Rebuttal to Jack's "Man Rules"

 

Back in February, Meredith's Jack had us laughing with another one of his contributions to Cat's Giggles, Grins, and Reflections.  He dared Cat to post, and our dear girl accepted the challenge.  There is no dare involved here, but I have picked up the torch with a rebuttal to the "man rules." 

Just as the man rules were speaking to women as a generic group, my rebuttal addresses men as a generic group.  Although Sam is mentioned, this is not directed at him in particular.  I am just clarifying my intention so that my loving man does not think that any rebuttal should be addressed to my personal   reBUTTal   once this is posted.  "I am as innocent as grace itself. "

 

                                                 The Man Rules

Meredith's Jack sent the following with the note “Cat...I dare you to post this...”

Dare accepted.

 

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

 

We always hear

"the rules"

From the female side. 

 

 

Now here are the rules from the male side.

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

Heartily agree.  You all suck at this skill.

But we love you guys anyway!

                       

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



I respectfully disagree with this man rule.  If it was only the matter of putting the seat up or down, I might see the justice, but none of the guys in my life have ever mastered not leaving pee on the rim.  Neither have any of them ever volunteered to pick this up as one of their household tasks.

 

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.



So is shopping.


 1. Crying is blackmail. 

 My response to this is that you guys don’t have periods, you don’t get pregnant or deliver babies or go through menopause.  Deal with the tears, or as Cat says, “Suck it up, Buttercup.”

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

                           OK – no more subtle hints.  
                    “Put the goddam toilet seat down!”

                    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers 
                                  to almost every question. 

“Yes” I see your point.  “No” it won’t work every time.  Maybe too simplistic.  Sometimes it just sounds rude.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. 
That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

I actually like the “man rule” perfectly well on this topic.  When Sam asks me about my day, I feel that is an invitation to unload a bit.  He usually has good advice or can simply kiss me until I don’t care about work anymore.  If I want to discuss the state of the toilet seat, I will call a girlfriend.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

 TTWD wives do not usually argue.  It’s just not a good idea.  Besides, ttwd seems to help husbands as well as wives.  I think Sam’s comments are more positive now and less likely to rub me the wrong way.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us. 

There might be women somewhere who are not critical of their own body, but I have never met one.  If your woman asks you this, you need to tell her she is “beautiful” each and every day. 

      When our sons got married,

      this was their mom’s only piece of advice.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Ha!  Good one!  If something we say makes your eyebrows furrow and you are not sure whether to be pissed off or to laugh, we meant it to be funny.  Take off your HOH hat and chill.

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  

I see the point to this one, too, and know it is true many times.  Let’s return to a tried and true example for my response. 
 

Here we go – a polite choice.

  Please put the toilet seat down.

OR   After you pee, grasp the seat firmly with your hand

and lower it gently.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Sam never seems to mind if I bother him during his viewing as long as I sit in his lap and grab his crotch.  My man is patient that way.

 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

Absolutely no snappy, clever answers here.  This little ttwd wife knows to zip the mouth on this one.  One of the immoveable rules on the stone tablets.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

I agree.  Just remember you are color-challenged 

when you ask, 

“Why do you need another green jacket?” 

and we say, “It’s not green; it is olive.”

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

I would be happy to help with any itches that plague Sam.  Don’t mind that wifely duty at all.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

Combine this one with tears and you really should be able to figure out that “nothing” is “something.” Hugs are a good way to start here.

              1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, 

                     Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

    Woman Question:  Can you hold my purse?

    Man Answer:  No, I hate holding your purse.

                       1. When we have to go somewhere, 

                 absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really. 

 

 But I am not sure if the olive jacket goes with the khaki pants and the red flats.  

                                 
                                    What do you think?

1. You have enough clothes. 

                        You can’t have too many clothes.

                                  Just too small closets.


                                1. You have too many shoes.

  

  You can’t buy HAPPINESS but you can buy SHOES and that’s kinda the same thing.

 

                         1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

                       My husband may not be perfect, 

                               but he is perfect for me.

                 And no sleeping on the couch EVER.