Wednesday, January 6, 2016

A Lie of Omission is Still a Lie

 

Right up front I want to tell you that I have been thinking about writing this post for quite a while.  Part of the reason it took so long could be blamed on the rush to finish up all the last minute holiday tasks - the cooking, baking, cleaning, decorating, yet another trip to the grocery store, wrapping, visiting neighbors, and an outing to see the light displays with family and friends.  Yeah, sure.  I was busy.  But the real truth of the matter as to why I was reluctant to put this in writing, is that I really messed up.  Not in just a little way.  In a big way.  It was hard to admit this to Sam, and it is hard to admit this to all of you.


For the last 2 years, Sam has helped me to reach a healthy weight and maintain it.  For those who may just be visiting my blog for the first time, let me reiterate that his attention to this as HOH was at my request only.  He could care less what I weigh.  It is me who cares.  I was a person who binged on certain foods, especially sweets.  Just pass me the M & Ms and no one will get hurt.
For years I struggled to lose weight and keep it off.  I would have a bit of success and then pile it all back on.  Spent a ton of money at Weight Watchers but never achieved the practical goals I set.  Spent a ton of time on self-loathing.  So Sam is my coach, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I have managed to stay at my goal weight for 2 years now.  That has never happened before in my whole adult life.    

It is definitely easier for me now.  I make most of the decisions about what am eating with never consulting Sam at all.  I think ahead so that I keep to just a good, healthy eating plan for most of my week, but know that I am eating whatever I want for a dinner out with friends or a large piece of cake.  Still, Sam and I go over my food journal regularly, and I show him my weigh-in record once or twice a month.  If I feel myself starting to crave something when I am already full or because everyone else is digging in, we have a plan for me to talk to, text, email, or phone Sam so that it doesn't slip into mindless eating.  Some nights he will ask me why I am wandering back into the kitchen after dinner.  There have been times when I fall from grace.  Sam usually says, "Talk to me or talk to Mr. Paddle."  This is good for me, and I like myself the next morning on the scale.




So the last week at work was chock full of food and parties and pot lucks and gifts of the chocolate kind.  Smooth sailing - never fell off the wagon all week.  Everyone was looking forward to a 2 week holiday!  On the final day of work for 2015, my doctor gave me a present of a small box of chocolates - maybe 15 pieces and very fancy ones.  I put them on the counter at home, and Sam had one.  It is better for me not to even start on stuff like that because I do not stick to just one or two.




I was in a joyous "no more work for 2 full weeks" mood!  The first night I got into the candy, I really did think about talking to Sam.  Then I convinced myself that was silly.  I could certainly handle this on my own.  Just lifted 3 or 4 out of the container and sort of spread out the other ones.  But the next night, it happened again; I was in full binge mode.  Pretty quickly the box was empty.  "OMG," I said to myself, "this is the 'old' me."  The one I hated.


Right then and there, I should have 'fessed up.  I knew if I did, there would probably be a spanking.  Funny thing about ttwd.  Yes, I do want to be spanked, and no, I do not want to be spanked right now.  A Jekyll and Hyde conundrum.  I buried the candy box with all the little gold paper cups deep under the other trash.  Boy, was this the old me!

As Sam spooned me that night at bedtime, he asked if I had gotten into the candy.  There was a pause that was just a second too long.  It was dark, and he couldn't see my face.  "Maybe 3 or 4," I said evasively.  By this time I was digging the hole deeper and deeper.  I convinced myself this was not a lie; indeed, I had eaten 3 or 4 (or 10 or 12.)  

The next afternoon we were putting on coats to head outdoors.  He asked me where the candy was.  I managed to dodge this one, too.  "Hon, please grab that bin of glass, and we'll stop at the recycling center on our way."  He fell for it, and now I was sinking in quicksand up to my chin.  I was also feeling extremely guilty.  Just because I hadn't actually "lied," did this omission really mean I was "lily-white?"  It most certainly did not.

Back from errands and Sam just stopped me cold, "Go get the box of candy."  I couldn't even speak.  I just turned and walked to the bedroom.  I have never, ever asked for a spanking before, but I just returned with the paddle in my hand.  When he saw it, he had a confused look on his face that quickly became stunned when he realized what had happened.

"You lied to me about X@%&* candy?!?"  I honestly don't remember what expletive he used, but his face could now be described as just plain pissed off.  I felt awful.  I am always honest.  I tell Sam if I mess up on anything we consider a rule even if he would never find out.

He was right.  How could I have let something so dumb as chocolate lead me down a path that included lies?  Truly felt ashamed.  Like there was a scarlet letter on my chest.



The spanking that followed was one for the record books.  First, with real anger and disappointment in his voice, I was told to take off all my clothes.  This doesn't usually happen, and he knows I just hate it.  I did not hesitate, but there were tears starting to well up in my eyes.  Even though I could not help making some noise, I was
not in any way protesting the fairness of this consequence.  As the strokes fell, Sam blasted me verbally as well.  The candy wasn't the issue.  It was the lie and the lack of honesty.  He found it totally unacceptable.  "We have never been dishonest with one another.  Never," he said.  The tears fell, and I apologized over and over again.

When Sam finally lifted me up to hold me, he whispered in my ear how it was OK now and how much he loved me.  I hugged him very tightly and just didn't want to let go.  There is no typical, witty Ella conclusion to this post.  I just held on until I was sure the connection was back.  There will always be another time that candy gets the best of me.  There will never be another time I don't admit it. 



 

28 comments:

  1. Ella, we are so much alike Unfortunately Nick doesn't pay much attention and I don't always confess and yes that brings a distance to us. And I completely understand the wanting to be spanked - but not now...

    I'm glad you have that spanking and situation behind you and that you are back to being your 'now' self.

    You do realize that your title is a direct quote from Tom Duff.

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    1. PK,
      Gosh, no, I do not remember that those were Tom's words! That really makes me think. I could try to blame my indiscretion with the chocolate on Cassie's influence, I suppose, but that would be a whopper lie. I screwed up all by myself.

      Ella

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  2. Ella,
    Many of us have been here before. Lesson learned the hard, ttwd way. Glad things are smooth and truthful now. Right?
    Meredith

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    1. Meredith,
      It does help to hear that others have stumbled like this. I would not trade the "hard, ttwd way" for anything. The phrase "Baptism by fire" comes to mind, but we are back on the same road.

      Ella

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  3. Oh Ella, Sorry and I'm glad things are back to normal. I so understand the last line of the post. None of us are perfect and we know we'll slip from time to time, but honesty is always best.

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    1. Thank you, Sunny. You are right. What was the one we used to say as kids? "Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." Yes, honesty is best.

      Ella

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  4. Oh Ella...I am so sorry you let yourself down and very happy Sam helped you rid yourself of the guilt. Sunny is right, none of us are perfect and we will slip up on our own 'gotchas' at one time or another. Sending lots of positive energy your way.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Cat, wise words from you are like a hug. Thanks for the good energy. I am back on the straight and narrow.

      Hugs,
      Ella

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  5. Great thing about ttwd is that there are good endings. The forgiveness from the one you hurt to forgiving yourself. The lying is always the worst I can do in my husband's opinion. But it's that darn box of Candy's fault

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    1. It has been hard to see the humor in this situation, Blondie, but I had to smile when I read your comment. :) It would be so much easier if I could blame the Candy!

      Ella

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  6. I blame the doctor who gave you the chocolate! Sorry. It was a nice gesture but... its good to hear you and Sam got past it. I recently understood "holding on until the connection was back". Thanks for that line. Happy New Year. Amy

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    1. Again, it would be nice if I could pin this mess on someone else. She is a great boss, though!

      Yes, we are connected again. That is the absolutely best part of ttwd for me. The closeness.

      Thanks, Amy!

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  7. Oh Ella, I have to say I am so sorry. I am a terrible one for choc and would have eaten it too. I honestly don't know whether I would have not told John but it is possible. I hate all this weight watching, but like you I hate being overweight too. I don't think I will ever get to my blasted target, those last few pounds feel like a mountain. I think that Sam understands how you feel, it was a one off for you to lapse like this. Please let it go, I am sure he has forgiven you, now forgive yourself. Pop to visit DF, she ate a box on purpose to get spanked! How different we all are, but we still all eat the damn chocolate!!
    Much love and sympathy
    Jan,xx

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    1. Thanks, Jan. I have also read posts of yours lamenting the chocolate and biscuits. We are sisters in this crusade. I had to look up "one off" as a Brit idiom. You made me smile! Yes, it was a one off and not to be repeated. Chocolate maybe, but no more lies.

      Thanks for the Love and Sympathy,
      Ella

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  8. Your 'story' sounds a lot like mine...Master is my diet coach..He has helped me lose 60 pounds...and i still report weekly weigh-ins. I put myself in your position once...and it could happen again. I have been told that He is mean...He is not...but there are consequences....Hugs to you for losing the weight...and to hubby for being consistent...
    hugs abby

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    1. Abby!! Sixty pounds is amazing. I am so happy for you. Just like having it be wonderful to not make all the decisions, I love having Sam be my coach here. I am also sure that your master is not mean. He just loves you sixty times more than most men. Lucky you!

      Hugs,
      Ella

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  9. I understand all of this, the lies by omission, the want it but not now and the chocolate splurge... It's all me too.
    I wish H would be my diet coach. I have asked, he has threatened, but it has never yet come about.
    At least you can now forgive yourself too.

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    1. Hello Janey,
      So glad you came to visit on this post. I was very scared that writing this would make me seem like a horrible person. Nothing makes a lie OK, but I feel so much better to know that others can say, "I have been there."

      Perhaps if you start to explain some of your deepest feelings on this, H would take another look.

      Thanks,
      Ella

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  10. Hi Ella, I'm so sorry and am happy it is now behind you. I totally relate to all of this too. Good on you with the weight loss, I think it's great that Sam is willing to 'help' you in this regard. Please don't be hard on yourself, so many temptations this time of year.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz,
      That is the best part of ttwd. It is in the past, now. Sam was very shaky about this role at first. He has been a rock, and I know I am lucky indeed. I am just now going to have ONE cookie, with Sam's blessing and lots of support.

      Hugs to You,
      Ella

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  11. I am happy you guys were able to resolve this and move on. It was obvious how badly you were feeling before he found out! Now it is settled and you get to start fresh! We ALL fall off the wagon at times!
    I can completely see this happening to me. Although the lie would be to myself. I remember some crazy years of messed up eating and hating myself for it. My Scotsman never liked my crazy dieting and refuses to get dragged into my self deprecation. He wants me healthy.... But I'm harder on myself when it comes to dieting failure!

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    1. Yes, Minelle, you are right. The real goal has to be healthy eating. I eat so many more fruits and vegetables than I used to and don't buy "diet food." Never want to go back to the old me.

      Hugs,
      Ella

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  12. That darn box of chocolates. I never let things like that in the house as I know I can't control my eating them. Also can't eat them for health reasons as well as weight reasons.
    Glad you and Sam reconnected after the spanking.
    Hugs Lindy

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    1. I agree with you about never letting them in the house, Lindy, but it seems like there is temptation everywhere you turn at the holidays. I have a health reason as well. When Sam wants sweets for himself, he keeps a secret stash, and I do not want to know where it is!

      Sending Hugs Downunder,
      Ella

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  13. Resisting temptation is nearly impossible. I always find myself more successful when there is nothing at my fingertips. I have found myself sneaking sweets often and many times hunger has nothing to do with it and while I am only accountable to myself, I always feel badly after. You are lucky to have your husband to support you with your goals. I am glad that you both hugged and reconnected and can start fresh. Honestly is always the best no matter how hard it is and I am glad you shared with him and with us. You are not alone. Hugs :-)

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  14. Your words are always tender, Terps. It is never a question of hunger, is it? Yes, I am very lucky to have Sam's help with this. I know that. The reconnection is the key.

    Hugs,
    Ella

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  15. Having just consumed nearly a whole box of dark chocolate coffee beans, I feel I ought to adopt you as a weightwatcher support friend. I wish we had your system over here, but I have tried it and Dan is just quite simply hopeless and it rarely lasts more than a couple of weeks. The only time I lost an enormous amount of weight was by sheer grit and determination on my account, and I felt hungry every minute of every day, so it was a miserable experience. If you have time, I should love to know what sort of things you eat. Just keep quinoa off the list. It's birdseed regardless of how you cook it, and what you put with it to enhance it!

    Hugs
    Ami

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  16. You are so right about quinoa. Yuck! That is the thing, too. I do not eat foods I do not like. Probably the biggest thing I pay attention to is to not eat very many processed foods. During the week, I also eat mostly just meat, vegetables, and fruit. No recipes. Just plain, flavorful straight up foods. We will talk, Ami.

    Hugs Across the Pond,
    Ella

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