"Who am I then? Tell me that first..."
Have any of you ever been inspired to write a post after reading one from another blogger? It happens to me quite often. Sometimes just mulling over the words of someone else, brings a thought or a fresh viewpoint on a ttwd topic to me. Like we were all sitting together having coffee, and one of us says something, and then there are 3 other people who jump in with a story or thought. Maybe 3 more jump in, and suddenly there is a lively discussion. We not only benefit from the interaction, but we take away a bit of something that is meaningful to our ttwd experience.
I am very thankful that you are all out there giving me new things to think about every day. Your posts, comments, and stories too, make me reflect, and that is where this post was born.
"Which way you ought to go
depends on where you want to get to.."
"Reflect" is the key word above. I started to think about where Sam and I began on this adventure. How we had arrived at where we are today with ttwd. Thinking back. It was like I was seeing myself in a looking glass. Talking to myself.
- "You are not getting any younger, Ella."
- "What if I tell Sam and he doesn't love me anymore?"
- "What if he laughs? I couldn't bear that."
- "Why am I different from everyone else I know?"
- "Maybe there is something wrong with me."
- "Where do I want to be a year from now?"
- "Am I brave enough to tell Sam who I really am?"
I kept staring in the mirror and it felt like I was standing on a precipice and something important was about to happen. I could see a new and happier Ella in the glass, and I wanted to be her so much that my heart ached. If only I had the courage to go there.
Then I stepped through the glass and, sitting on the floor in front of him, I told Sam who I really was. Poor man hardly knew what to say. He just looked at me as if he really didn't know me.
"Who ARE You?"
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly,
"I...I hardly know, sir, just at present..."
I gave Sam several things to read. First, there was a list he himself had written back when we were young and first married. It was about sexual fantasies he had. We had exchanged these lists as part of an exercise on how to know each other better. I had saved this piece of paper over decades of our marriage. The look on his face was total confusion, but he was smiling, too. He tried to ask me questions, but he really didn't understand where the discussion was headed.
"The time has come
The walrus said
To talk of many things..."
"Sam, I want to be spanked."
He began to ask questions and I tried to answer.
"This is something I have always wanted - something that has been with me every day of my life. It is not just a fantasy that I want to play in the bedroom. This is who I am, mister. I hope you can love me."
"I am so Very tired of being all alone here."
And that was when Sam fell down the rabbit hole. We talked and touched and Sam learned to spank. We fell in love all over again, and between us there grew a closeness we had never known before. It really was a wonderland.
"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round."
There were weeks and months when I pinched myself. If this was all a dream, I surely did not want to wake up. It was just Sam and I in our own little world.....until I started to think about other women like me. For my whole life, I had believed that I was the only person who needed spanking in my life. Now I knew there were others. Was it possible to know them? To write them?
"For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things
had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think
that very few things indeed were really impossible."
"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
With a grin, the Cheshire cat helped me find my way, and I met so many lovely people. It was really rather like a Mad Tea Party. I was so deliciously happy and felt that I had found a place where I fit in and was accepted. The "real" me was accepted. Who would have ever thought life could have changed so much in so short a time?
"Curiouser and curiouser."
If I turn around now and gaze back into the world on the other side of the looking glass, I look so small. Ella didn't even need a potion for her metamorphosis. She grew into who she really wanted to be, and it started with just one step.
"Have I gone mad? I'm afraid so.
You've gone entirely Bonkers.
But I will tell you a secret,
All the best people are."