Dear Abby,
I am writing you today for some advice about an incident that happened between my husband and I a while ago. First, let me explain that my husband, Sam, and I have been in a "this thing we do" relationship for the last 3 years. You may also be familiar with it as a lifestyle choice called "domestic discipline." Basically, this is when the couple, by mutual consent, agrees to have the husband act as head of the household (HOH), and he has the final say in decisions for the good of both partners. The wife's role is to follow and support her husband. If ttwd is really working, the relationship thrives and both husband and wife experience benefits. If the husband finds that his wife is not acting in accordance with his expectations, he has the wife's consent to issue consequences that may include spanking.
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| This one is for Meredith and Jack |
Sam and I have been very happy with our choice to make this part of our marriage. We are not perfect. As much as I want ttwd as a foundation for our love for each other, I fall from grace more often than I would like. Sam agreed to ttwd at my request, and he is very happy with the results. It was not a natural tendency for him, though, and he stumbles occasionally in his leadership role.
Abby, I know you have advised many couples over the years and hope you can offer some wise thoughts on this matter. What happened between us that night had some humorous aspects and one that very much disturbed me.
Sam and I had an appointment with a lawyer the following day, and he told me to make sure I had the needed documents with me. Now, I am usually the one who has trouble with short-term memory, so I hesitated and thought before I said, "Nope, you didn't give me anything."
"Yes, I did. Don't you remember? I showed them to you the other night, and we talked about them," Sam shot back, voice escalating a bit.
Again, I paused and thought, "Did he give them to me?" But no, he had not. Meanwhile he was looking through another file, but they were not there either.
"Hon, you did not give them to me," and now I sounded impatient, too.
Sam insisted it was my fault and went off into his office to rustle around. I rolled my eyes (just to myself.) I may have the poor memory, but Sam is not a tidy man. My bet was that he had buried the documents under a pile of other stuff. Soon he came back into the dining room and dropped the blue folder for the lawyer on the table.
"See, it was not my fault. Where were they?" I asked.
"In the desk compartment," he mumbled.
Now any altercation that followed could have been avoided at this very minute......
IF
- Sam had said he was sorry.
- I had made a joke about us both having had a senior moment.
Neither happened. Sam has never liked admitting to an error. In fact, it has been a bone of contention between us many times in our marriage. It has always pissed me off, and this time was no exception. Sam ignored me and walked away.
No apology yet, even though it was his mistake.
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| Love Means You Damn Well Should Say You Are Sorry! |
I grit my teeth, roughly pushed in the chair, and started down the hall. By the time I hit the bedroom, I was seething. I even thought about what might happen and slammed the door anyway.
1.....2.....3..... the door flew open and Sam took my wrist. "Let's go," he said. "You should not have slammed the door."
"It's not my fault! You're the one who made a mistake. All you had to do was to say you were sorry."
"Doesn't matter. Now, we are talking about your anger and slamming the door."
And, boy, I was surely mad. I can only remember one other spanking in 3 years where I was still trying to argue my point at the same time Sam was taking a paddle to my ass. It was a long damn spanking, and it wasn't until the pain actually brought me back to center that I finally shut up.
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| Talk To Mr Paddle |
Most times, the hugging when we finish a discipline spanking is nice, and we reconnect fairly quickly. Not this time. (I hate the word "aftercare" anyway.) Sam just pulled me onto his lap and held me close. It took a long while before I was hugging back. He talked to me gently and made me feel loved and forgiven. Time to move on. And, yes, the apology finally came.
Am reaching out here, Abby. I need some advice. When I read books or other peoples' blogs, the husband is pretty much always the perfect HOH. He wouldn't make a mistake, never mind not apologizing. One little "Sorry" would have wiped everything away. This never would have happened.
OK, no more of the Abby pretense.
She wouldn't know anyway.
Who I am really asking is all of you. I do honestly know my temper escalates the situation. It was really hard for me to be perfectly honest about my own actions in this post. But don't any of your husbands have a fault that makes it hard to think, "my HOH" always knows best?
Has there ever been a time when your
spouse's shortcomings precipitate an altercation?
I really need to know I'm not alone here.
I wanted to be 'Dear Abby' when I grew up (if I ever decide to grow up), so I'll jump right in. Of course you are not alone. The only perfect HOH come in books, not in the real world. I think we could each give you several examples from our real lives to prove this. In fact over the year I know I have. If you are completely over this - great. If not, if it still really bugs you, pick a quiet calm time to talk with him about it and tell him how much a simple apology when he is clearly in the wrong means to you.
ReplyDeleteYes, we are well over this, PK, but I have learned some things from all the comments today. Please don't ever grow up; you might not choose me as a friend then.
DeleteHugs From Ella
Hi Ella, you are definitely not alone, I'm with PK, the only perfect HoH is in books. Agree too that we can probably all give examples, I know I can.
ReplyDeleteWe are all human and mistakes are made from time to time, it's how we handle the mistake and move forward that matters ... and ttwd gives us tools to do so.
Hugs
Roz
You are wise, Roz. Before ttwd, this kind of hurt feelings and anger would fester for a long time. There was no way back.
DeleteI do have to remember that this everything does not have to have an Ever After.
Ella
Oh Ella...you are definitely not alone. Neither my ex nor Matthew were perfect. Sometimes they were definitely in the wrong but didn't admit it. Hopefully you both learned from this incident and won't repeat the same mistakes. Happy all's well now.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings...Cat
They say that all's well that ends well. This was something that prompted us to talk as well as spank. Do not want to repeat this mistake.
DeleteThanks, Cat
Ella,
ReplyDeleteI love the Dear Abby frame here. Because we have spoken and written to one another about all this, you know we each come to situations like this with the same need to hear the apology. In September of this year, I wrote a post about an Hoh mistake and how we made our way through it despite how tough it was. You and Sam found a way. These guys are not perfect and they need help as do we. If it is still bothering you, talk again and let him know without any slamming of doors what still bothers you. We have all been right there.
Meredith
Meredith, that post of yours really made me think. This piece was very hard to write because I was not proud of how either of us handled this situation. Don't know how many times I think of your words to me, "Stay Honest." It helps to put something like this behind me when I write about it. We are back on the same road again.
DeleteElla
Hi Ella, nobody is perfect. Ignore all the people whose blogs say their husbands are perfect hohs. They are almost certainly fibbing, either to themselves or us! You and I read too many books sweetie, we sometimes expect too much. In this case Sam was wrong, the next time who knows it may be you. Best you can do is plod on, hug
ReplyDeletelove Jan, xx
Yes, Jan, just because ttwd makes me so happy, does not mean life is a fairy tale. I need to take off the rose-colored glasses every once in a while and remember that we are only human.
DeleteThanks for the hug, Jan!
You are definitely not alone. None of us or our men are perfect. That's only for books.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if you are over this yet or not, if not, maybe you need to speak with Sam and tell him how you felt, If you are, then I'm happy and you have moved on.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
Thanks, Ronnie. We are definitely over this now, and perhaps we will both avoid the same mistake again. I love to joke with Sam that I am "Practically Perfect in Every Way" but need to remember that sometimes I am just a perfect ass and so is he!
DeleteLove,
Ella
You are so not alone....trust me....I now get asked, do you really want to go down that road?..If I continue, it will lead to a spanking. hugs abby
ReplyDeleteThe nicest part of writing this post, Abby, was knowing that I was not alone.
DeleteHugs From Ella
Ella,
ReplyDeleteToo new to say much here, but I can say that it sounds like we all have been in the same situation as you. You are not alone in wanting an apology and feeling angry for not receiving one. I'm with the others, if it's still bothering you talk it out. I'm not sure how many times everyone has reiterated to me to communicate to my man how I'm feeling.
--Baker
Ah, yes, the communication. That's where we both fell down. Funny that Cat had a post that included that, too.
DeleteElla
Ella - you're not out there alone. Ray also is 'perfect', never wrong
ReplyDelete(I wish) but it drives me crazy. I'm not as volatile as you, but I have my moments when I'd love to do bodily harm to him. Here too, most of our disagreements are over this very thing. Can't offer any advice but I'll read the comments and see if anyone else has any.
I don't hold out much hope that anything will change though - not after 45 years. lol
Thanks so much, Sunny. Not because you are in the same boat many times, but because you deal with it without the anger component. There were some great comments here, too.
DeleteElla Missing You
Hi Ella, :) Oh gosh, I am sorry that you had this tough time with your Sam. You know, it is exactly as you say- not one of us is perfect. I make plenty of mistakes, and so does Rob.
ReplyDeleteI think because of the HoH/leader role that Rob upholds, at times, when he does do something that hurts my feelings, or is upsetting, it is all the more unsettling. The other part of this is, because of our ttwd dynamic, when these events occur, it often ends with me over Rob's knee, because I hung onto my feelings, instead of being forgiving. With that, I have to admit that I do feel better after a good spanking- relieved of some of the angst and frustration. It is all kind of complicated! I tend to look at it as "Taking it for the Team"!
Speaking of which (Meredith, if you are reading here, I hear you cheering and saying, "FINALLY"!), I wrote a post about this very thing, a few months back. I never finished it. It sits in my drafts. I will now work on that, and get it up there. It is a good one to think about.
If you are in the mood to read, there are a couple of posts that could be food for thought. One is the Spanked for Water Under the Bridge, the other is the Unwanted spanking. Both of these were times, as I recall, that I reacted to Rob doing something, and ended up OTK. Just my experiences, but maybe something in there would help.
The only other thing that I can think of is that I always tell Rob, immediately, if he has hurt my feelings. It is something that I started doing some time ago, and it is helpful in warding off small things, snowballing... at times. Not all the time, but there is something to that, I think. "Tell him how you feel/what you need" got me to that.
I loved your beautifully written post! I used to love reading Dear Abby! It is always a pleasure to read here. I hope that you are feeling much better about things. Sounded like a nice ending to a hard time. We may not lead storybook lives, but we can have many happy endings, for sure! Many hugs and love,
<3 Katie
What I forgot to add in the second paragraph is important I think. It should read like this:
DeleteThe other part of this is, because of our ttwd dynamic, when these events occur, it often ends with me over Rob's knee, because I hung onto my feelings, instead of being forgiving. It doesn't exactly seem fair, does it? With that...
Katie T, there are so many strong points in your comments above. Thank you! Thank you! I do hang onto my feelings, and the idea of taking one for the team is probably the best description I have ever heard. Sometimes that is very hard to explain.
DeleteI surely will read those 2 posts. I may have done that long ago, but I do not remember.
The best thing of all is that you always say if he has hurt your feelings. If there is only one thing I take away from this, it would be to speak about it immediately.
Who Needs Dear Abby
Oh Ella,
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the toughest things about ttwd, or any power exchange dynamic. You are so not alone.
Mine isn't perfect, oh gods no but it doesn't change the fact that he is the one in charge...once upon a time I gave over the power to him. He can be a complete arse, but he is still in charge. He can be wrong and yet I still answer to him.
Pride is a thing and I try to keep his intact.
Even, if that means giving up how right I feel about something. So I would have said, "I don't remember if you gave me the documents. We really need to find them. Can we look in your office to make sure?"
I wouldn't have said, "See, it was not my fault", because if I said something like that, it doesn't let the issue be solved--that would get his back up or lead us further into an argument about who is in the right.
It took me eons to get to that point though.
*hugs*
Of all the advice I received with this post, I think yours was the one that touched me, Bleue. It also made me feel ashamed that I handled it the way I did. I was a mom and a teacher, and I was always very conscious of the way I spoke to my children and students. How to diffuse a situation. Yet, I did not afford Sam that same respect. I was too busy being right. No one, including me, likes an "I told you so."
DeleteYou give me something to strive for the next time something like this happens. I am sending a sincere thank you for your wisdom here.
Hugs From Ella
Oh for goodness sake, OF COURSE it's sometimes a shortcoming of HIS that sets things in motion, makes things go sideways, however you want to say it. I hope I don't present Nash as perfect. He's certainly not. And of course neither am I.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better now. If not, then perhaps a conversation is in order? I would suggest approaching in a calm, concerned manner rather than an angry, upset one. Hard to do in the moment, but usually easier if some time has passed. Perhaps you've already done that though.
(((hugs)))
We have worked this through, Lilli, but I learned a lot from the advice here. I am thinking a post about my temper is percolating, too. It is something that I need to examine and improve on. Being right is not the point here.
DeleteHugs Back to You!
Ella
I'm late reading here Ella and am glad to know this is behind you now.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs, Rosie xx
Thanks, Rosie Girl. I, too, am glad this is behind us. Sam is always more patient than I am. As Cat would say, "Good Gravy!" Such a little thing to cause such a fuss. I can do better.
DeleteHugs Across the Pond,
Ella
I am not going to read anyone's responses before saying..... my Scotsman is ABSOLUTELY not perfect. I am not either. However I have often wanted an apology immediately when I feel he was wrong about something. Often I push. I usually will get an apology later from my guy. However I may create more problems with my pushing!
ReplyDeleteWe are imperfect and remember all the blogs and stories add and subtract what they want!
Hope all is well?!
All is well, Minelle. Thank you for your comment. I had to giggle at the ABSOLUTELY. The problem was, indeed, my pushing. It was very difficult for me to write this piece because by the time I calmed down, it was pretty easy to see how bitchy my reaction was. It helps to know that others face the same challenges. I do love that man of mine, and my temper just gets in the way of showing that.
DeleteLove,
Ella
I love your post because it shows that real life, especially in a ttwd lifestyle. Obviously, you were right but I guess you may have overreacted. Anyway, glad you have worked everything out and good luck going forward.
ReplyDeleteFD
Thank you so much for your comment, FD. I was not proud of how either of us handled this little mess, but am determined I can do better. This is not the person I strive to be.
DeleteElla
I am so glad that you wrote about this. Probably many of us have similar thoughts but never say them out loud. My husband has a terrible time apologizing. It sparks my anger and I have a real hard time accepting a spanking when I am mad at him because he did something wrong first. I think that in a relationship like ours, we are both accountable to each other in a way. An apology is his way of accepting responsibility and proving to me that I can respect him. I think that the situation you described could have happened here in my household within the last month. Thanks for being honest and sharing.
ReplyDeleteGosh, Blondie, thank you for your vote of confidence. I always think to myself that if the tables were turned and I had made the same error, the first thing out of my mouth would be, "Honey, I am so sorry. Duh! My fault." It was tough to be honest 'cause I really did sound and act like a bitch. Hope to handle it better next time. I had lots of good advice!
ReplyDeleteElla