Thursday, March 2, 2017

"I Won't Let Go"


 



 
Anniversaries are most often happy occasions.  We choose a card or a gift or plan a surprise with love to celebrate a long ago wedding day with a spouse who seems to make us happier with every passing year.   I have pins and certificates  to signify years of service to our city's school district.  There are dates that become fixed in my memory of a special accomplishment or occasion.  They make me smile even if they do not touch anyone else.






Then, there are anniversaries of sad events.  Every year on September 11th, I find a meaningful way to pay my respects to the people who died in the attacks that happened that day in 2001.  I will never forget.  Memorial Day is so much more than just a day off work and hot dogs on the grill.  It is a day to remember all those who died in the service of their country.  I feel very strongly that we owe them our heartfelt tribute.  I am sure I am not alone in knowing the exact day when each of my parents passed away.  It gets easier as the years go by, but I will never forget those dates and how the world changed for me.





With an anniversary of a traumatic event in my life coming up soon, an idea started to form for this post.  At the same time, the lyrics of a special song captured my heart.  

                             Does it seem to any of you that 
                sometimes a song becomes part of the memories 
                       we keep, whether they are joyful or sad?  

The lyrics and melody seem to speak especially to me and then forever take me back to a time and place in my past.  Think I am going to use the words of the song to structure my story.  A link to the song, "I Won't Let Go," being performed by the group, Rascal Flatts, is provided HERE.  It is a very powerful song, and I have already talked to one dear blogger friend about how it also reminded me of the hardships she has dealt with in the past few years.  It will be interesting to hear if it connects with other readers.






                                          It's like a storm 
                                          That cuts a path
                                          It breaks your will
                                          It feels like that

                                         You think you're lost
                               But you're not lost, on your own
                                         You're not alone





It was 8 years ago now that I suffered a series of strokes - 5 of them in a 4 day period.  For most of the first day, I wasn't even understanding what was happening to my body and in my head.  I didn't feel in control of myself; my own free will was gone.  I couldn't think clearly and only knew that I felt alone and a little like I was drowning at the bottom of a well.  It was very frightening, too, but Sam was with me always.  He also did not realize what was wrong until my first visit to ER.  That was the first time people used the word "stroke."






                                       I will stand by you
                                       I will help you through
                                When you've done all you can do
                                       And you can't cope
                                       I will dry your eyes
                                       I will fight your fight
                                       I will hold you tight
                                       And I won't let go





The earliest physical manifestation of the first stroke was a horrible grand mal seizure on the left side of my body.  I was only half conscious - and I felt like I was standing and watching myself from above as it blasted and shook my body over and over again.  Sam thought at first that I had merely had a horrible nightmare.  Although I never had another seizure, each night in bed, my whole body would start to shake and tremble almost like how one would shiver violently from a very cold temperature.  For almost 6 weeks, Sam would spoon me and hold me tightly until the shaking would finally stop.  He never let go.  The tears started at least a dozen times a day.  He would help stop the crying by rocking me and saying, "Shhh..." over and over like you would to calm an infant.






                                       It hurts my heart
                                       To see you cry
                                        I know it's dark
                                       This part of life
                                      Oh, it finds us all
                                    And we're too small
                                      To stop the rain
                                    Oh, but when it rains





It was a very dark time for me.  The strokes that followed were not as severe as the first one, but with each one, I sunk deeper, and I was so afraid.  I couldn't hold my head up above my shoulders, and the thoughts in my brain were a staccato that made little sense.  It could take 60 seconds to get out just a few words, and the frustration brought on more tears.  There are huge chunks of time of which I have no memory at all.  All my senses but touch were affected; I could always feel someone's loving hands on me.  I always knew Sam or the boys were there.





I usually journal in the early morning, and I tried to write.  The letters would not stay on the lines, and my hand dribbled the words into a jumble that slid down the edge of the page.


                              "I am very scared.  I don't know
                                  wha
                                         t is
                                            happ
                                                 ening t
                                                     o
                                                        m
                                                            e."




When I walked down the hallway, my body would lurch and hit the walls.  I held onto things to keep my balance.  Sam put a stool in the shower so I wouldn't fall, and I did not shower unless he was with me.  Nothing seemed as difficult as buttoning a shirt; it was agonizingly slow.  I forced myself to do it over and over while I wiped the tears away.






                                   I will stand by you 
                                   I will help you through
                            When you've done all you can do
                                   And you can't cope
                                   I will dry your eyes 
                                   I will fight your fight
                                   I will hold you tight
                                   And I won't let go






I was hardly ever alone for long.  I was sleeping upwards of 16 hours a day.  Sam or the boys would fit in work and other responsibilities in the hours I slept.  Son #1 would keep his hand on my shoulder until I drifted off.  Many times his hand would still be there when I woke.  Son #2 stayed with me through 2 MRIs, sitting next to the scan machine and never letting go of my hand.  I am very claustrophobic and am petrified of being slid into that machine.  He talked of all his memories from childhood.  The loving moments he held dear.



                                  Don't be afraid to fall
                                  I'm right here to catch you
                                  I won't let you down
                                  It won't get you down
                                  You're gonna make it
                                  Yeah, I know you can make it





And, yes, like the song says, I did make it.  After 3 weeks of steady deterioration, I started coming back very slowly.  There are so many memories from my past that are fuzzy or just plain gone.  I compensate for the poor memory by writing everything down.  Handwriting will never be the same, but that is not a really important thing.  I can't balance on one foot if my life depended on it.  But, with the help of Sam, I crawled back out of that hole. 


                                       Oh, I'm gonna hold you
                                       And I won't let go
                                       Won't let you go
                                            No, I won't

One does not "celebrate" a bleak anniversary such as this one.  One remembers, perhaps with tears.  As for me, every year I thank God that...

                                      Sam never let me go.




40 comments:

  1. So glad you've shared this story. Thank you Lord for the gift of Ella in our lives.
    Stay healthy.

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    1. Beautiful comment, Lenore! YES on all accounts, and mostly "the gift of Ella in our lives"! <3

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    2. Sunny, my friend, that is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. I am very touched.

      Much Love from Ella

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  2. Ella,
    Thank you for your poignant story full of strength and deep love. Really, it makes you who you are now to us. I know you to be a strong, vital woman who laughs readily and who knows so much about so many things. I am thankful Sam was there and I am most thankful for you in my life.
    Meredith

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    1. Mere, I think this story has been waiting to be told for a long time. It makes me feel good to know that you understood.

      Very Thankful Ella

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  3. Oh Ella, I am so glad you are okay. I feel like this every year when the anniversary of my cancer rocks round. Each year we must be grateful to be still here with our husbands. Much love
    Jan, xx

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    1. Oh, Jan, that is one of those sad anniversaries, but a time to be thankful as you say. Sometimes we need to look backward before we can look forward. So very glad you were able to fight the cancer fight. You are a strong, wonderful woman.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  4. Dear Ella, :) What a beautifully written post- about a tough anniversary, of something that... well I can't even imagine...! This post reads of so much- special love, support, strength, and very dark days made lighter by those that love you.

    Thank you for sharing your story here. My sense of what you went through, is something that I am familiar with from the other side of things. Thinking of you going through all of that, has me in tears. I'm so glad that you had all of that steadfast love, good care, and especially your Sam to see you through. I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug that I can come up with, and lots of love too!

    I LOVE that Rascal Flatts song! Beautiful! It truly captures those feelings associated with being so lovingly cared for when the chips are more than down, and even on any given day... Just like your Sam does for you, and a certain someone that I know and love, does for me! ;)

    We've all been lucky because we have a leg up (or a spatula up) on love and intimacy. We share and learn, and it is incredibly special! I just know in my heart of hearts that your Sam has you, and will never let you go! You know what? In a similar, yet very different way, I'm pretty sure that you have him too! Many hugs and lots of love,

    <3 Katie t

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    1. My goodness, Little Katie, I could feel that hug just from your words! I am glad you appreciated this story. I am remembering the very first letter I ever sent to you. Tried to make you understand that there was that awareness of touch even when there did not seem to be any other response. I am so glad that your strong man was there and never let go.

      Ella Hugging Back

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  5. How beautiful for you to share such a private part of your lives with us. It brought tears to my eyes, not because I felt sorry for you, but because I could feel the love that surrounded you during that difficult and scary time. How precious that Sam never let go. What a comfort that is to know that our partner is and always will be with us. So this anniversary celebrate the joys and love that you still share with Sam. Time is precious and something we all take for granted. Thank you for your honesty in sharing this as a reminder of what is truly important in life.

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    1. How beautiful, Annabelle. I never dreamed that so many of you would be touched by this story. I agree that time is precious, and every day spent with the people you love is a gift.

      Hugs From Ella

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  6. What a wonderfully touching story of love, committment, courage and victory.....thank-you for sharing, even if M did ask why I had tears. Tears of sorrow for what you suffered, but also tears of joy that you are here now with us. Celebrate your and certainly Sam's victory....hugs abby

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    1. I think you have said it all with choosing to see the commitment between Sam and I. Tears are just feelings that run down your face.

      Much Love,
      Ella

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  7. Ella your story tugged at my heart strings. Your song choice is indeed a powerful one. A long and abiding love is something to truly treasure. I am so happy you are a sweet part of the blogging world. Sam is a keeper!
    Mignon

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    1. Mignon, I am glad you liked the song, too. It says a lot about life and love in only three and a half minutes.

      Ella

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  8. Tears. You are an amazing woman! Gosh. I know someone who went through a stroke at a very young age. Scary. She, like you fought hard and was blest to come through that dark time.
    Sam is a wonderful husband, but you know that.
    Your sons too. You are truly blessed!
    Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Minelle, your sweet words always make me think you must have a heart the size of Montana! I am very glad that your friend was able to "fight the fight" too. I am blessed with friends like you as well as my family.

      Hugs From Ella

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  9. Awww Ella...ya got me good...tears are absolutely rolling here. Wow...so very impressed in your strength and perseverance. So happy you had your Sam and wonderful sons to help you pull out of that darkness. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. I love how you always send us all blessings, Cat! Thanks for your lovely comment.

      Hugs From Ella

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  10. This is such a beautiful post. Such a strong couple, you married a wonderful man. This is the celebration of the anniversary of something you recovered from and yes, that's worth celebrating.

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    1. Thanks, PK. Yes, Sam is a wonderful man. Some day I hope we can have your guy and my guy meet. We are very lucky ladies.

      Ella

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  11. Ella,
    Such a strong and beautiful post. Heartbreaking difficult and yet such love, such beautifully harmonious love. Your people, Sam and your boys, are such wonderful men. The strength and perseverance to survive then to thrive, what an awesome testimony to who you are as a person.
    --Baker

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    1. How eloquent, Baker. Thanks so much. Recovering from something like that makes you see life in a different light. It does make you stronger, as well.

      Ella Smiling

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  12. Ella wow this had me in tears. Thank you for sharing this amazing journey in your life. You, Sam and the boys are all wonderful to have persevered and brought you through all this darkness. Celebrate being a survivor, you won a huge battle.
    So honoured to be able to have you brightening my life.
    Hugs from down under
    Lindy xx

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    1. These comments today have made me cry just reading them. I promise that my next post will bring some sunshine. Am loving your Lenten penance. Can't wait to visit again soon.

      Sending Hugs Downunder,
      Ella

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  13. Oh Ella, beautifully written. It brought tears to my eyes. You are a wonderful strong lady. So happy that you had your Sam and your boys pulling you through those dark days. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Our neighbour had a stroke 6 weeks ago. She and her husband have been married forever, go everywhere together and are in their 80's. When I go round I can see her strength and determination, we will do this, I will come back. Thankfully she is getting stronger day by day. Her speech isn't there yet.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. What sweet sentiments, Ronnie. I love when you come to visit! We gain so much strength from the good people around us.

      I will send some prayers to your neighbor lady. I think the determination will help her back. There are good things about being stubborn.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  14. Ella, wow, what a wonderful heartfelt post full of love. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for all of you. It must be a difficult anniversary. I'm so glad you had the love of Sam and the boys.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I always start to think of it this time of year. Like I need to remember and thank God every year for letting me come back from that time. Then I can put it on the shelf until next year.

      Thanks for the Hugs,
      Ella

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  15. Ella:
    So glad you recovered, I can relate as I had a heart attack three years ago and a bad motorcycle accident a year later. So, I know how difficult losing normal functions can be. the important thing is Sam was there for you. We enjoy stories of spanking and discipline, but a true dom puts his loved ones first and does his best to care for them. Good job Sam!!

    Rick

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment today, Rick. I know I am a lucky woman to have Sam cherish me so. Will share your sentiments with him.

      Very glad you were able to overcome the challenges you faced, too. It is like a second chance just to be alive.

      Warm Thanks From Ella

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  16. You articulated that experience so well. I am glad you had such wonderful support to help you through that time.

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    1. That is a lovely compliment. I take pride in my writing, and it is very special to me when someone notices. Come to visit whenever you can, EL.

      Ella

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  18. Ella, such a heart rending but uplifting post. Each anniversary, though bringing back painful memories, is a testament to the love and strength that saw you all through. Thank you for sharing your experience.
    Love and hugs,
    Rosie xx

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  19. Rosie,
    It seems that dark days like this one teach us to be thankful for all the little things that bring happiness in this life. For me, it is exactly as you say. A story of love and strength.

    Hugs Across the Pond,
    Ella

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  20. beautiful song...beautiful post...and a beautiful person who I am glad to call a friend...so glad you are here with us today and that Sam is always by your side :-) Love and hugs

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    1. Terps, you are the sweetest thing. Thanks for the compliments and all the love you share.

      Love,
      Ella

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  21. Oh my gosh. Your story just made me bawl a river. That's true love. I'm so glad you made it through, you're one tough girl. Hugs!

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  22. Ella, I am late to read and respond but still very much wanted to. I can only imagine what you and your family went through during this health crisis. I think I have an idea of the fear that you must have felt during this time and for a long while afterwards and I know it's beyond words. Its hard to ever imagine that things will ever be fine again during times like these and when those times hit is when those we love come to the rescue just as your sons and Sam did. I am happy to hear that this is now history and all is well, and that all these years later you and Sam are living a full life enjoying each other. I think you both have much to celebrate here.
    Many blessings to you both.

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