Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Sometimes a Plan Is Just a List of Things That Don't Happen




Usually I struggle with how to end a post, but today I am having trouble with getting started.  When I last wrote, I was sitting on top of the world.  The trip for which Sam and I had planned and diligently saved was finally here, and I was so excited I could hardly sleep.  No one would ever refer to me as a cool, calm, sophisticated woman.  I am really just a big kid, one who is still asking, "Are we there yet?" long past her childhood.


Sam grinned and told me that a really good spanking was coming my way if I begged him just one more time to, "Tell me about the rabbits, George."  Ha!  Like that was going to stop me!  "Bring it on, Mister."  Packed and organized down to the last detail.  House was ready and fridge was stocked for Son #1 to camp out with the dogs.  Walked out of work that Friday afternoon "caught up" and all my responsibilities covered.




The sun glittered on the big, beautiful Virgin Atlantic jet that carried us to the UK.  Lovely attention on this airline's flights, and I was still as happy as a tornado in a trailer park.  Nice limo driver holding a sign with our name on it (this always makes me feel so fancy) and a big black car to whisk us from Heathrow into London.  Oh, wait a minute.  Correction.  We were "whisking" pretty well until we got close to the city.  Then things slowed to a crawl.  No matter.  We were in London!





Next morning the first episodes of a terrible bout of gastric disaster began.  I will spare you the more sordid details but will explain that I am still under doctors' care back here in the states 6 weeks later.  Nothing on this special trip went according to plan.  I have dealt with a lot of disgust and depression and really must admit that I am still struggling healthwise, physically and mentally.  Thanks so much for all the sweet notes and get well wishes.




Am going to try to concentrate on sharing some of the few good times that came to pass despite all the illness and tears.  Well, there is no place more important to begin than to tell you that I was able to meet Ami!  Definitely a high point and one I had looked forward to for close to a year.  Dear Ami is just as beautiful and sweet and wacky as her posts.  A heart so big and generous that one feels instantly at home.  Ami and Dan did indeed make Sam and I feel that way.




Ami wasn't feeling all that keen herself for several days, so it was a case of misery loves company.  We did get to spend part of one day with the guys at the ruins of a beautiful abbey, and Ami introduced me to my new favorite store, White Stuff!  Loved that place!  While our men pondered life over pints of Adnams, we girls did some power shopping, including an absolutely gorgeous scarlet bra and "knickers" from Marks and Spencer.  Ami and Ella never stopped talking and laughing.  She is a very special lady, and our time together is a lovely memory that I get to keep forever.


           "We'll be friends forever won't we,Pooh?" asked Piglet.
                             "Even longer," answered Pooh. 




Sam had business in London and arranged a private tour of Lloyd's for the Starsongs and us.  Alas, this was another activity I missed; this time I sat in Urgent Care for half a day to see my 2nd UK doctor.  Nothing I took seemed to help.  Short list of things I was not able to see or do.  The Shard, Liberty of London, the Tate, the London Eye, and both beloved Shakespeare plays.  Also many pies, pints and pubs. 



However, despite numerous trips to the loo, I did get to meet and thoroughly enjoy, Rosie, Jan, Ronnie, and DF.  Of course, Ami was there, too.  So a perfect 6 again!  And speaking of numbers, we did add up the total number of years married around the table.  Didn't quite hit 215 but we were close.  It was hard to talk about some topics with other people dining nearby, but we managed to share quite a lot.  I think DF has already posted a picture of the gifts we all exchanged.
  

One night not too long ago when I was feeling fairly symptom-free, Sam decided we were doing a Spanking Sampler to try out each and every new implement.  I rated them with various volumes of "Ow."  Each woman around that table was such an individual, but the common bond made it seem like we had known each other for much longer than one afternoon.  A very wonderful time.





I don't think the tears and monumental pity party started in earnest until I had to say goodbye to Ami and Dan.  I sobbed on Sam's shoulder for at least 20 minutes.  When I finally stopped, I formed a plan to just get drunk.  That didn't work either, but I did quit crying for a time.  Next day we left for France on board the Eurostar.  Yes, Ami had warned me about the "pissoirs" in France, but it was hard for this little Yank to believe until we arrived at the Gare du Nord in Paris.  If I had not been sick, I may have laughed when I saw there was a cash register and cashier and a line of 20 men and women at the entrance to the public toilets.  In my condition I just paid my 70 Euro cents and prayed.






The finale to our holiday was to be 4 days with a guide on the D-Day beaches of Normandy.  Sam had helped me to study the history including the monumental preparation and training that led up to 6 June, 1944.  I knew the geography and chronology and the key commanders.  We had read hundreds of pages together, and I was anticipating this every bit as much as Sam.






By the time we were in France, I was taking 10-14 Immodium a day, but there was still no improvement.  The only relief I ever got was by starvation.  So Sam left each morning with our guide, and I stayed behind.  Usually I would go back to bed for a while and have a good cry.  After a shower, I would nervously venture out for short periods.  I would usually shop for a banana and then find a pastry shop for a huge croissant.  Some days I would live dangerously and walk about the beautiful little village in which we stayed.  Lost count of how many times I had to rush back to the hotel in tears.  One day I did manage to take lots of photos and another time I did some souvenir shopping.  I read in the sun on the little terrace outside our hotel sipping 7-up.  One morning I spent 30 minutes on the Internet looking up enough French words in order to write a note to a French pharmacist. 


                             "Immodium nu' pas fonctionne'."




Don't know if this is correct, but the pleasant man got the idea and sold me more stuff that didn't work.  My best French (since I practiced it so often) was "Toilette, la femme?"  Which, by the way, the French are big fans of communal toilets.  So, instead of "la femme," I was usually sharing the toilet with a Frenchman with his wang in his hand.  Umm..... no thanks.


On the 3rd day, Sam and the guide rearranged the destinations so I might have access to a bathroom for a good portion of the afternoon.  They picked me up at noon after a morning at Pointe du Hoc.  I ate NOTHING for almost 24 hours, and it was worth it.  We started at Omaha Beach.  Our guide was a witty and knowledgeable British man who resided permanently in Normandy.  He was simply perfect and brought the story of what happened there alive.  He used a walking stick in the sand on the beach to explain what happened and in what order.  He also corrected some of the misconceptions fostered by movies such as The Longest Day and Saving Private Ryan.  I drank in every word and felt so privileged to finally be standing there.  He had so many first-hand stories from old soldiers he had met and interviewed.  There were huge portfolios of photographs that documented each location and the units that landed.  We drove to a look-out point over the beach where buses could not navigate.  After a short hike we could view the complete breadth of Omaha.




Our guide has spent over 20 years compiling his documentation, and on our way to the next destination, he played us voice recordings from soldiers who were there that day.  It brought home again that every man had his own story.




When we arrived at the American Cemetery, our guide explained that he did not accompany his clients into the cemeteries.  He gave us a rough idea of what we might want to do, but said he would wait and that he did not agree with the guides who talked in these sacred places.  He was right.  This was a holy site and an experience that really did not need words.  As Sam and I walked quietly, the enormity of the life sacrificed on that day so long ago touched you like the hand of God.  I wanted to be by myself and silently separated from Sam to walk among the crosses until I came upon a grave with no name and decided that here was the place I wanted to pray.


                               "Here Rests In Honored Glory
                                        A Comrade in Arms
                                        Known But to God."




There was a small, gray chapel at the center of the cemetery, and it was there I found a quote that said everything I could not say that day.

                          "Think Not Only Upon Their Passing,
                           Remember The Glory of Their Spirit"




I truly regret everything that I was not able to see and experience.  It is one of the biggest disappointments of my life.  Sam felt awful that I could not participate in all this with him.  It was at this point that I "climbed into myself" and pulled away.  The condition persisted, and I became resigned and weak.  The trip home was a nightmare, and by the time we finally landed, they had to bring a wheelchair to the gate.  Weeks later I am still seeing doctors, having gobs of tests and trying not to succumb to falling into a sinkhole of self pity.




Sincerely, I thank my family and friends for their persistence and kindness.  Sam has been at my side, concerned and loving which, of course, was greatly appreciated.  But there really was very little progress in my state of mind until he finally decided that perhaps I was not too breakable to spank.  This is very hard for him to understand.  I still crave his leadership when I am dispirited, maybe more than when I am sassy or bossy.  I need to feel he is my rock, and for me, that means I need to feel his hand on my bottom.  Don't think I could explain this need except to all of you.  Others would never understand.  But I believe that many of you could relate a similar experience or could at least remember a time when you dearly wished there had been a spanking to pull you back.  It is my safety net.  Just like the routine of daily life can give comfort and strength, it has been when Sam reconnects with me through spanking that a sense of normalcy returns to us both.


                             A reason to smile and look ahead.  



 

 

32 comments:

  1. Oh, Ella,
    I have been so waiting for this post. Welcome back and you are loved. Your post was most heartfelt. I am glad that you took the time necessary to come back and you do sound strong. Good health will be yours once again. The best part is that I felt Sam's unfailing love for you throughout your ordeal. Ami and all were there for you too and we, on this side of the pond, are cheering that you have returned. You are loved.
    As you know, we have made your journey too. We felt the same feelings of thankfulness walking through the American Cemetery. You wrote with real eloquence.
    Welcome home to us, Ella.
    Meredith

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    1. Goodness, Meredith. I don't know quite what to say. Tears come easily these days, and I thank you for your lovely note. Don't know when I have felt so appreciated. So glad you could feel Sam's presence in this post, too. He has me looking ahead again.

      Your compliment of eloquence made me swell with pride. That cemetery visit was like being in a massive quiet green church.

      I do feel like I have come home, and I thank you all.

      One Big Hug From Ella

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  2. Welcome back girl. Have been missing you as I'm sure the rest of your readers have been also.
    So glad the trip wasn't a complete failure even if you didn't get to do everything planned. Happy that you are feeling better and pray it continues.
    I always figured Ami was a hoot and it doesn't sound as if I was wrong. A little envious of your meeting Ronnie and the others but c'est la vie.
    Glad you're back and look forward to hearing from you again soon.
    Hugs

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    1. Hello to you, Sunny. You do always bring sunshine, and I can really use that lately. I certainly do feel welcomed back. Thank you.

      Ami was indeed a hoot. We spent many happy hours in her kitchen together. I am not even worthy of being her sous chef. The woman is an amazing cook. Decided not to share any of my Campbell soup recipes. Ha! She has a wit and intelligence that is simply contagious.

      Love to my Sunny,
      Ella

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  3. Oh Ella I am so sorry that your trip was such a disappointment, I hope with all my heart that you get properly better soon
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Hello, Sweet Jan! I love that I have seen your smile and heard your laugh! Wanted so badly to feel better that day, but getting to meet you and the others was very special to me.

      Readers, I have to tell you that Jan did remind me of a white rose with just the perfect pink blush. So beautiful!

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  4. I am so glad you finally managed to write this post and that you will continually improve. At the end of the day, health is all that matters. We will meet up again, of that I am very sure.

    What a wonderful post you wrote. You were far too complimentary. I treasure those quiet days we had when we were able to chatter like magpies. The picture resides on my bedroom shelf, and I took the beautiful native necklace on holiday with me.

    There is nothing like a spanking to calm the mind, body and spirit! We all need it from time to time. Which implement did Sam favour? I so enjoyed meeting your lovely, cuddly bear of a husband!

    As for those horrible pissoirs - I have left them with wet feet more times than I care to mention! As for the 70 cents - zut allors!

    Many hugs
    Ami

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    1. Oh, Ami, thanks for such a loving note. I do treasure those quiet days, too. Will never quite understand how lucky I was to have found such wonderful friends. I also have little items about the house that make me think of you so often.

      Referring to Sam as a cuddly bear made us both laugh so hard. I think he is sweet on you as well. As for Dan, I loved that man's sense of humor. I still think mischievous brother describes him best.

      Ha, again! I just looked up zut alors. I said much worse things to myself during my tour of French toilette facilities!

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  5. Oh Ella, how heartbreaking. I'm glad that you do at least have some fond memories from your trip, even if they too are tainted by your ill health. I hope and pray that you're feeling better very soon! (((hugs)))

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    1. Hello there, Lilli! How wonderful to see a note from you. You are all making me feel so welcome and appreciated. Still working on the health part, but I can feel all the well wishes and prayers.

      Did you know that lilies represent friendship and devotion. The name suits you well.

      Hugs From Ella

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    2. What a sweet thing to say Ella! No, I didn't know that. Lilies are my favorite flowers though. I hope each day just gets better and better for you! :)

      In case you aren't aware, my new blog is: http://these3fhl.blogspot.com/
      And yes, I really do need to stop changing things. lol

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  6. I'm so happy your trip held a few very high points and hate that there were so many lows. You were prayed for during your whole trip and that's still true. I love seeing you posting. I know others would have a very hard time understanding how spankings effect us for the better. But we all know - even if we can't explain. Love you girl, keep us up on how you're doing now.

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    1. PK, you are such a gifted writer. Your words lift me up and carry me back to my place as a fellow blogger. Yes, the spankings work, and I still wonder what is the connection between my head and my bottom.

      Love you, too,
      Ella Ever After

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  7. Happy to see your post pop up, Ella. The others above have said everything I was thinking as I read your post. Happy that you were able to meet and visit with everyone. So very happy you got to experience Omaha Beach. Sending lots of prayers and healing energy that the doctors not only discover the source of your health issue but have an easy fix. Take care of yourself!

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat! I have missed the interchange with you all, but so appreciated your continued prayers and notes. How amazing to feel so supported so far from home.

      You always sign your comments with "Hugs and blessings," and I always feel blessed to receive your wise words.

      Hugs From Ella

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  8. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been well, I really hope things start improving for you and you feel better and stronger as the days pass.
    Despite the difficulties on your trip it sounds like there were a lot of good things that happened while you were away. Meeting some wonderful women certainly tops the list, walking Omaha Beach, France by short, quick outings. As hard as it is try to focus on what you did get to do instead of what you missed. Being positive helps us heal faster.
    It's good to see you posting again. Take good care of yourself.

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    1. There were lots of good things. Our luncheon was very special, and I felt privileged that all those ladies wanted to meet me as much as I wanted to meet them. Gosh, we never shut up! How fun.

      So Glad You Came to Visit,
      Ella

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  9. Oh Ella,

    So good to see you pop up on my blog roll. You have been missed.

    It made be happy to read you are feeling better and I hope that you continue to improve.

    I think Laura is right - focus on the lovely times you had and not the ones you missed. Meeting you was a very special.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Ronnie,
      It is very kind for you to say I have been missed. I think I have missed you all, too. Hope your birthday trip was a good one. Lately, I am living vicariously through the travels of others.

      So funny it was to open gifts together. I must confess that I cannot remember who gave what that afternoon, but Sam seemed to enjoy the selection.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella Smiling

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  10. Oh Ella, I too am glad to see you back here. I am so very sorry your dream vacation was marred by illness like this. So unfortunate and so unfair! So happy for the highlights and that you were able to meet the others.

    I'm glad you are feeling a bit better and hope the doctor's get to the bottom of it and that you are fully recovered soon.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Me too, Roz. Yes, you are right!! It was not fair, and there were so many tears as I felt sorry for myself. Glad you enjoyed the highlights. I did get to meet many wonderful women. Thank the lord for that. So glad you are here to visit today.

      Hugs From Ella

      Black

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  11. Funny I just sent you an email Ella then your post pops up. So happy to finally read all about your trip. Sorry you had to miss out on so much. Hopefully you will be back to 100% quickly and able to enjoy life again. Take care.

    Hugs Lindy

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    1. Thanks for all your advice, Lindy. You are the voice of experience here. I have had all the tests to isolate what the culprit is here, but everything has come back negative. Am trying the FODMAP Diet now to see if there are any answers.

      Sending Hugs Downunder,
      Ella

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    2. Excellent, I'm on the fodmap diet and have had to cut so much out. It is well worth the trial and error of testing all the food groups. Best of luck Ella.
      xx

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  12. So good to see you here and posting. I wish it could have been a better trip for you, but do remember the good times and keep them alive.
    It was a real delight to meet you and share those few hours. They'll remain precious to me.

    hugs
    Del

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    1. Loved your sweet note, DF. I, too, am very glad I got to meet everyone. Now, when I think of one of you, I can hear your voice and laughter. I can see your smile, too.

      It does feel good to be back writing. Thanks again for the book, my friend!

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  13. Oh this broke my heart! What good times you DID have, but I would grieve the missed ones as well. I hope you're feeling much better and another opportunity comes along for travel.

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    1. I think you hit the nail on the head. It was like grieving when I returned home. There is a saying that you only regret the things you never did. Boy, that really rings true. Slowly I am coming back to life. Thanks for all the happy wishes.

      Ella

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  14. Oh, what a shame that you had to deal with a European vacation not feeling as well as you would like. I pray you'll feel like yourself again very soon. Europe will still be there and hopefully, you can just make plans to go back.

    I have been to Normandy and the American cemetery there and found graves for the unknown soldiers heartbreaking. I am so glad you felt well enough to go on that part of your trip. It is a very moving place!

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Cygnet. I do love your blog name. Just lovely.

      You are so right about it being a moving place. Have even thought of trying to write a special prayer just for the experience of a visit there.

      Thanks so much for your comment, Cygnet.

      Ella

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  15. Ella! I am still catching up after five days without Internet access and here you are. It's so good to see you posting again, though I'm sorry to hear you're still not out of the woods yet. I hope the medics will get you well again soon.

    That afternoon in the pub was one I'll never forget. Meeting you all was like being with old friends, not a bit of awkwardness between us. Thank you so much for arranging it.

    I'm glad Sam is showing his love in the way you like best. It's amazing what hand to bottom action does to our headspace.

    Love from across the Pond,
    Rosie xx



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  16. beautifully written post. I am sorry that your trip was not as you imagined it to be but I am glad you are still able to treasure some of the special memories you got to take home with you and hopefully someday you will get to return. Much love to you and so glad you are now on the mend... Hugs

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