Thursday, November 16, 2017

Love Our Learners - My "Chapter One" Story




Once a year the bloggers I know and whose blogs I read set aside a special day to welcome readers that don't normally leave comments on the posts we write.  We celebrate you even though we don't know who you are, because we remember being right there, too.  I adamantly refuse to call you "lurkers" as this always sounds rather seedy and furtive to me.  In fact Webster still gives the original definition of lurk as "to lie in wait in a place of concealment, especially for an evil purpose."  I certainly didn't feel that way when I was first reading spanking blogs, but I ached in my heart to learn how I could have a relationship with my husband like the personal stories I read online.  So, today I post for all of you out there that aspire like I did, and my LOL is an acronym for  

                                         "Love Our Learners."




I was trying to decide how I wanted to speak to you all this year.  A fresh approach, if you will.  A new angle.  There is a dear friend who has had me thinking of writing a letter for the last few days, and suddenly, I knew what my topic would be.  I wasn't going to write to you alone.  I was also going to write to your partners, your husbands or your wives.  I will probably use a husband as the intended recipient because that comes from my own experience.  However, I know that there are couples out there who have created their own paradigm of This Thing We Do, and I would love to hear from you, too.


When a new blogger or reader pops up and catches my fancy, the most fascinating question I can ask is, "How did you get here?" 

        What part does spanking play in your psyche? 




I call these your "Chapter One" stories.  If you are now in a spanking relationship, your story has more of an "Ever After" component to it, even though the dynamic between the two people who practice ttwd never remains static.  It is always growing and changing.  But I see that as your Chapter Two or Chapter Three stories.  


Chapter One has to do with everything that formed you into being a person who both desired and NEEDED spanking in your life.  Some refer to it as being a "spanko."  Not my favorite moniker,
but as of yet, I have not thought of anything better.  I put NEEDED in capital letters because that's the way it feels when you want something so badly.  You don't just want, you NEED.  Your husband should emphatically know that this is like breathing to you.  It is such a part of you down deep in your heart and soul that you will never be quite fulfilled without it.  Never be quite as happy as you could be. 


So this year my LOL post is meant for those out there who desperately want to be spanked.  How do you make him understand?  Perhaps you don't even know how to begin talking about it with your husband or perhaps you have explained and discussed this with your man, but he just isn't comfortable or in any way eager to enter into what many call a domestic discipline relationship.  I have been there, too.  There was no magic wand that made my "ever after" come true.  It was a long and hard road.




I think the first thing a husband needs to know from you is where did this overwhelming desire for spanking come from.  

                           "What's the matter with you, anyway."  
                           "Why would you want to be spanked?"

Telling my story to Sam that first time was one of the hardest things I ever did.  I really don't have many early childhood memories at all where I wasn't already fascinated with spanking.  Don't really know what triggered it for me.  It was just always there in my head. Like I had blue eyes and freckles when I was 5 years old, I also had spanking in my head.  Surely you are all familiar with the companies who advertise to analyze your DNA.  They are all over the television these days.  What if I did that?  Besides being Irish, Scotch, and French Canadian, would they find a spanking gene in my DNA?  It feels that intrinsic to who I am.  And truthfully, if I could pay a fee of $79.95 and find out why I am the way I am, I would pay it in a heartbeat.  I have always wanted to know WHY.




My parents were loving, and I was well cared for as a child.  Even if we earned their displeasure over something we did or said, there was just one quick whack on the bottom and we went to our room for a few minutes.  That was not anywhere near my coveted spanking fantasies nor were my mother or father ever in these little musings that floated around in my head.
  

Right from the start the spankings in my head followed a very set pattern.  In my fantasy, I had misbehaved in some way that showed a flaw in my character.  My vanilla self had a temper that did land me in trouble many times (still does), but that certainly wasn't the
only flaw that colored my dreams of spanking.  Then someone in a
position of authority over me would decide that I needed to be spanked and that this would teach me a lesson that would, in the future, keep me from doing or saying whatever had landed me in hot water.  For my fantasy it was always over the knee.  Sometimes I had to fetch the implement with which I was to be spanked, sometimes not.  The spanking was always on the bare, never over clothes.  But somehow, the spanking was always a token of love. 



It really seems to me that even as a child I instinctively knew that this NEED was something I had to keep private.  I was very curious if other children I knew were spanked this way, but I was careful not to appear too interested.  If the other kids were talking about a spanking, I was zeroed in on the conversation.  Sounds strange but I can still remember the words that were used.  Then there were pictures from comics or magazines that I would cut out and save to pore over once in a while.  I kept them at the bottom of a pile of little treasures in a small wooden cedar chest.  And stories in books!  Or even just the word "spanking" was enough.  I knew them by heart, and I have heard other bloggers mention the same obsession with a passage in a childhood book. 




At this time of my life there was not anything sexual about my spanking thoughts, but as I grew into my teens, I think the fantasies centered more on a man or even an older boy doing the spanking.  I met Sam when we were both 15 years old and there were times I did think of him spanking me, but I never confided in him in any way.  There were several times in college when we had the privacy that I tried to goad him into spanking me, but I still maintain that at that time it never had a sexual connotation. 


Soon I was a busy young wife and mother, and while the spanking thoughts never went away, it was easy to suppress them.  After all, I was old enough to have an uneasy feeling that there was something perverted about it all.  I think I felt rather than knew that if I ever told anyone, even Sam, they would think there was something wrong with me.  Maybe Sam would not love me anymore.  I believed I was a good person and that this part of me was something that was a little shameful.


Don't believe that the sexual component of spanking came until I was almost 30.  Sam and I were having sex, and I was slow to orgasm.  That wasn't a normal thing for me, and I was used to achieving orgasm regularly.  I honestly can't remember if he asked me or I asked him but he gave me several whacks with his hand and I had a skyrocket orgasm straight away.  Eureka!  There were other benefits to spanking.




You would think in a marriage that has lasted decades, I would have told Sam about this desire, but I never did.  We loved each other; that has never changed.  But there were so many times over the years that there was just no way to solve a difference or to defuse the anger of one or both of us over a perceived slight or disagreement.  We spent days or weeks living with silence or a begrudging truce.  What a stupid way to settle a quarrel.  What a waste of our time together. 


I started out with my Chapter One story because at some point, if you really want your husband to understand who you are, you are going to have to tell him your story.  He needs to know this isn't a passing fancy.  You didn't just read Fifty Shades of Grey and want to give it a try.  He has to know how deep this goes.  As I have made friends with other bloggers, I have learned that there are remarkable similarities in our stories.  As I began to be more comfortable with exploring on the Internet, I have read the stories of others and always hear them recall their early memories that were so much like mine.




There was such a loneliness all those years of my life when I thought I was the only one in the whole world with this NEED.  Surely there couldn't be anyone else.  Many years later when I found the blogs that spoke to the spanking part of me, I felt such joy that I would start crying, realizing that I wasn't the only one.  I was so timid that for a long time I wouldn't even look online for fear Sam would somehow find my browsing history. 


Funny how things work.  It wasn't even the Internet that gave me the courage to talk to Sam.  It was a tiny little sex advice column in a magazine.  Just like in times of old, I cut it out and carefully saved it, determined to finally tell Sam who I really was.  At that time I thought the most I could hope for was a spanking as a prelude to sex.  And that is where I started.  I also found a short list Sam had written long ago of sexual fantasies he had.  We were still a very young married couple when we went through a tough period and saw a counselor once or twice.  He suggested several things to help us communicate better.  Oddly enough, most of them included writing to each other and listing things that we wanted to be different between us.   Sam had written that list almost 35 years ago, and I had saved it all that time.





Again when you think about how to tell your husband who you are, I might suggest writing it down.  Sometimes it is easier to get all your thoughts down on paper just the way you want to explain them, without the fear of him saying, "You want me to what?!?"  I wrote to Sam a lot in the beginning.  He could take his time to digest it before we sat down together, and I had to look him in the eye.  The morning I first brought up the topic of spanking, he thought we were going to make love.  Instead I made myself look as pretty as I could and first handed him his list from long ago.  The look on his face went from confused to recognizing his own handwriting to wondering why I would have ever saved such a thing.  He asked me something, but I quietly shook my head and handed him the little spanking clipping.
  

He read it, and his look was serious for a moment.  Then he looked at me with a big smile.


"Is this what you want?" he asked.  I nodded and dropped my eyes.  There was already a warm feeling of dominant/submissive that day.


"Well, why didn't you tell me this before, Ella?"  I couldn't answer right then, but I did get the first spanking of my life, and the lovemaking was incredible.  It was a big day, and I still celebrate August 11th.  As long as the spanking was connected to sex, Sam was all about it. 


                            It was kind of like a button that read 
                                      "For Sex, Press Here."  



Sam pressed the button quite often.  He was scared to hurt me, but it was a spanking.   That sort of opened the gate, but there was so much more to tell him, to explain, to hope for.  The difference was that I didn't feel so ashamed anymore, and there was suddenly this intense connection between Sam and I.  I was not expecting that at all.


Now, too, there was a freedom of sorts because I dug into spanking books and websites and blogs like I was trying to drink it all in as fast as I could.  I was as thirsty as someone stranded in the desert; I couldn't get enough.  I wasn't afraid of Sam finding out anymore.  In fact Sam was happy to order me anything I wanted to read.  After all, he loved pressing that button.  So here I was, perhaps just as you are now.  I knew what I wanted, but I did not know how to have Sam and I take that leap to This Thing We Do.


It probably came from being an English major and all that "the pen is mightier than whatever...." stuff, but when I found an article or post that talked about a domestic discipline relationship, I printed it.  I had stacks and stacks of paper.  At least one poor tree died when Ella was born.  I read and reread the ones that touched me most.  It was almost four months to the day before I sat with Sam for.... the big talk.





I didn't want to look him in the eye this time either.  I sat next to him on the sofa sort of entwined with my head on his shoulder.  I could feel him breathing and smell his scent, but both our eyes faced forward.  The car worked well for a lot of later discussions, too.  Eyes on the road.  First I told him 3 or 4 things about myself that I did not like.  These were not any big surprise to Sam.  He probably could have listed those same 3 or 4 things himself.  He was not sure where I was going with this discussion.  Maybe he stuck with it thinking it might end in sex.  I don't think Sam is much different than other guys with that train of thought.


Then I asked for him to help me be a better person, to overcome some of these faults I hated about myself, that I didn't seem to be able to change on my own.  I described a structure of a sort where he was the boss about these certain things and made his expectations known to me.  And where there was a consequence when they were not met.  I could feel his body shift and stiffen, and I knew he was uncomfortable. 


"You want me to spank you for losing your temper?" he questioned and pulled away enough to look me in the eyes.  Again the submissive thing.  I dropped my eyes and nodded.  We talked a very long time that night.  Several hours.  I went on to tell him this was part of who I was.  Part of what I had wanted all my life.  I wanted to please him.  I wanted to conquer my faults and know he was proud of me.  I wanted him to help me be all I could be.  The spanking with sex was fun, but that is not what I craved, what I NEEDED.  I needed for him to be the boss and to make some of the decisions for me.  I needed to feel he was stronger and willing to...

                            Care for me, not just care about me.




He didn't think he could do that when we first talked.  He couldn't ever "hit" me.  I was a grown up and should be able to make all those changes by myself if I really wanted.  In the end all I asked of  him that night was to agree to talk further and read together and even on his own.


I started asking him in a submissive manner if it would be OK to read and talk when we got home from work.  Those saved posts and articles were what I drew from.  For some reason Sam wanted me to read aloud to him.  That ended up working well because he could stop me at any point and ask me a question. 


                    "Do you feel the same way as this woman?"  
                   "I would not be comfortable with that, Ella."
           "There isn't going to be any chains or leather, is there?"


We did this for well over a month, and there was no spanking except for the sexy kind.  In the end there were certain things that we talked about during these discussions that finally made sense to him.  The idea of him embracing his maleness and me embracing my femaleness touched a chord.  I never stopped asking his permission before I started to talk about TTWD and spanking as part of a relationship.  Actions speak louder than words.  It wasn't all serious.  There was lots of laughter and hugging and kissing, too.




It boggled his mind, but I think he finally came to believe it when I told him that his spanking me would be the most important way he could ever tell me that he loved me.  Gifts and flowers and fancy dinners would never mean even a tiny bit as much to me or make me as happy and fulfilled as spanking me when I strayed from who I should be to him and to the rest of the world.  This would never be a game or a fad.  It was a basic a human NEED for me just like eating and breathing.




If I had given up when he first said "No way, Ella,"  we would have missed the best years of our marriage.  Obviously demanding would have defeated the whole purpose.  Better to be the Tortoise, slow and steady, than the Hare.  So any advice I leave with you learners out there today, starts with be sure of what you want and be sure he loves you.  Then take it slow and steady.  

Be ready to not only stand in front of your husband naked for a spanking or for sex but to bare your heart and soul to him.  It is a monumental step for any couple to make.  I don't believe I have ever been happier in my whole life, and the bonus to a ttwd marriage is that I have never seen my Sam any happier either.



                                             Write Your Own Chapter One


  
    

43 comments:

  1. Ella,
    This is truly a powerful post. Think of the new people you are helping. The best thing about your post is that the central theme is communication. As you so eloquently wrote, ttwd is always changing and becoming better as each couple turn toward one another. Your post is a road map to having a healthy, loving ttwd relationship.

    You write so well. Your post is like a road map to happiness. Yes, it is long, but so worthy of readers who take the time to think about what you have shared.
    Thank you, Ella, my dear friend,
    Meredith

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    1. Oh, Mere, I did love your "road map to happiness!" Thanks for that insight and all you have done to encourage me. I will never forget that "First Hello" and the wisdom you shared.

      Sincerely,
      Ella

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  2. Awww Ella...thank you for sharing your story...what a wonderful gift you have given to those who need help explaining their needs. You are another lovely addition to our blogland family. Happy LOL days.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Sweet words, Cat. Even if there was not a single comment today, I hoped that this Chapter One story might help someone out there. Someone just like me who hadn't taken that first step yet.

      Love and Hugs,
      Ella

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  3. Ella, this is so wonderful the way you have described your journey to reach you way of ttwd. I'm sure newbies will take a lot from this, its food for thought.
    Enjoy your weekend with both lol days, hope you make plenty of new friends.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. It is truly a journey, Lindy. Who would have ever thought I would make such a good friend in the Land Downunder!

      Thanks for Being You Says Ella!

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  4. Hi Ella, what a marvellous post this is. If this doesn't bring a few learners out nothing will" So glad you and Sam are enjoying ttwd.
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Thanks, Jan. Sam and I do enjoy the connection between us every day. Sometimes I still pinch myself that we found our way with ttwd. Hope you and Hubby are happy and spanky!

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  5. Hi Ella, wow, this is such an awesome post. Thank you for sharing your story and experience. This will resonate with many.

    Happy LoL Days. Hope you meet lots of new friends :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I hope so, Roz. Thanks for all the kind words you share so often. You ought to be the queen of Blogland because your are steadfast and so kind-hearted. Always glad to have you visit here.

      Hugs From Ella

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  6. Ella, wonderful and powerful. You really do write so well. I hope new learners will take the time to read what you have written. Communication and more communication. Thank you for writing this post.

    You are one lovely, kind and beautiful lady. Happy that I can call a friend.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Thanks, Ronnie. It is the longest post I have ever written, and I was worried that people would find it tedious.

      You are such a kind person, Ronnie. I think the story of all the wonderful friends I have made could be Chapter Two for sure.

      Much Love Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  7. Such a strong and meaningful chapter one story. it made me think back to my beginnings and how we developed. Thank you for sharing and giving me a nudge to take a walk down memory lane.

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    1. Good for you, Fondles. Like I said, everyone has their own Chapter One story. We should never forget who we are and where we came from. The memories are important to who we will become in the years ahead.

      Hugs From Ella

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  8. Ella, what a wonderful, heartfelt post. You explained so well our innate need for ttwd. I hope it will result in many more Chapter Ones being written.
    Rosie xx

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    1. Wouldn't that be lovely, Rosie! I would so like to hear everyone's Chapter One stories. To have them written down. Perhaps there could be a book of all those wonderful stories. I think we would find that many would talk about the NEED.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  9. Beautiful. Your chapter one resonates with me as my beginning feelings of this need were much the same. I loved hearing your story and the journey you both took. Some wonderful advice for anyone embarking on this journey with lots of hope. Happy LOL days! Hugs

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    1. Terps, I think that was what made me cry when I first knew there were other women out there like me. Like you say, those "beginning feelings" were similar stories to my own. I was not alone.

      Thanks for your Wisdom,
      Ella

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  10. Oh Ella,
    Thank you for sharing your very honest and poignant chapter one. It seems many people have great felt needs buried deep inside them but it's often too scary to let that desire be known. You've opened the door for many of us to explore.
    Amy

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    1. Amy,
      I was so scared to ever let anyone know who I really was. It reminds me of a quote I remember. Perhaps I am finally grown up!

      “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
      ― E.E. Cummings

      Hugs From Ella

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  11. Wow! Beautiful story (chapter one). I really learned something new. Love your post, love your blog, Happy LoL day!

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    1. Happy that it spoke to you, Blondie. That was the whole purpose of this post and LOL days I think. Thanks for your support and kindness. It means a lot.

      Hugs and Smiles From Ella

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  12. So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Dear Anonymous,
      So far, your comment is the best of all. I love to know there are readers out there who appreciate my blog. It makes me work hard as a writer and strive to be the best I can be.

      Sincerely,
      Ella

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  13. Love this Miss Ella,
    Your story is beautiful and written from the heart. I too remember rereading children's books with spanking scenes as a little girl and feeling like maybe there was something wrong with me. I never broached the subject with anyone until Hoss. I love the way you write!
    --Baker

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    1. Thanks so much for the compliments, Baker. I love the writing and hope that I am able to relate who I really am to others. It was certainly a long time coming, but I think it was worth the wait.

      Hugs From Ella

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  14. Hi Ella! :) This is a BEAUTIFUL, well thought out post! It is a true gift to those people who are wondering what it is like to get started, and those who long to be spanked. It is also a special treat to read, for those of us who know you, and love you. What you so endearingly refer to as your "Chapter One" has turned into a most special love story- that of Ella and her Sam! I am guessing that your time and effort in writing this post, will help others begin their own version as well.

    It is always a pleasure to read here, Ella! You are a wonderful writer, and friend! Happy LOL Days! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie xxx



    <3 Katie xoxo


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    1. Katie,
      I think that is so true! Each of us has a Chapter One story, but with courage it becomes a great love story, too. This post was indeed quite an effort, and I hope there are a few people out there who begin to think about how they want to pursue their their own hopes.

      You touch my heart in so many ways, Katie. When my temper starts to get the better of me, I remember your sweetest lesson, ABK. Always Be Kind. I think, "What would Katie do?" and many times it helps me to be patient. No spanking needed!

      Hugs and Love,
      Ella

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  15. Hello Ella, Came across your Blog on Hermione's LOL post. Loved this post.

    King

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    1. I am so glad you came to visit, King. Do you have a blog? I have never visited, and I would love to do that. Glad you approve. I always think that if the HOH in the relationship can relate, then I have explained myself well. Regards to you and kitten.

      Best,
      Ella

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  16. Hope you don't mind me being late, I have not been feeling my best for a few days. It does amaze me how similar so many of us were in remembering these desires since childhood. I remember making up my first spanking story long before I could write. I think I was about four.

    It has been freeing finding the blogs and friends. It allowed me to come out to Nick. It surely hasn't been a smooth ride, but we're still hanging on trying together. That makes it all worthwhile.

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    1. PK, late or not I am always glad to hear from you. Hope you get rid of this bug very soon! Of course you would remember having a story in your head. All those characters walking around with stories to tell.

      This post was dedicated to you, dear friend. You were the inspiration. We each walk a different road, so I always hope that you and Nick will get where you want to be.

      Much love,
      Ella

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  17. It was amazing reading your story Ella, happy LOL day!

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    1. Thanks so much, Daisy. "Amazing" is a powerful compliment, and it makes me very happy to know you did find something that appealed to you so strongly. Enjoy the rest of this LOL weekend and hope to see you again.

      Best,
      Ella

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  18. Ella:
    A most poignant and beautifully written post!! Thanks!!

    Rick

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    1. You are most welcome, Rick. It is lovely that the post resonated with the guys as well as the girls. This piece took a big chunk of my time this week, and it makes me very glad to know that it was well received.

      Thanks From the Heart,
      Ella

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  20. Hi Ella,
    What a wonderful post which describes my wife's spanking addiction perfectly. Happy LOL day and may there be many more

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    1. So special to hear from the male contingent this weekend, Don. Hoping you are feeling well and that your spanking hand is being put to good use. It is always amazing to me that our "Chapter One" stories are so similar. LOL greetings to you and your lovely wife.

      Sending Hugs Downunder,
      Ella

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  21. This is a very compelling post Ella, and sharing it is a very generous gift.
    Your story is beautifully written and I can say that I am one of those persons who understands your NEED completely. Finding others like me was nothing short of life altering, and being grateful for it is an understatement at best. Thank you for writing such a personal and genuine chapter about a marriage made better by caring for each other beyond belief. I am so happy that Sam said yes and that everything deep down inside is truly satisfied. Life is short and we need to live it to its fullest.
    A very happy LOL day to you.

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  22. Goodness, Laurel. This was an unusually long post, but your comment summed it up in such a succinct manner. You have that gift, just like Meredith, of being able to get to the heart of the matter.

    The post was a labor of love and something I have wanted to write for a long time. I am so glad you found it to be a gift for that is what I meant it to be.

    Hugs From Ella

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  23. Oh I loved this post. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey. I think many, many related!

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  24. What a fabulous post. I loved reading your first chapter. Thank you for sharing such a personal positive experience.

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