I did not know ahead of time that March was Q & A Month. I am still learning the unique calendar year in this corner of blogland. Ella is almost one year old, so I expect her to be a bit more savvy sailing into Year 2. When visiting other blogs lately, I saw a question come up several times that got me thinking. The question seemed to assume that I already knew what I was getting out of a spanking relationship. I think I do know that, even though it is always evolving. But what about my partner? What does Sam get out of our ttwd connection and the spanking?
Instead of a Man on the Street Interview, I decided on a Man at the Table Interview. We sat down together at the end of our work day
like always. I was tired, and Sam poured me a beer. I explained to him where I had found the question and told him I wanted to write a post. "So, what do you get from this spanking relationship of ours?" The words were barely out of my mouth when he jumped on it.
"Ha! Domestic Tranquility," he smiled.
I laughed and asked, "What? Like the Preamble to the Constitution?"
"Sure, I guess. Spanking insures domestic tranquility around here." And then he was off and running.
"When it's wrong between us, it's like soldiers being out of step while they are marching. We need to be stepping along together." He talked about how ttwd "cements" the relationship between us and brings us closer. The love has always been there, but now it has become more intense.
I tried to shut up and just let his thoughts take him where he wanted to go. I try to do this more, but it is still hard. I feel like the only thing that will ever make me an excellent listener would be duct tape.
Sam continued by explaining he believes that for me, ttwd and the spanking are "internalized" - like the way I am wired. Not so for him. He doesn't need ttwd like I do, but he appreciates the mutual tenderness it brings. He likes the respect and trust he feels I give him. He said something else that I thought was strange. He said if he really did want to spank me, it would scare him - like he might be an abusive husband. I think that is silly, but that is what he said. Sam could never be that way.
He went on, "The step wanted to take with ttwd says that you trust me inherently. Ultimate trust - like life and death trust." He told me how hurt he felt when I didn't give him my trust several weeks ago with a decision he made. Thought about saying something here, but didn't. He is right. I did not support him, and it was wrong.
"I'm sorry," I said again. Inside, I know the spanking over this incident put it behind us, but I still feel ashamed.
He kept talking. He said the spanking is sexually arousing for him, too. Sex is much more exciting and intense. Sam smiled as he told me that it is wonderful that I dress for him now in the bedroom - just to please him. Like I finally figured out that men are more visual. This makes him very happy.
"It's reinforcing. I'm more masculine, because you are more feminine," was a revealing comment. And I really loved when Sam said that! I had to stop writing for a couple of minutes and climb up in his lap. He held me tight and went on. He told me he feels more protective of me - likes the feeling that he gets from taking care of me.
"It makes me feel strong and tender at the same time," he said with a smile.
As hard as I try, I know I still try to take control. I do know that it irritates him but, I was very surprised when Sam said, "When you do that, it creates a distance between us." Revelation! That doesn't just happen when I pull away; it happens when I am bossy, too.
Sam finished with saying that he doesn't feel he has experienced a change in his self-image. However, he thinks I have and for the better. He also commented that while he truly sees how happy and fulfilled I am in our ttwd relationship, he also sees I am more "needy" of him. I think he is right, but also that he likes feeling more needed.
So Sam's Preamble has many of the same components as the very cherished one I memorized back in 5th grade.
"I, the HOH in this household, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish ttwd Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common Connection, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of a happy Marriage for us both, do ordain and establish this Constitution for myself and my Ella."
Hope none of the Founding Fathers are turning over in their graves. Have never read anything biographical that would indicate an interest in ttwd, but you never know. None of them was in favor of a king, but I'll wager at least some considered themselves "king" of their castle.