Jan had a very serious post this week that really touched my heart, but gave me so much to think about, too. Although the reader response did not really surprise me, there was such a surge of thoughtful comments and support from the rank and file. Everyone was quick to offer "tea and sympathy," but each comment was unique and individual. The grand total of wisdom and emotion that was shared was immense!
I am not going to repeat what our English Rose wrote, but I urge you to visit her if you have not read her post. She is reaching out
and trying to sort through so many feelings. I think she understands how much we do care.
Just Wednesday night at a nearby hospital, I participated in a focus group that was assembled to discuss our recent surgeries. The group was all women, and we sat around a large table. Even though we were all strangers, it was amazing how personal and honest the stories were when responding to the discussion starters. There was a sense of community, because we all shared a common experience.
Then early Thursday morning when I was drinking coffee and visiting blogfriends, I came across Jan's post. As I read, the tears started and my heart went out to her. She was so shattered, and yet trying to say it wasn't that important. The comments from her friends were just as moving and revealing as her post. I felt again like I was part of a circle of women. We were from many different places on the map, but we were all sitting around the same table listening and sharing. Again I sensed that feeling of community, because of our common experience.
When I think of all that it took for me to finally tell Sam about what I needed, the merest hint that it was a game would be enough to cut me to ribbons. And that has happened to some degree twice that I remember. Perhaps we think or at least hope that our men can eventually see things through our eyes, but I don't think they can. The need for him to be the leader and the protector doesn't fit into any nice, neat box. In our minds and hearts, there is not always the separation of "real life" and "ttwd." This need of ours crosses back and forth over that line a hundred times a day.
Jan's words reflected her anguish and mistrust. I think she felt betrayed and so many of the comments acknowledged that. In my mind I made a comparison; I thought about being naked and having my husband laugh at me. I would be devastated by something like that. But trusting our men with this special need of ours is essentially being naked.
I do not remember which one of you once said that we are "wired this way." But it is true, I think. And Sam is not wired that way. He has become my HOH out of love and caring. He makes mistakes. Every time we talk about this ttwd he understands a little bit better. I used to tell my students that I could not unscrew the tops of their heads and pour in all the knowledge. They had to meet me half way. As long as Sam will meet me half way, I think we will continue to grow with ttwd. He will never be perfect and neither will I. I have to be willing to bare my soul and forgive.
What a wonderful circle of women I have come to know.