
When a new blogger or reader pops up and catches my fancy, the most fascinating question I can ask is, "How did you get here?"
What part does spanking play in your psyche?
I call these your "Chapter One" stories. If you are now in a spanking relationship, your story has more of an "Ever After" component to it, even though the dynamic between the two people who practice ttwd never remains static. It is always growing and changing. But I see that as your Chapter Two or Chapter Three stories.
Chapter One has to do with everything that formed you into being a person who both desired and NEEDED spanking in your life. Some refer to it as being a "spanko." Not my favorite moniker,
but as of yet, I have not thought of anything better. I put NEEDED in capital letters because that's the way it feels when you want something so badly. You don't just want, you NEED. Your husband should emphatically know that this is like breathing to you. It is such a part of you down deep in your heart and soul that you will never be quite fulfilled without it. Never be quite as happy as you could be.
So this year my LOL post is meant for those out there who desperately want to be spanked. How do you make him understand? Perhaps you don't even know how to begin talking about it with your husband or perhaps you have explained and discussed this with your man, but he just isn't comfortable or in any way eager to enter into what many call a domestic discipline relationship. I have been there, too. There was no magic wand that made my "ever after" come true. It was a long and hard road.
I think the first thing a husband needs to know from you is where did this overwhelming desire for spanking come from.
"What's the matter with you, anyway."
"Why would you want to be spanked?"
Telling my story to Sam that first time was one of the hardest things I ever did. I really don't have many early childhood memories at all where I wasn't already fascinated with spanking. Don't really know what triggered it for me. It was just always there in my head. Like I had blue eyes and freckles when I was 5 years old, I also had spanking in my head. Surely you are all familiar with the companies who advertise to analyze your DNA. They are all over the television these days. What if I did that? Besides being Irish, Scotch, and French Canadian, would they find a spanking gene in my DNA? It feels that intrinsic to who I am. And truthfully, if I could pay a fee of $79.95 and find out why I am the way I am, I would pay it in a heartbeat. I have always wanted to know WHY.
Right from the start the spankings in my head followed a very set pattern. In my fantasy, I had misbehaved in some way that showed a flaw in my character. My vanilla self had a temper that did land me in trouble many times (still does), but that certainly wasn't the
It really seems to me that even as a child I instinctively knew that this NEED was something I had to keep private. I was very curious if other children I knew were spanked this way, but I was careful not to appear too interested. If the other kids were talking about a spanking, I was zeroed in on the conversation. Sounds strange but I can still remember the words that were used. Then there were pictures from comics or magazines that I would cut out and save to pore over once in a while. I kept them at the bottom of a pile of little treasures in a small wooden cedar chest. And stories in books! Or even just the word "spanking" was enough. I knew them by heart, and I have heard other bloggers mention the same obsession with a passage in a childhood book.
At this time of my life there was not anything sexual about my spanking thoughts, but as I grew into my teens, I think the fantasies centered more on a man or even an older boy doing the spanking. I met Sam when we were both 15 years old and there were times I did think of him spanking me, but I never confided in him in any way. There were several times in college when we had the privacy that I tried to goad him into spanking me, but I still maintain that at that time it never had a sexual connotation.
Soon I was a busy young wife and mother, and while the spanking thoughts never went away, it was easy to suppress them. After all, I was old enough to have an uneasy feeling that there was something perverted about it all. I think I felt rather than knew that if I ever told anyone, even Sam, they would think there was something wrong with me. Maybe Sam would not love me anymore. I believed I was a good person and that this part of me was something that was a little shameful.
Don't believe that the sexual component of spanking came until I was almost 30. Sam and I were having sex, and I was slow to orgasm. That wasn't a normal thing for me, and I was used to achieving orgasm regularly. I honestly can't remember if he asked me or I asked him but he gave me several whacks with his hand and I had a skyrocket orgasm straight away. Eureka! There were other benefits to spanking.
You would think in a marriage that has lasted decades, I would have told Sam about this desire, but I never did. We loved each other; that has never changed. But there were so many times over the years that there was just no way to solve a difference or to defuse the anger of one or both of us over a perceived slight or disagreement. We spent days or weeks living with silence or a begrudging truce. What a stupid way to settle a quarrel. What a waste of our time together.
I started out with my Chapter One story because at some point, if you really want your husband to understand who you are, you are going to have to tell him your story. He needs to know this isn't a passing fancy. You didn't just read Fifty Shades of Grey and want to give it a try. He has to know how deep this goes. As I have made friends with other bloggers, I have learned that there are remarkable similarities in our stories. As I began to be more comfortable with exploring on the Internet, I have read the stories of others and always hear them recall their early memories that were so much like mine.
There was such a loneliness all those years of my life when I thought I was the only one in the whole world with this NEED. Surely there couldn't be anyone else. Many years later when I found the blogs that spoke to the spanking part of me, I felt such joy that I would start crying, realizing that I wasn't the only one. I was so timid that for a long time I wouldn't even look online for fear Sam would somehow find my browsing history.
Funny how things work. It wasn't even the Internet that gave me the courage to talk to Sam. It was a tiny little sex advice column in a magazine. Just like in times of old, I cut it out and carefully saved it, determined to finally tell Sam who I really was. At that time I thought the most I could hope for was a spanking as a prelude to sex. And that is where I started. I also found a short list Sam had written long ago of sexual fantasies he had. We were still a very young married couple when we went through a tough period and saw a counselor once or twice. He suggested several things to help us communicate better. Oddly enough, most of them included writing to each other and listing things that we wanted to be different between us. Sam had written that list almost 35 years ago, and I had saved it all that time.
Again when you think about how to tell your husband who you are, I might suggest writing it down. Sometimes it is easier to get all your thoughts down on paper just the way you want to explain them, without the fear of him saying, "You want me to what?!?" I wrote to Sam a lot in the beginning. He could take his time to digest it before we sat down together, and I had to look him in the eye. The morning I first brought up the topic of spanking, he thought we were going to make love. Instead I made myself look as pretty as I could and first handed him his list from long ago. The look on his face went from confused to recognizing his own handwriting to wondering why I would have ever saved such a thing. He asked me something, but I quietly shook my head and handed him the little spanking clipping.
He read it, and his look was serious for a moment. Then he looked at me with a big smile.
"Is this what you want?" he asked. I nodded and dropped my eyes. There was already a warm feeling of dominant/submissive that day.
"Well, why didn't you tell me this before, Ella?" I couldn't answer right then, but I did get the first spanking of my life, and the lovemaking was incredible. It was a big day, and I still celebrate August 11th. As long as the spanking was connected to sex, Sam was all about it.
It was kind of like a button that read
"For Sex, Press Here."
Sam pressed the button quite often. He was scared to hurt me, but it was a spanking. That sort of opened the gate, but there was so much more to tell him, to explain, to hope for. The difference was that I didn't feel so ashamed anymore, and there was suddenly this intense connection between Sam and I. I was not expecting that at all.
Now, too, there was a freedom of sorts because I dug into spanking books and websites and blogs like I was trying to drink it all in as fast as I could. I was as thirsty as someone stranded in the desert; I couldn't get enough. I wasn't afraid of Sam finding out anymore. In fact Sam was happy to order me anything I wanted to read. After all, he loved pressing that button. So here I was, perhaps just as you are now. I knew what I wanted, but I did not know how to have Sam and I take that leap to This Thing We Do.
It probably came from being an English major and all that "the pen is mightier than whatever...." stuff, but when I found an article or post that talked about a domestic discipline relationship, I printed it. I had stacks and stacks of paper. At least one poor tree died when Ella was born. I read and reread the ones that touched me most. It was almost four months to the day before I sat with Sam for.... the big talk.
I didn't want to look him in the eye this time either. I sat next to him on the sofa sort of entwined with my head on his shoulder. I could feel him breathing and smell his scent, but both our eyes faced forward. The car worked well for a lot of later discussions, too. Eyes on the road. First I told him 3 or 4 things about myself that I did not like. These were not any big surprise to Sam. He probably could have listed those same 3 or 4 things himself. He was not sure where I was going with this discussion. Maybe he stuck with it thinking it might end in sex. I don't think Sam is much different than other guys with that train of thought.
Then I asked for him to help me be a better person, to overcome some of these faults I hated about myself, that I didn't seem to be able to change on my own. I described a structure of a sort where he was the boss about these certain things and made his expectations known to me. And where there was a consequence when they were not met. I could feel his body shift and stiffen, and I knew he was uncomfortable.
"You want me to spank you for losing your temper?" he questioned and pulled away enough to look me in the eyes. Again the submissive thing. I dropped my eyes and nodded. We talked a very long time that night. Several hours. I went on to tell him this was part of who I was. Part of what I had wanted all my life. I wanted to please him. I wanted to conquer my faults and know he was proud of me. I wanted him to help me be all I could be. The spanking with sex was fun, but that is not what I craved, what I NEEDED. I needed for him to be the boss and to make some of the decisions for me. I needed to feel he was stronger and willing to...
Care for me, not just care about me.
He didn't think he could do that when we first talked. He couldn't ever "hit" me. I was a grown up and should be able to make all those changes by myself if I really wanted. In the end all I asked of him that night was to agree to talk further and read together and even on his own.
I started asking him in a submissive manner if it would be OK to read and talk when we got home from work. Those saved posts and articles were what I drew from. For some reason Sam wanted me to read aloud to him. That ended up working well because he could stop me at any point and ask me a question.
"Do you feel the same way as this woman?"
"I would not be comfortable with that, Ella."
"There isn't going to be any chains or leather, is there?"
We did this for well over a month, and there was no spanking except for the sexy kind. In the end there were certain things that we talked about during these discussions that finally made sense to him. The idea of him embracing his maleness and me embracing my femaleness touched a chord. I never stopped asking his permission before I started to talk about TTWD and spanking as part of a relationship. Actions speak louder than words. It wasn't all serious. There was lots of laughter and hugging and kissing, too.
It boggled his mind, but I think he finally came to believe it when I told him that his spanking me would be the most important way he could ever tell me that he loved me. Gifts and flowers and fancy dinners would never mean even a tiny bit as much to me or make me as happy and fulfilled as spanking me when I strayed from who I should be to him and to the rest of the world. This would never be a game or a fad. It was a basic a human NEED for me just like eating and breathing.
If I had given up when he first said "No way, Ella," we would have missed the best years of our marriage. Obviously demanding would have defeated the whole purpose. Better to be the Tortoise, slow and steady, than the Hare. So any advice I leave with you learners out there today, starts with be sure of what you want and be sure he loves you. Then take it slow and steady.
Be ready to not only stand in front of your husband naked for a spanking or for sex but to bare your heart and soul to him. It is a monumental step for any couple to make. I don't believe I have ever been happier in my whole life, and the bonus to a ttwd marriage is that I have never seen my Sam any happier either.
Write Your Own Chapter One