There's an issue that pops up at our house every so often that always causes me to dive into a tail spin and think that maybe ttwd is just not really working for us. When it happens, I monumentally overreact. There is distancing from Sam, sometimes tears, and lots of silence. Normally, with any of these behaviors from me, Sam would be patient and comforting for a time, and if that didn't help, there would be a spanking that would set things to right. That's normally.
But it just doesn't work according to plan when I perceive that Sam is, indeed, WRONG about something. Now this truly doesn't make sense. I can admit that I make a mistake, but I don't want to think he can make a mistake. The ideal HOH, the perfect dominant husband, is always all-knowing, patient, and sure of himself. He is wise and loving and firm. He knows just what road we should take on this journey. I try to tell myself, "Ella, the real world is not your fairy tale."
Sort of makes me think of Dorothy and her friends all off to see the great and almighty Oz. They travel down the Yellow Brick Road to consult the powerful Wizard about a brain, a heart, some courage,
and a way back home. They are sent on a quest to prove they are worthy of these gifts. When they return to the Wizard with the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West, they discover that the Wizard doesn't really have any magic power at all. When Dorothy calls him a "very bad man," he assures her,
"Oh, no, my dear. I'm a very good man.
I'm just a very bad Wizard."
And the Wizard is wise after all; he shows Dorothy and her companions that they already possess the gifts they thought had to come from something magic.
TTWD feels like magic sometimes. The way it has changed our marriage and how it makes me so happy, but Sam is not a wizard. He is a very good man, but he is not a very good wizard. He makes mistakes. After all, I am the one who came to him and finally spoke about my heart's desire. He listened and learned even though it was not a natural instinct for him.
"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again,
I won't look any further than my own back yard.
Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
When Sam forgets to act as the HOH around here, I miss it terribly. I worry that he doesn't want that responsibility any more. Do you remember when everyone in the Emerald City has to wear green-tinted glasses? Well, that's me. I see everything in our relationship through ttwd glasses, and Sam does not. I feel lost and I want to find my way back home.
And then he is back and tells me how silly I have been to worry that he does not want to be my HOH. Tells me how that will never happen. How much he loves me and how I am the most important thing in his world. How happy I make him. How he would do anything for me. How he loves to spank my bottom. Then I know for sure that he has a brain and a heart and the courage to be my man and that those qualities were always there. I just lost my way for a bit. Must be the poppies! And when he pulls me close in his arms and holds me tight, I close my eyes and tap my heels together three times and remember there's no place like home.