Back in June, Amy, over at her blog Eric51Amy49, wrote a serious post on the subject of Submission and Obedience. If you would like to read it, you can find it HERE. It was a very thought-provoking topic, and Amy's response made me think about where I am currently with both submission and obedience. I don't feel confident with telling you that I am where I want to be. So maybe it's time for me to write about it too. To take on a little self-examination. Perhaps a bit overdue.
Here is the statement that started me thinking.
What does it mean to submit?
Submission is a matter of attitude, a matter of spirit.
What does it mean to obey?
Obedience is a matter of conscience, a matter of outward behavior.
Submission is inward, whereas obedience is outward.
Well, here are some of my understandings. Submission is something that you choose to give. With a ttwd or DD relationship, it is the crux of the whole "consensual" question between the couple in a long-term relationship. A wife agrees that her husband will be the leader and she will follow. He has the option of using a spanking or other deterrent when he feels she has acted in some way that has a negative impact on the couple's well being.
There is no force exerted by either party. The woman freely submits, both to his leadership and any spanking, if it happens. There is a high level of trust between the husband and wife. An important thing to understand is that both people are committed to each other and to making each other happy and fulfilled.
I become "His" both by the way I submit and the way I obey. I think I am at my most submissive when I remain silent. And for me, it takes constant monitoring to stay in this mindset. As soon as my mind moves on to going out to dinner or cleaning out drawers or my volunteering responsibilities, I can lose that good place in my head and in my heart that makes submission feel so natural. That's why I confessed that I am not where I want to be. I yearn for that to be as easy as smiling or nodding my head. Oh, I wish.
In fact, submission can be both easy and difficult. If I am concentrating, I can easily listen when Sam speaks and give him my full attention. Active listening. I am engaged, but I know in my head that my opinion isn't needed for this interaction. In fact any words coming out of my mouth would be extraneous in that moment. What is needed is my silence. That is my gift to him. I don't need to have a sign on my forehead that says, "I am submissive." He will know and appreciate it without it being consciously acknowledged.
When I fail, it is as obvious and ugly as a wart on my nose. Sam makes a statement and, instead of submission, I deliver, "No, you are forgetting. That happened after we got off the plane." There is...no listening to the heart of the matter. There is only...just let me correct you, mister. Submission crawls away to hide its head. In fact I believe that almost always, when I do this, my response is absolutely without meaning. It does not serve any purpose other than to make me feel smarter than Sam in a useless and harmful way.
I still try to reinforce the submissive behavior in myself by a specific physical movement that is meaningful only to me. If I did something that was understood by Sam, it would defeat the purpose. Perhaps it is a silly thing, but it helps me remain in a submissive state of mind more often.
Obedience is sometimes easier because I am given a prompt that brings me back from wherever my mind is wandering (perhaps about shoes.) It also requires some type of response from me. Either in a verbal agreement to take this direction or even just a nod or a kiss. He knows I heard him and plan to carry out something as he wishes.
"Ella, don't forget to use the Lowes charge card when you go to buy your flowers," Sam says.
I hear it as a direction or even a command. It is much easier to remember to simply say, "Thanks, I will," or even "Yessir." It is NOT pure obedience when I come back with the word, "Why?" Then I am questioning his leadership and forcing him to defend himself. Even when this is done with no rancor, I am still doubting his authority to ask me to obey.
In the best of times, there is both submission and obedience in our ttwd marriage. At the worst of times there is neither, although that happens much less often than it used to.
As I was thinking through my feelings on the subjects in this post, something else became apparent to me. We all are well aware of the fact that there are very few posts going up in blogland these days. Me included. People have moved on to other interests or just giving in to the feeling that they have said all they have to say. I totally understand because I can identify with both those reasons.
The thing is that I think the very act of writing a post like this one or reading someone else's post about a facet of ttwd keeps me sharp. Many times a phone conversation or a visit with one or many blogger friends does the same thing. By "sharp" I mean it keeps me in the zone I want to be in. I am renewed. I am conscious of living this lifestyle. It makes me watch and listen to Sam with patience and love. Without the reading, the writing, or the discussion, I lose my edge, and ttwd becomes just a little bit mundane.
And that is something I never want to happen.
