A Lie of Omission is Still a Lie

 

Right up front I want to tell you that I have been thinking about writing this post for quite a while.  Part of the reason it took so long could be blamed on the rush to finish up all the last minute holiday tasks - the cooking, baking, cleaning, decorating, yet another trip to the grocery store, wrapping, visiting neighbors, and an outing to see the light displays with family and friends.  Yeah, sure.  I was busy.  But the real truth of the matter as to why I was reluctant to put this in writing, is that I really messed up.  Not in just a little way.  In a big way.  It was hard to admit this to Sam, and it is hard to admit this to all of you.

For the last 2 years, Sam has helped me to reach a healthy weight and maintain it.  For those who may just be visiting my blog for the first time, let me reiterate that his attention to this as HOH was at my request only.  He could care less what I weigh.  It is me who cares.  I was a person who binged on certain foods, especially sweets.  Just pass me the M & Ms and no one will get hurt.

For years I struggled to lose weight and keep it off.  I would have a bit of success and then pile it all back on.  Spent a ton of money at Weight Watchers but never achieved the practical goals I set.  Spent a ton of time on self-loathing.  So Sam is my coach, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I have managed to stay at my goal weight for 2 years now.  That has never happened before in my whole adult life.    

It is definitely easier for me now.  I make most of the decisions about what am eating with never consulting Sam at all.  I think ahead so that I keep to just a good, healthy eating plan for most of my week, but know that I am eating whatever I want for a dinner out with friends or a large piece of cake.  Still, Sam and I go over my food journal regularly, and I show him my weigh-in record once or twice a month.  If I feel myself starting to crave something when I am already full or because everyone else is digging in, we have a plan for me to talk to, text, email, or phone Sam so that it doesn't slip into mindless eating.  Some nights he will ask me why I am wandering back into the kitchen after dinner.  There have been times when I fall from grace.  Sam usually says, "Talk to me or talk to Mr. Paddle."  This is good for me, and I like myself the next morning on the scale.

So the last week at work was chock full of food and parties and pot lucks and gifts of the chocolate kind.  Smooth sailing - never fell off the wagon all week.  Everyone was looking forward to a 2 week holiday!  On the final day of work for 2015, my doctor gave me a present of a small box of chocolates - maybe 15 pieces and very fancy ones.  I put them on the counter at home, and Sam had one.  It is better for me not to even start on stuff like that because I do not stick to just one or two.

I was in a joyous "no more work for 2 full weeks" mood!  The first night I got into the candy, I really did think about talking to Sam.  Then I convinced myself that was silly.  I could certainly handle this on my own.  Just lifted 3 or 4 out of the container and sort of spread out the other ones.  But the next night, it happened again; I was in full binge mode.  Pretty quickly the box was empty.  "OMG," I said to myself, "this is the 'old' me."  The one I hated.

Right then and there, I should have 'fessed up.  I knew if I did, there would probably be a spanking.  Funny thing about ttwd.  Yes, I do want to be spanked, and no, I do not want to be spanked right now.  A Jekyll and Hyde conundrum.  I buried the candy box with all the little gold paper cups deep under the other trash.  Boy, was this the old me!

As Sam spooned me that night at bedtime, he asked if I had gotten into the candy.  There was a pause that was just a second too long.  It was dark, and he couldn't see my face.  "Maybe 3 or 4," I said evasively.  By this time I was digging the hole deeper and deeper.  I convinced myself this was not a lie; indeed, I had eaten 3 or 4 (or 10 or 12.)  

The next afternoon we were putting on coats to head outdoors.  He asked me where the candy was.  I managed to dodge this one, too.  "Hon, please grab that bin of glass, and we'll stop at the recycling center on our way."  He fell for it, and now I was sinking in quicksand up to my chin.  I was also feeling extremely guilty.  Just because I hadn't actually "lied," did this omission really mean I was "lily-white?"  It most certainly did not.

Back from errands and Sam just stopped me cold, "Go get the box of candy."  I couldn't even speak.  I just turned and walked to the bedroom.  I have never, ever asked for a spanking before, but I just returned with the paddle in my hand.  When he saw it, he had a confused look on his face that quickly became stunned when he realized what had happened.

"You lied to me about X@%&* candy?!?"  I honestly don't remember what expletive he used, but his face could now be described as just plain pissed off.  I felt awful.  I am always honest.  I tell Sam if I mess up on anything we consider a rule even if he would never find out.

He was right.  How could I have let something so dumb as chocolate lead me down a path that included lies?  Truly felt ashamed.  Like there was a scarlet letter on my chest.



The spanking that followed was one for the record books.  First, with real anger and disappointment in his voice, I was told to take off all my clothes.  This doesn't usually happen, and he knows I just hate it.  I did not hesitate, but there were tears starting to well up in my eyes.  Even though I could not help making some noise, I was

not in any way protesting the fairness of this consequence.  As the strokes fell, Sam blasted me verbally as well.  The candy wasn't the issue.  It was the lie and the lack of honesty.  He found it totally unacceptable.  "We have never been dishonest with one another.  Never," he said.  The tears fell, and I apologized over and over again.

When Sam finally lifted me up to hold me, he whispered in my ear how it was OK now and how much he loved me.  I hugged him very tightly and just didn't want to let go.  There is no typical, witty Ella conclusion to this post.  I just held on until I was sure the connection was back.  There will always be another time that candy gets the best of me.  There will never be another time I don't admit it. 

 

Thinking Back and Looking Forward

 

At the close of the year, we tend to reflect on the past year and look ahead to the new one.  I think this is especially true for me this December.  Although Sam and I had been growing in our ttwd/dd relationship for quite a long while, it wasn't until March, 2015, that I finally plucked up my courage and wrote my "First Hello" to one of you.  I was so nervous that I let the email just sit on the monitor for almost 4 hours before I pressed "Send."

It was a giant step for Ella.  I had been an avid reader online for so long, and now I wanted to be a participant.  All the stories and posts had real people behind them!  I was both amazed and petrified.  Most of you know that Meredith was my mentor at first.  Lots of good advice and encouragement.  She soon urged me to think about a blog.  She held my virtual hand all the way through that and answered a hundred questions.  But like a good mother bird, she finally just pushed me out of the nest.  She knew I was ready to fly even if I did not. 

     "Keep it honest," she said, and I think of that with every post.   

                                   Dear, wise Meredith.

The writing came easily enough, and I found that I enjoyed sharing our ttwd experiences.  More importantly, I appreciated the feedback that followed in the comments.  I learned so much that way.  I started to meet other bloggers and found they were not scary at all!  They were silly and funny and sweet and kind.  I was so surprised at how much personality shone through in each blogger's writing.  Some posts were poignant or sad, some confused or frustrated, some were romantic or sexy, and some were delightfully humorous.  So I have loved following the ups and downs of others' relationships, too.

A special mention needs to be made to the authors whose books I have so enjoyed reading this year.  The characters and stories you create bring me satisfaction and many smiles. 

So a big thank you to all of you that have made me feel welcome this year.  A salute to new friends.  I feel very fortunate and wish you happiness and health for 2016.

                           Happy New Year, my friends!
                                 Love, Ella

Merry Christmas to All !

                         On this happy day, 
                        may all your family 
                      gather round with love.  

                       Enjoy the celebration 
                          on this holy day 
                             and have a                  

                       Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,
Sam and Ella

Making a List, Checking It Twice

 Back in October, Meredith had a post that included all the nice things she does for Jack and all the nice things he does for her.  I thought it was a lovely piece, and it set me thinking about the little things Sam and I do for one another.  How do we keep the love alive and fresh in this marriage of many years?  What are the thoughtful things we do to please each other?  Besides I do love to make lists!

Things I do for Sam

• Have his coffee ready when he gets up
• Read to him on car trips
• Make him buttermilk biscuits from scratch
• Iron his handkerchiefs
• Bring him something from the donut shop
• Clean the stove when he has made a mess
• Learn my WWII history so we can have discussions
• Send suggestive/dirty messages via mirror, text, and email
• Do kind things for his sister
• Learn to target shoot both pistol and rifle
• When planning trips, I choose places to see and things to do just for him
• Never ask him to dance in public
• Bring him presents for no reason
• Choose lingerie just for him

Things Sam does for me

• Greets me at the door
• Kisses and nuzzles my neck
• Takes out his "girl" for beer and hot pretzels
• Helps me with tech problems
• Tucks me in when I go to read in bed
• Scrapes my windshield on cold mornings
• Spoons me last thing at night
• Grills and smokes my favorite meats
  
• Tells me I am beautiful
• Is patient with my music choices
• Always helped with school projects
• Builds beautiful furniture
• Fixes almost everything!
• Massages my shoulders and hip
• Dances with me in our living room
• Opens doors for me
• Gives me "Just Because" spankings

It was very satisfying to get these all down on paper.  Sometimes we don't really stop to think how lucky we are.  I see so many couples, young and old, that do not seem connected or happy.  They rarely touch or smile at their partner.  That smile on Sam's face when he catches sight of me is worth more than any present he could buy me.  And he absolutely loves when I laugh or giggle.  When he pushes me up against the wall and gives me long, slow kisses, I truly feel like Ella Ever After.  Our own happy ending.

"Across my Knee" Why Do the "Words" Matter So Much?

Along with a myriad of other things I do not and may never understand about my need for spanking and for Sam to be the one in charge, I wonder so often why his choice of words is so important.  At least to me.  I do not know for sure, but I suspect that many of us crave those words.  Otherwise, why would all the spanking romances we read give us back all those lovely, little words at just the right moments.  And why would all those lovely, little words wake up that spot between my legs and make me ache for Sam's touch.

We all know, much to our dismay at times, that the man we love just never got the same memo we did on "the words."  You know what I am talking about.  The words said by all the Matt Wellmans and Trevor Conrads and the Jason Sandersons in all the happy Kindle stories I love to tuck into before I nod off for the night.  They are not real guys, I know, but they sure as hell know "the words."


I'm fairly sure Sam is not the exception here.  I could read that man of mine all the pretty words that the women in those spanking books say ad

infinitum and am confident that he would just look at me sideways and say, "So?  What's your point?"  My man absolutely prefers a pretty picture over pretty words.  Give him just plain old me in a little black lace thing kneeling in front of him, and he could care less what words I say.  Sam's a visual guy.



But I so love "the words."

"My girl" and "over my knee" and peppered her bottom with spanks" and "won't sit down for a week" and "pinned her legs so she couldn't fuss."  Then, of course, there is just the the straight forward, "Go get the paddle" and "Bend over."  Yes, these words and many, many more fill me with both dread and joy at the same time.

Several days ago while showing off a new pair of shoes to Sam just as he was trying to get the Christmas tree up straight, I was tripped up by one of our dogs who was quite interested in both the shoes and the tree.  Once I picked myself up off the floor, I was certain that I was going to be quite sore later.  So right.  Sam is excellent at massaging my tender hip when it acts up, and he promised he would tend to it later.

However, this massage puts me in a very vulnerable position on the bed.  Once the hip starts to feel better because of his attention, it leads to my giggling and teasing.  Then the domino effect leads

Sam to teach me a lesson, and you all know where that can lead to!  He grabbed a paddle and took off with it on the rather fleshy part of the hip region.  The giggles retreated rather quickly and were replaced by a litany of ouches and sorrys.  As soon as Sam finished "tending" to my needs, he told me to, "Stand up," in a very commanding tone.  I was wary and obeyed slowly.  

"Why," I asked suspiciously.

"Because I want to hold your pretty pink bottom," he said.

Oh, my.  (Insert sigh here.) Now those are some lovely, little words.

So tell me, friends, what are some of the words you love to read and, if you are a lucky woman, to hear that man of yours say?  

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza!

This is my first year joining in the Cookie Exchange.  What a wonderful idea!  Thanks to Jz for organizing this event.

Have made some of my cookie recipes since my kids were little.  I only discovered Sweetie Pies about 10 or 12 years ago.  They

quickly went to the top of the chart with our family, friends, and neighbors.  These are also the favorite of my husband, Sam.  He eats them off the counter before they can even cool.  He has also been known to hoard these so that there are some left after the Christmas holidays.  

Sweetie Pies

2 ounces unsweetened chocolate

4 ounces semisweet chocolate chips (about 3/4 cup)

1 stick salted butter, softened (1/2 cup)

1 cup granulated sugar

2 large eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 and 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

6 ounces semisweet chocolate chips (about 1 cup)

3 ounces white chocolate chips (1/2 cup)

1 and 1/2 ounces milk chocolate chips (about 1/4 cup)

Yield: About 2 and 1/2 dozen  (I always double this recipe!)

• Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.  Line cookie sheets with wax paper.
• In the microwave, melt the unsweetened chocolate and the first batch of chocolate chips.  Stir frequently with wooden spoon or wire whisk until creamy and smooth.
• Pour melted chocolate into a large bowl.  Add butter and beat until thoroughly combined.
• Add the sugar, eggs, and vanilla.  Beat again until well blended.  Scrape down sides of bowl.
• Add the flour and the 3 types of chocolate chips.  Mix until just combined.  Chips should be distributed equally throughout the dough.
• Roll a heaping tablespoon of dough into a ball, about 1.5 inches in diameter.  Place dough balls onto paper-lined pans, 2 inches apart.  With the palm of your hand, flatten each ball to 1/2 inch thickness.
• Bake for 10 to 12 minutes.  Transfer cookies with a spatula to a cool, flat surface.  I stay closer to 10 minutes because they continue to firm up on the counter.
• Make yourself a cup of coffee and enjoy!

 

I am looking forward to finding some new cookie recipes this week.  Thanks to all who participated.

And, of course, Have a Merry Little Christmas!

Other Cookie Exchange Participants

Ella's Holiday Bookshelf - Rocky Mountain Christmas

Rocky Mountain Christmas

Aah, Christmas is coming soon, and I have a whole box of favorite Christmas books.  I pull it out when we are hunting for the boxes of ornaments and decorations.  There are a few books from my childhood and then many more from when our boys were young.  They all hold lovely memories.  Many of them I brought to school when I was still teaching to share with my students.  One special book of ours had no words.  It was illustrated in a comic book format and was wonderful before my kids could read.  They would

Love this Book!

"read" it to me and tell me the story of Father Christmas by Raymond Briggs.  I am betting that our "Across the Pond" readers will know this book well.  Great present for young grands on your list.

But if you are in the mood for a more grown-up Christmas story, with a little bit of spanking action for good measure, then look no further than our own Sunny.  Her 2 story edition titled Rocky Mountain Christmas just came out a few weeks ago, and, of course, it is on Ella's bookshelf.  I chose to write about the 2nd in this pair of stories.  Christmas and Cowboys!  What's not to love?

Title: Rocky Mountain Christmas

Author: Leigh Smith

Story 1 - The Christmas Cowboy
Story 2 - Christmas in Montana 

Number of Pages: 87

Setting: Winter on a Montana ranch

Themes: Small Town Christmas, Being True to Yourself, Mending Family Fences 

Main Characters:

• Mary Jo Blanton - independent and free-thinking daughter of an influential, society-minded woman.

•  Wes Parker - rancher and owner of Piney Woods Camp in the Montana high country.

• Gran - Mary Jo's loving and practical grandmother.

• Eleanor Blanton - Mary Jo's bossy, domineering mother.

• Franklin Tyler Howard - Mary Jo's fiance - wealthy son of a business colleague.

This story actually starts in California, far from the high country of Montana.  Mary Jo is an independent young woman who is determined that her mother will not run her life or dictate her future.  Eleanor has arranged a "suitable" marriage for her daughter to Franklin Howard.  Mary Jo is not in love with him and calls the

upcoming union "more of a merger than a marriage."  She decides to derail this plan by leaving home right before Christmas  and enlists the help of her dear grandmother.  At Gran's house, a friend puts Mary Jo in contact with her nephew, Wes Parker, owner and rancher of the Piney Woods Camp in Barlow, Montana.  Mary Jo does make calls to her mother and to Franklin so they will know her decision and not worry about her safety.



When Mary Jo arrives in Montana, just before Christmas, she meets Wes Parker and is reminded of the Paul Bunyan of legend.  Piney Woods Camp has a huge U-shaped lodge as well as rental cabins.  She knows she is out in the wilderness when she hears elk bugling next morning.  Elks bugle when searching for a mate, and I like how this foretells the attraction that Mary Jo and Wes develop for each other.  She says, "it was as if he had a magnet - and kept drawing me in!"

Wes asks her if she wants to accompany him up the mountain on horseback.  Mary Jo soon discovers that not listening will earn her a very uncomfortable spanking.  This whole section of the story with these 2 people getting to know each other reminds me of a kind of dance between them.  Both are attracted but just circling.

When they both finally give into this attraction, it is a charged occasion and very passionate.  Mary Jo finds that spanking can be sensual, too.  I love when our hero tells her what to do during sex, but maybe that is just my kink.

As Christmas approaches in Barlow, Mary Jo is happy and looking forward to celebrating it with a small town flavor.  She learns more about Wes and helps him to truly enjoy this Christmas and put

things right with his family.  There is even a Christmas spanking to bring them closer.  I really liked that this story wasn't just a trite holiday tale with chestnuts roasting on an open fire.  It had some substance on its own.  The Epilogue at the end of this story is like an extra little Christmas present from Sunny. 

Thanks, Sunny!