Thursday, March 10, 2016

A Mighty Walloping

It seems that a recurring struggle for many of us who have chosen ttwd is relinquishing control.  It certainly is for me.  Why, if I have asked Sam to be the dominant in this relationship and I want to be the submissive, is this so difficult?  Is it a sign of the times in which we live?  Is it a defect in my personality and emotional makeup? Is it because I was the oldest child in the family?  Is it something I was taught?  Is it something I developed out of need just to cope with a specific situation?  I do think of this often now.  However, what needs to happen is for the thinking to take place before I screw up instead of after.

There were many times during our marriage where I took on the role of running things, because Sam was not able to.  His long work
days with lengthy commute times.  His earning his master's degree in business and working full time, too.  Away from home on business.  I was the model of efficiency and nobody better get in my way.

Later as a teacher, being in control seemed to be just part of being good at my job.  Multi-tasking is an art form for teachers.  It's all
about how do you deliver quality curriculum, assess, revise, individualize, manage behavior positively and maintain a kind, safe, and caring environment for so many important little people.  Talk about being the boss!

Hand in hand with the control issue goes trust.  If I truly trust Sam, then shouldn't giving up control be easy?  As I have said, this is not the first time this has been a problem for me.  Sam should be able to tell me he is going to do something or not do something and know - 

                           I believe him and I believe in him.

The issue is different each time I fall short.  But the result is the same.  Seems to me that there is a pattern - whether it is how to drive to our destination, cooking Sunday dinner, or even with a big financial decision.  Sam will consult me on most of these, and the discussion is open.  Of course, it's easy if we totally agree on the decision or if Sam decides to leave a decision to me.  What is much harder is being able to say and mean 

                                "Whatever you think."  

               I even consciously try to smile when I say that.  
                          Even better is to add, "I trust you."

Lately there is a serious issue under discussion at our house.  It is one with which I know he needs my support.  But my first reaction hasn't been support as much as control.  I want to dictate the solution.  In this case this is not only irritating to Sam, but my control will actually work against him.  A ttwd conundrum, if you will.  As he became exasperated with my interference, he finally asked,                
                         "Have I ever lied to you before?"

                             I had to answer, "No, never."

           "And I am not lying to you now.  You need to trust me." 

But I did not.  When I finally backed off the control, I just turned silent and drew into my myself.  I even spoiled a special afternoon we had planned together.

"Ella, come here," Sam said gently.  I straddled his lap a good while but didn't talk and didn't connect.  Finally he stood.  He was not angry one bit.  Just took my hand and led me down the hallway. 

I was crying long before he even started.  First he unzipped my jeans and pulled them and my panties down to my knees.  Then he actually took me across one knee.  He has never done that in the bedroom before.  Our antique bed is so high that is is difficult.  And he started with his hand.  He never does that either.  I guess it is what others would call a warm up.  I do not know what to call it, but it was so much more personal, and it felt so right.  It lasted a long while.  He talked to me the whole time about trust and control.  He stood and gently pushed me over the bed.  I heard him open the drawer, and he started paddling in earnest.  Very hard.

There were times when I didn't think I could stand anymore.  He still talked about the situation and the pulling away.  No more of that.  No more sinking.  There was one more pause, and I could not believe he was reaching for something else.  He continued, and I knew that even though it was awful, I was coming back to him.  He did not pause again and seemed to know I really needed this.

When he was finally done, I was exhausted. Maybe he was, too.  The tears had been cathartic this time.  He was back in charge, and the connection was back, too. As he gathered me into his arms, he said, "That was one for the record books."  He was not being funny, just firm.  I don't know how to explain it, but that was the worst and the best spanking I have ever had.  

                                                       No exceptions.  
                                 I need to give up the control.  
                                       And I need to trust. 

I know it may sound corny and country, but there is a lot of truth to,
                                   "Stand by your man." 


Epilogue - Since I finished this post, the whole issue has been happily resolved.  Lesson Learned - I didn't need to worry or control or retreat.  I just needed to trust him.


  1. Ella,
    A powerful and excellent post on the benefit of ttwd. You are so right. Trust is essential. Pulling away is something that does happen and our men will not accept that in any way, It always makes me feel safe and loved when Jack calls me on that distancing. I am glad things are smooth and the lesson is learned.

  2. What a great lesson, Ella. Life does throw problems at us all and we think we're being "helpful" but at times, it does turn out to be more controlling and less trusting than anything. Thanks for sharing this post. We can all learn from your experience. Amy

  3. Love is about trust. Even knowing that, it is difficult to give over that control and trust. I know it is for me and I don't do well.

  4. Hi Ella, :)

    Thank you for sharing this experience with all of us. The whole control thing/taking over/poking/"I know best" thing is a HUGE behavior to let go of- especially when one has, like you, been in a leadership role for so many years. It takes practice, and perhaps a few unpleasant spankings to get there. Sometimes it still comes popping out. Not easy! The fact that it is so upsetting to the ones that we love the most is the worst part of it all. Learning to fully let go and trust in this much deeper way, is no easy feat!

    Sometimes the biggest of loving spankings are the BEST loving spankings. "The worst and the best". I get that! They sure do speak volumes! Sam brought you right back to him. Sorry about such a spanking, but glad to hear that it was so very meaningful to you then.

    Your post made me tear up, and made me realize something that I needed to do too. Maybe I will write about it all. Your words here helped me out with something. You never know what one might learn/think about from a few heartfelt words! THANK YOU for sharing this post! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

  5. I hope everyone in blog land reads this post.....I so get you...I was a junior high teacher, the oldest in my family, main caregiver for my kids, i trusted...but to truly give up control...that was a whole new idea, one that i did not embrace readily. Life is much easier and calmer now that I have learned to trust enough to give up that control. Yeah for hubby for knowing just how to get you back....
    hugs abby

  6. oh Ella, I feel for you. It is the hardest thing to just trust and let go. Next time maybe it will be easier, here's hoping
    love and sympathy Jan,xx

  7. That was a really tough one Ella; thank you for sharing it. I 'get' how it was both the best and the worst spanking, though I've never had one of that magnitude.

    Hugs from across the pond,

  8. Thank you. Trust is so essential! I recognize most of what you wrote here in myself too! I shared this with my guy because of how difficult it can be for each of us in this dynamic. We both need to read our partners and trust each other and our responses too!
    I'm glad the spanking helped!

  9. Another great post. I love how ttwd brings us back to each other and establishes or re-establishes our roles when things start getting fuzzy. It's wonderful that Sam knew exactly what was needed to put everything back in place. It all makes me feel so safe and loved even though it may come with a very sore backside.

  10. So sorry you two had to go through that Ella but at the same time, very happy you've come out so well on the other side. To me, trust is even more important than love. Keep up the great work.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

  11. Such a hard situation to be in Ella when you have been a leader in many fields and now have to hand it all over to Sam. Glad he knew how to bring you back to him and trust in his decisions. Think its hard for all of us, thank you for sharing.
    Hugs Lindy

  12. Amazing post. You have certainly given me food for thought.

  13. Ella a wonderful post. It's hard to let go of control an to just trust. Thank you for sharing it with us. Spanking does help.


  14. beautifully written. thank-you for sharing your beautiful thoughts about trust and letting go of control and standing by your man. Hugs

  15. Ella....I know I'm late to this one. I read the post three different times but didn't reply at first because there was just so much to think about. Submission has been such a struggle for me so this post touched my heart.

    I'm so glad that you were eventually able to let go and trust Sam. Isn't it funny that it all worked out anyways? We never seem to trust that it will...that they need our help to get it right. But they don't. Nine times out of ten they've got it handled. That trust's so hard for some areas while it is so easy in others. Why is it so hard to let go? I'm not sure but this is something I know I need to work on.

    Thank you, Ella, for this post.