Wednesday, January 10, 2018

To Err on the Side of Love




It took me a very long time to finally write this post.  I was truly ashamed of something I said to Sam, and I wasn't sure I was brave enough to honestly tell you all what happened.  Then there was a powerful post that Mere wrote a while ago that made me think about the honesty thing.  Sam and I were past it, but I realized that there was a lesson I needed to remember and a reason to put it down in words.  
                                                          Ella is so far from perfect. 


Things had been smooth around Sam and Ella's house.  My medical issues were under control, and I was feeling quite spunky again.  Sam took such good care of me.  For so long the only thing that kept his spanking hand busy was for me to get depressed or silent.  Other than that, I was pretty much free to get as mouthy as I wanted.


Most of the sassiness was just silly, funny stuff that made us both laugh.  For a time, Sam was just so happy I was feeling better that he overlooked a lot of wise ass comments, some bossiness, and even minor snarkiness.  He would just hug me to him and say,
 
                           "I am so glad to have you well again.  
                You make me so happy.  I love you, pretty lady."

                                   "I love you, too, mister."



I had a lot of time on my hands.  First, I retired and then ended up confined to the house instead of on vacation.  Major cleaning was always part of my plan for when I stopped working.  I was a woman with a mission.  Although I am a very tidy person, it had been years since I had had the time to go through drawers, cabinets, closets, bins, shelves, and pantries.  I knew that there would be so much to clean, discard, donate, and reorganize.


Good god, I even went to the Container Store and put all the spanking implements and sex toys in little bins and baskets.  Paddles in this shoe bin, vibrators in that clear one, and canes and straps in the skinny, longish tray.  Saint Azotaina, patron saint of spanking, gave it all her blessing.


If they only knew how true this was.


Where things started to go south around here was when I moved my Clean & Purge Campaign to the garage.  You have heard me talk of all Sam's qualities, and you may also remember that he is not tidy.  I think the last time Sam cleaned his garage, everyone was speculating on who killed J.R. Ewing on the Dallas television series.




Sam can build a beautiful desk or a garden trellis.  He can repair a chair leg or the toilet or the garage door.  But my guy cannot clean up when he is done.  So, together we set out to slay the dragon, and it was a formidable foe.  Sam would have rather let the dragon lie, but here is where Ella got really bossy.


  • "It's time, Sam.  
  • We need to clean this garage.  
  • Yes, we have to!  
  • We'll do it together and just a little bit at a time.  
  • It'll be OK, you'll see."

He growled and complained, but we began.  Surly was his middle name and bossy was mine.  Not a good combination.


  • Well, you're not going to keep that, are you?
  • Oh, for god's sake, Sam.  What the hell is this?
  • If you would just stack those boxes like this, you would have so much more room.
  • Don't put that back on the shelf; I need to clean it.
  • Here, put this in the drawer with the wrenchy things.






The bossiness took on epic proportions, and for a while I rationalized it by telling myself this job needed to be done.  If Sam wasn't so sloppy, then this whole business would not have been necessary.  But I began to hate myself and the things I said.  What's more, I began to resent that Sam didn't set things straight.  The balance in our relationship was way off.
  

"I guess he does not care.  Perhaps ttwd does not apply if we are in the garage," I thought.  It had been one hell of a long time since there had been any serious spanking to rein in my bossiness.  In fact, I was in full flower bitch mode.




Nevertheless, that day, he kept our date to head over to our favorite Saturday afternoon pub when we had finished another section in the garage.  We usually enjoy this time together so much.  Not that day.  After all, I could say or do anything, and Sam would ignore it.  I do not remember what conversation preceded it, but the most hurtful, horrible words came out of my mouth.  As I said up front in this post, I think I have put off writing this because I was so ashamed for you to know I was so mean.

                                      This is what I said -

"Sam, I am coming to the conclusion that you are not cut out to be the boss, and you never will."  The look on his face was immediate.  He was stunned and hurt.  I immediately apologized and tried to retract my words, but there are some things you cannot "unsay."




We left soon after, and it was awkward between us.  I said I was sorry again and again, but Sam was quiet.  When we got home, I was scared.  I wasn't scared Sam would spank; I was scared he wouldn't.  I felt we were suddenly a million miles apart and that there was no way back.  Why did everything feel wrong between us?  What had I done?  How could I have hurt him like that?
  

I retreated, tearful and ashamed.  There were several minutes of intense self examination.  I agonized and suddenly I could look at the situation with a clear head.  All Sam had really been guilty of was being patient with me.  So glad that I was better and ready to jump into life again.  Loving me.  And I had been so horrible to him.  I attacked the very thing that has made our marriage so much better.  So much happier.  I had crushed it like a bug on the floor.


Then Sam opened the door and took my hand.  He was not angry but serious and determined.  "We will not end this like you think, Ella."  Before there was any spanking, I was sobbing heavily and apologizing profusely.  He paid no mind and unzipped my jeans.  Down I went across the bed.




I could hear him taking off his belt, but I could not stop crying.  Besides, there was nothing I could say.  Sam had enough to say for both of us.  He wasn't giving up on me or on ttwd.


In truth, I don't remember that much about the spanking except that it went on for a good while and it hurt.  It wasn't the belt that made me cry though; it was my guilt and my fear that Sam wouldn't be able to forgive me.




"I'm still here, Ella, and I'm not planning on that changing.  I'm here for you when you are sick, and you are here for me when I need you.  This is a bump, but we will get back to who we are to each other."


Sam used his belt, but through it all, I thankfully felt him take charge again, and I felt his love.  When it was over, I knew the rightful boss was back at the helm.  He held me tenderly until the tears finally stopped.  I was still trying to say how sorry I was, but he told me, "No more."  It was over now, and I was forgiven.  

                                TTWD wasn't going anywhere. 








 

33 comments:

  1. Oh Ella, never mind. Everyone says things they don't mean at some point. I am positive that sam has put things to rights now. Just a blip.... I fear we too have lost our way with ttwd a bit. It seems to have gone on holiday here and I too am pretty much going my own way, depressing isn't it? Hope all is well with you now
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Jan,
      I am so relieved that you and others have left comments today. This morning, I was so fearful that my post would meet with so much disapproval that friends and readers would not write. This was very hard to write, but tonight I feel that I can move on, and that I have met this with honesty.

      If you feel you have lost your way a bit, please make the effort to find your closeness again soon, before there is an issue that is so hard to overcome.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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    2. Ella, of course we woould all write. No one is judging you here. For goodness sake, you didn't commit murder you know, just did what we all do. Please please forgive yourself, Sam has I am sure, hugsxxxx

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    3. Thanks Jan,
      I think I dwelled on this for so long that it seemed too big to think about. Thanks for your extra special attention today. You are in my prayers, missy.

      Love,
      Ella

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  2. Miss Ella,
    I love this post. It is brutally honest and shows your integrity to be so real with all of us. It's beautiful how your man was able to push past your insecurities and prove once again that he "gets this" as much as you do. The need, the desire, the structure, is still there even when we do not see it, the boundaries remain. I'm certain this process was extremely tough to go through, but wow, what a powerful testimony to your marriage. Thanks for being so real.
    --Baker

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    1. Thank you so much, Baker. Your assessment is right on target. It was so difficult to be honest about this. This was a time when Sam's love was what carried us through. I have to carry this lesson with me so that it is not repeated.

      Thank You From the Heart,
      Ella

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  3. So you are a real girl, Ella! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's incredibly hard when things go south with our biggest supporter. Eric often tells me, "Don't ring a bell that you can't unring." We've had numerous times when I complain about something he's done. He takes it to heart because he truly just wants to be there for me. Then I think he doesn't care or has given up because he's quiet. That's just him taking the time. Sam went along with the garage clean up but with every jab, if he is anything like Eric, he was analyzing himself. Suddenly, it becomes an issue between the couple. I'm glad Sam came through for you and took charge quickly. It was three days of silence before Eric came back to me during our last uncomfortable moment. Anyway, glad you are healthy and working on your retired life. There will be bumps, but you two have proven once again, you're in it for the long haul.
    Amy

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    1. I love your quote from Eric. Good god, I do not want to ring that bell again. It was cruel and undeserved. That feeling that Sam had taken charge again was a blessing that I will not forget.

      Hugs From Ella

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  4. Hi Ella, thank you so much for sharing this with us. I'm so sorry you went through this. It is hard when ttwd seems to go
    south and it's easy to think it doesn't mean as much to him. This shows that it is always there, even if in the background. I can understand Sam giving you time and am glad he took charge again quickly.

    So happy that you are feeling better and ready to enjoy retirement :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. You are so welcome, Roz. You have said it exactly. I was so afraid that ttwd did not mean as much to him anymore...that I did not mean as much to him. I felt like I walked all the way to bitch hell and back.

      Thanks for your tender care,
      Ella

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  5. Not that it matters much I suppose, but you aren't the first Dd wife, nor will you be the last that has said this or something similar to their husband. Not that that makes it 'right' The important thing is that you felt poorly about it after-not justified or self righteous.

    Thinking about it now, can you see how perhaps this was your subconscious coming out and telling Sam you needed him back? Granted, in a perfect world, we'd all just respectfully express ourselves, but when emotions and frustrations get involved, life is rarely perfect.

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    1. Whenever I receive a comment anonymously, I want to make my response as personal as one I would write to a reader who visited regularly. Your note today was so perceptive, and I want to thank you.

      I think you are dead right about my subconscious self reaching out. As I said, I am so far from perfect. But this lapse did teach me something. Hopefully I will not go there again.

      Loved this Note,
      Ella

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  6. Home projects are the worst environment for my mouth to spew venom. You are not alone in being mortified and ashamed of something you've said. So glad he brought you both back to where you need to be.

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    1. Maddy, just knowing that I am not the only one who has stepped so far away from who I want to be makes this mess a little easier to face. It took me so long to find the courage to press the "Publish" button on this one.

      Thanks so much,
      Ella

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  7. Thanks for sharing, I hate to admit, but I have been there also...and questioning if I had gone too far this time...but M reminds me...in His 'special way'...that He is here to stay....words I have heard often ...You guys have a special love story going...thanks for sharing it. hugs abby

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    1. Oh, Abby, you bring tears to my eyes tonight. I was so scared that I had gone too far. Thank goodness that there are strong men out there who love us in spite of ourselves. Thank you, friend.

      Hugs From Ella

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  8. Ella,
    As you have told me, one day you would write this post. The spanking sounds tough, but very important. Whenever we are way off track and somehow do not feel the essence of ttwd, a spanking will come and set things back to the way they are suppose to be.We have sure been right there. So happy that this hurdle was taken care of. You did a great job of telling your story here. We all think highly of you in every way. Questioning your Hoh leads to what happened at your house. Thank you for sharing.
    Love to you and you did a great job of sharing a difficult story.
    Meredith
    Meredith

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    1. Mere, sometimes I wonder what I could write to you that I have not already said. Maybe it is just the fact that you listen so well that makes the difference. Whatever magic you have, thanks for all the writing you inspire in me. It helps me see myself in a light that makes it possible to do better the next time.

      Sincerely From Ella

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  9. Thank you Ella for sharing this. I think we are all guilty of saying or doing the wrong thing to our men, which is so hurtful. We are only human and mess up at times. Sam has brought you both back to the place you need to be. So no more feeling guilty, lean into your man.
    Something about garages and men though, it may look messy to us, yet they know where everything is kept. That is their domain best left to their way of doing things.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. Lindy, your words are so kind. And true as well. TTWD isn't like it is in books. Sam cannot lift me up and carry me off into the sunset like some muscle-bound fictional hero. But he can certainly lift me up and help me believe in him and in us.

      You may be right. I will tread more lightly in the garage in the future. Sam has already told me that any further bossiness out there, will be taken care of post haste.

      Sending Hugs and Love Down Under,
      Ella

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  10. Hi Ella, :) In a perfect world, our fellas/wives/partners would be on top of all things, at all times. At the same time, we would do our part, in a similar manner. The truth is, it’s not possible. It’s called being human. In some ways, once we start to live with this dynamic, it can rock our world when the reactions that we think they should have, are not present every time. Those are big shoes to fill. This is where we should remember that once we brought this to the ones who love us the most. They came through for us,willing to meet our needs, even though it went against everything that they considered right and loving. It took time for them to understand. They did it to meet our needs because they loved us. So when those occasions occur, we should remember. I’m guessing that we have all had our moments. I know that I have.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It made me feel sad that you went through this situation. At the same time, we live, we learn, our love grows even stronger. Sam made his point and you moved on together. All is forgiven. The beauty of ttwd. We KNOW how to communicate and deal with tough times. We are lucky, aren’t we?
    Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes. The great thing is that we know how to not let it tear us apart. There is a whole lot of love going on at your place! That’s very special! Many hugs and lots of love,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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    1. Katie, there is always a glow to what you write, whether it is happy and funny or serious and sincere. There is so much truth in what you wrote to me here. It seems to me that it is so much easier to forgive the shortcomings of others than our own.

      I loved when you talked about the "big shoes" we have asked our men to fill. That could be a whole post in itself. It is time for me to put my disappointment in myself behind me. We can't walk forward while we only look back.

      The beauty of ttwd. Good god, my friend, we surely are lucky. In whatever you write or say, I always feel the kindness. Thanks so much for the understanding and support.

      Hugs and Love,
      Ella

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  11. I can certainly identify with this post Ella. When the frustration level, or the need becomes too great, things have a way of happening. I felt for both of you after reading your story and I think it was truly generous of you to share it. It reminds me that we are all works in progress, trying to be and do better. The sweet tool we have in ttwd helps us get there little by little. Your guy knows how to use it and is not going to let it, or you, go. That’s a good thing.

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    1. Your comment, Laurel, and the other comments on this post remind me of the lyrics of a song I love called "You Raise Me Up." I feel stronger from just knowing you all. From listening to the wisdom in your words. Or maybe it is ttwd that is able to raise me up to more than I could ever be without it. Thanks so much for your kind words.

      Hugs From Ella

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  12. Ella, that's one of the things I love about you, your honesty so I'm happy you shared this with us. Not one of us can say we are perfect and I'm sure all of us (well I know I have) have said things that we wished we never had. Just a bump in the road. It's in the past. You have a loving and strong relationship with your Sam.

    Love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. What a lovely thing to say, Ronnie. Honesty is easy when one is perfect, but very hard when one is not. Now I am glad I shared this, too. It really weighed heavily on me. Maybe Sam forgave me, but I don't think I had forgiven myself yet. You all gave me that. What a remarkable gift friendship is.

      Hugs and Love Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  13. You were afraid we wouldn't write? Are you kidding? Look, you were mean and bitchy. He was taking stock of the whole thing (without letting you in on what was going thru his head - and even if he did you wouldn't have listened), he gave you enough time and space to figure out some if not all of it, then did what was needed. Ahem. it's the story of ALL our lives!!!

    Only, you wrote it so beautifully and from the heart. *HUGS* and we all love you for writing it. I'm sure you're glad you did too! Now quit poking around in his messy space. Some things you just can't fix (they probably don't need fixing in the first place!).

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    1. Dear Fondles,
      I was first so high up in the bitchy clouds and then down so far in the ashamed basement. Think I have taken the elevator back to the ground floor now, and thank you for being there with all the others to help me know that. It took so long to write this, but I think it came out truthfully if you could recognize my heart in the words. Thanks for your good shake of my shoulders and then the hugs. It means a lot.

      Sincerely,
      Ella

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  14. I remember an incident that I did something to Ray that made me feel so terrible. I still think about it and the look on his face, it broke my heart. GLad things are back to normal for you and Sam.

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  15. Me, too, Sunny. You are right. I don't think I will ever forget the look on his face. That's a good thing, I think. Never want to go there again.

    Thanks and Love,
    Ella

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  16. You shared this with such heart and openness. You made a mistake and you apologized and your Sam gave you space and time and accepted that apology and showed you how much he loves you and you him. I don't think you need to worry about TTWD going away from your life. It is strong and special in your home. And you certainly don't need to worry about us - none of us are perfect.
    We all make mistakes. You are loved and treasured. Glad all is well again. Hugs

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    1. That was the most comforting part of this whole awful story, Terps. Just to know that ttwd could carry us through this with love and forgiveness, is the greatest gift. It is a powerful force in our relationship, and I am so thankful each and every day.

      Hugs From Ella

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  17. Aww sweet Ella...late to the party but after you mentioned this post on my blog, I had to come read. Haven't read all the comments so forgive me if I repeat. Things got a bit askew, you got out of hand, Sam set you and your relationship back in order...life is good. That is what I so love about TTWD is the tools to set things right so quickly and without damage. Hope you have totally forgiven yourself.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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