Saturday, October 28, 2017

this thing "WE" do





Once in a while along comes a really thoughtful post out in blogland.  For me it can be a springboard for a deep discussion with blog friends or even with Sam.  Last month Meredith wrote such a post.  

                                      Her Question was, 
              "Who carries the responsibility in a ttwd marriage?"


Back years ago now, when I convinced Sam that ttwd was something I had always wanted, we both had a lot to learn.  For a very long time, I would find a post or article that spoke to me and read it aloud to Sam.  It gave us a place to begin to shape our own version of ttwd. 




  • What were our roles?  
  •  How do we identify the components that will carry us to where we want to be?
  •  Do we have to be perfect for it to be succussful?

I don't read Sam very many posts anymore.  He has a lot more confidence in himself now.  He knows how he wants things between us and takes care of business when there are troubled  waters.





But Mere's post really got me thinking, especially when she invited her readers to ask the same question of their husbands.  When Sam and I sat relaxing together after he got home that night, I read her post aloud to him.  It came at a good time for us.  Due to my health problems recently, ttwd could easily have been something that got pushed to the side, to be picked up whenever we both felt things were "back to normal."  Instead, it was the pillar and strength that held us up as we struggled with the disappointments of another ruined vacation and the reality of searching for a diagnosis with a new doctor and a myriad of tests.





Instead of dumping ttwd for the duration, Sam stepped up to be sure that I stayed focused on the positive and the belief that this would be resolved.  No crying, no silence, no distancing, and no depression.  He was kind and sweet and thoughtful, but he meant what he said.  There were several very serious spankings over the bed, I can tell you.  They were not fun events, although the hugs and kisses afterwards were wonderful.  As we look forward now with a firm diagnosis from a wonderful doctor and the prescribed medications, things are looking much rosier for us both.




Our discussion that evening went on for close to 2 hours.  Sam's response was different than Jack's, but just as quick.  It took him about two seconds for him to launch into an answer.  

                             "It's right in the title, for god's sake," he said.  
                             "It is called This Thing We Do."  

He talked about it being a joint proposition and a shared responsibility - like raising our kids.  If it is not shared, then any blame for it not working would be on just one partner's shoulders.




He said, "We both screw up and we both adjust.  It is my job to figure out what is needed, and sometimes that takes me a bit of time.  I am much better now at recognizing when you are in a funk, Ella.  Like sunny days and cloudy days, there are instances where I know giving you a longer leash, so to speak, is the right thing to do."




Sam went on, "I ask myself is this a hurricane or just a few clouds?  If I know that it is a superficial blip that will be gone in the morning, I do not need to spank you.  I need to hug you or make you laugh."

He said to me, "Ella, one thing about you is that everything is either black or white.  There is never any gray area for you.  Ha!  Grey! Just like that book you like.  Except, for you, it is 50 Shades of Funk!"   

That one really made me laugh, but Sam was far from done.




He continued, "I think I am slow to anger, but there is always an element of anger when I take a correctional course."   

Believe me, I nodded my agreement here.  

"It is your job to listen and obey and to watch your temper.  We are so lucky.  If I was a religious man, I might say we should count our blessings.  Nothing pisses me off more than when you look at the dark side of things.  I watch so I can prevent small bumps in the road from becoming potholes."  

He reminded me that most of our "weekend adjustments" need to address bossiness.  If I lose track of my responsibility to let him be the boss, then it becomes his business.


 


Sam was almost ready to wrap up this discussion, and there was a lot of humor here at the end.  He told me that he is not telepathic.  He laughed as he referred to Spock on Star Trek.  

"Not able to mind meld, El.  You have to talk to me."

"I will never understand why self-image is so important to women.  I know you need help with that, and I am just the guy to do it."  He laughed again, "Ha!  I don't know about other men, but as long as the old torpedo of love can get a hard-on, I am just fine."

Long before ttwd, I always appreciated our sex life, but there is simply no comparison to the intensity of the passion and the joy it brings us now.

      Sam totally agreed with Jack about never giving up ttwd.  
                                         It is here to stay.  


                                      For better and worse,
  
                                       For richer or poorer,

                                    In sickness and in health,

                                     Until death do us part,

                                        This Thing We Do.






    


29 comments:

  1. Beautiful, Ella and Sam too! I thought that the post that Meredith wrote that time, was so thought provoking and interesting. The comments were super. She asked a great question. Everyone had their own answers, and reasons behind them. Thinking about the variety of all of it was a great exercise.

    I love this post, and as you stated on my recent post, we are incredibly lucky to live our dynamics. I understand completely about ttwd being a pillar- as it has for you and Sam surrounding your illness, and through diagnosis and well... life's challenges. To have it in place, with both partners staying true to their roles (less roles really, but how we (collectively) now live), makes getting through life's challenges a lot less stressful. We do it together. We help each other. That is special love! It is pretty incredible how it all works. We both have to do our parts to keep it going. I can't imagine life without it all.

    I'm so glad that you and Sam got that kind of benefit, from ttwd as you went through all of that hard stuff, Ella! I know how tough that it was for you. Proud of you! And so very glad that you are feeling better! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Katie. It was a great question, and I revisited Mere's blog several times because the comments were as interesting as the post that inspired them.

      You are right. The word "roles" is used differently here than that of acting out a part. We have evolved and become something new and original. A partnership that teaches us a new meaning of love.

      Thanks for all your support through this health ordeal. Your encouragement and advice have been a pillar of friendship.

      Love,
      Ella

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  2. Hi Ella, This is a great post. We too thing of it as this thing WE do. No one person should take the responsibility for such a momentous thing in our lives, it will always be a partnership just like marriage should be .
    love Jan, xx

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    1. It is truly a momentous thing, Jan. Sometimes I think about where we would be now, if I had never had the courage to talk to Sam. It brings us so much happiness that it has transformed our marriage into way more than a partnership.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  3. Ella,
    I love this post. You tell us about the evolution of your ttwd in your unique way. Thank you for answering the question so well.

    I am thinking of answering my own question again. We have had more discussion......... both the kind with eyes meeting and the kind with bottom bare. I do have some thinking on this idea. I will now work on it.

    You write so well and give your posts such thoughtfulness and sincerity. I love reading here. You always add a little humor, but your message is honest and serious. This Thing We Do changes marriages for the better and it no laughing matter.
    Thank you, dear friend,
    Meredith

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    1. Well, this is high praise from the woman who posed the question in the first place. What surprised me the most was how eager Sam was to expound on it. I decided to take notes as we talked and was able to pass on so many more of his responses accurately.

      I would love to hear more discussion from Meredith and Jack's house. A sequel, so to speak. That is so true. The dynamic created by ttwd is never stagnant.

      Ella Smiling

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  4. Beautifully written and well explained. It's an honor to read here and learn from a humble heart.
    --Baker

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    1. So glad my post "spoke" to you. Those are my favorite posts to read, and it is very fulfilling when someone tells me that I have given that back to them.

      Loved the "humble heart" Baker!
      Ella

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  5. Loved hearing both of you discussing this Ella, it was so well explained. Made me laugh 50 shade of grey. LOL! We also think of it as a partnership. We both put in to make it work.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. The last few months have been brimming with 50 shades of funk for sure. I used to be so afraid of falling back into a black mood. Sam has his own prescription for that malady. And it works!

      Sending Hugs Downunder,
      Ella

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  6. So beautifully explained, Ella. TTWD really helps hold everything together doesn't it...good times and bad.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thanks so much, Cat. I always feel those blessings from you in every word you write.

      Counting the Blessings that Come from Good Friends,
      Ella

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  7. Hi Ella,I love this post and I agree with the others, beautifully stated :) I just love Sam' response and agree, it's a joint responsibility.

    I love that Sam hasn't let you get down through the vacation disappointments and health issues. So glad you hear you now have a diagnosis and way forward.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Sam has been amazing through these last few months. I surely hope that we can travel again soon. The man deserves a holiday!

      Hugs From Ella

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  8. Your post is excellent Ella. It’s always so interesting to hear the opinion of an HOH.
    I love that ttwd helped you both through such a rough time, that certainly is part of the beauty of this thing we do. It’s effective during the good and the not so good times.
    I’m happy to hear that your health is coming back and you’re feeling much better. Continue taking care of each other.

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    1. I always enjoy your comments, Laurel, both here and on other blogs You often seem to find the kernel of truth or wisdom that a writer is trying to convey.

      You are so right. I really find it fascinating to hear from the husbands on topics like this. Sometimes it makes us see ourselves with more honesty.

      Hugs From Ella

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  9. Excellent post and Sam is pretty insightful even though he is not Spock.

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    1. Hello Sunny Girl! I was never a Star Trek fan, but the "Mind Meld" comment was one that made me laugh. How often do we expect our men to be telepathic? Maybe that is the draw that makes us enjoy your stories and books, my friend. The fictional heroes seem to posses that ability. Must remember that it is called "fiction" for a reason.

      Love and Hugs,
      Ella

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  10. Oh my goodness, this made me teary. I wish wish wish my hubby could talk to some of the other men. I am not good at expressing why this is important to me or to our marriage, though he sees that even with the little bit we are doing our marriage is a zillion times better! I always remember that Meredith and Katie have said it's all about communication and that was an area where we were sorely lacking. Unfortunately, I am unable to communicate why this works, other than to say "I don't know why, but it does." He's more of a "I really need to understand this" kind of guy, especially since he is not a "natural" HOH in words or actions. So thank you so much for sharing this conversation - and I will try to get him to read this. To all who blog - truly - thank you.

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  11. So glad you came to visit today, Deena. I do understand how it feels in the beginning. Every little step has such a huge impact. I never knew why I am the way I am. It is like having certain color eyes or wavy hair. Sam says he doesn't care anymore. He is just glad I finally told him.

    Keep reading and keep talking. Make time for it every day, and get over the fear that it might sound silly. Set that aside and be happy that he knows who you really are. It may sound like a cliche, but look at how far you have come, not how far you have to go. The journey is one of the best parts of this thing we do.

    Many Hugs From Ella

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  12. What a beautiful, thoughtful, and inspiring post. It mad me teary too. I am so grateful that there are friends like you where the ttwd dynamic is so successful. I love the way Sam puts into words how your relationship works and who's responsibility it is. I know that communication has grown in our relationship since we started ttwd. But it is posts like yours, that I share with Ty, that really add the extra oomph to continuing with something successful but not "normal". Thank you.

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Blondie. It feels wonderful that I might inspire someone else just the way others' writing helped us along the way.

      In the beginning I think I had a misconception that we would someday be perfect at this. Now I know better. I learn from old friends and new friends and, of course, Sam. TTWD is always changing and growing in new directions.

      You Really Made My Day,
      Ella

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  13. Hi Ella,

    Glad to hear you have a diagnosis finally. That's great news.

    This post really speaks to me because Eric (51%) and I (49%) are very much believers in this being a WE thing. I had to learn to ask for what I want and talk to him about how I really feel. There is always the fear of being rejected or ridiculed but that truly came from other relationships, not this one. We have fun with ttwd; but it also serves as a steady course for us to thrive under.

    Hugs to you!
    Amy

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    1. Good for you, Amy. I love how you used the word "thrive" to describe where you are now. That is so true! Perhaps that is the key, in fact. Before ttwd I would have never used that word to talk about our relationship. It was more like "got along well." This could be another post!

      Thanks so Much for this Comment,
      Ella

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  14. Meredith’s post certainly evoked a large and varied response and you have built on that base in a remarkable post. Harry and I are among those who believe in the shared responsibility for the relationship. We don’t really care how it works, we’re just happy that it does.
    So glad you’re getting better, dear friend.
    Rosie xx

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    1. Thank you, sweet Rosie. It feels wonderful to feel so well and healthy. See the doc again tomorrow, and she is the greatest.

      Now that will really be a post to remember. If one of us ever figures out how it really works!

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  15. Ella, what a great post, thank you. We both believe in shared responsibility in our relationship, a partnership as it should be.very

    Makes me very happy to hear you are getting better.

    Love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  16. Ronnie,
    Glad you liked the post, Ronnie. Yes, a partnership describes it well. I always love to hear how P is taking care of you. You are one of the lucky ones, too.

    Hugs Across the Pond,
    Ella

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  17. I'm just trying to catch up around here, and I haven't read Meredith's post yet, but you can be sure I will. I totally agree that a relationship (ttwd included) is a shared responsibility. It's not a 50-50 thing either, but 100-100. I'm quite sure Nash would agree, as we've talked about such things before.
    I'm glad to hear that you have a diagnosis and are on the mend. Health issues certainly have a way of taking over, so it's nice to hear that you've been able to keep ttwd alive and well throughout. I'm sure that has helped.

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