So much has changed for me in the last several years, and this month is 3 years since I published my first post. Three candles on my Blog Cake! But it was the summer of 2014, almost a year before, when I told Sam who I really was on an August morning. It was scary, but I had made the decision to "play the game." To take a chance when the cards were dealt. To hope for the best.
When we come to an anniversary, it seems natural to look back at how far we've come and then to look forward to what we hope will happen in the future.
An anniversary is really any date that we celebrate annually. If it is the first day of a new year, we might want to make a resolution. Something we want to accomplish or a bad habit we want to eliminate. If it is a birthday, ours or that of a loved one, we blow out candles and eat cake and sing. As we get older, we wonder where the hell the years have gone and thank our lucky stars for the gift of health. We pick up the cards in front of us and make the choice of what to keep and what to throw away.
When I thought about Ella turning 3 years old, I felt humbled by all the wonderful life experiences that have come my way since I took that first big gamble. That "First Hello." I have to think there was some fate involved; otherwise, how could plain, old me have ever been so lucky. I am not a person who hits the jackpot when I visit Vegas, but somehow ttwd dealt me a Royal Flush. For those of you who don't know your poker hands, that's a ten, Jack, Queen, King, and Ace, all of the same suit. Make it hearts, I think, for all the love and happiness that has come my way.
The Ace of Hearts gave me the gift of spanking. For those of us that have ached for that to be in our lives since we were old enough to have memories, it is a precious gift. It took a basic love story between a man and a woman and set it on a higher plane. Something so special between us that I would never have dreamed it could happen to me.
The King of Hearts is Sam, of course. He is my king and the love of my life. He listened and learned and he did it even though he couldn't understand why it was so important to me. Sometimes just thinking of the affection and the selflessness that takes just leaves me in awe. It brings me such joy to see how Sam has embraced his new role and how much personal satisfaction it brings him. That was a wild card I never expected.
If Sam is my king, then I am his queen. He treats me that way now, and he makes me feel cherished. I will never know why I have this need to be spanked, but I can tell you that, for me, it has so much to do with feeling loved. When he puts me over his knee or over the bed and makes it known that he is in charge, I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I am his, that I am safe, that I am fulfilled. The rest of the world falls away.
"If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right."
And Sam surely did.
If you are playing straight Draw Poker, you really shouldn't have but 5 cards in your hand, but my blog has really stacked the deck when it comes to friends. The Jack of Hearts is a generous and funny soul and has dealt me some of the loveliest friendships of my entire life. Before that first post, I was just so happy to know there were other women out there like me. Never dreamed I would hold all those cards so close to my heart. All of you who read or comment here add up to the biggest center pot I have ever won. You make me feel like a very rich woman.
There's just one more card I need to mention. The ten of Hearts.
"It's knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep."
For me, the final card has to be the joy I have found in writing. It had been so many years since I had written for pleasure, that I think I forgot how good it makes me feel. Good for my head and my heart and my soul. It's a way to communicate concretely with people. It leaves a record of the love and the sorrow, the good days and bad. Sometimes you're a winner; sometimes you're a loser.
But it's how you play the game that counts.