I am writing you today for some advice about an incident that happened between my husband and I a while ago. First, let me explain that my husband, Sam, and I have been in a "this thing we do" relationship for the last 3 years. You may also be familiar with it as a lifestyle choice called "domestic discipline." Basically, this is when the couple, by mutual consent, agrees to have the husband act as head of the household (HOH), and he has the final say in decisions for the good of both partners. The wife's role is to follow and support her husband. If ttwd is really working, the relationship thrives and both husband and wife experience benefits. If the husband finds that his wife is not acting in accordance with his expectations, he has the wife's consent to issue consequences that may include spanking.
|This one is for Meredith and Jack|
Sam and I have been very happy with our choice to make this part of our marriage. We are not perfect. As much as I want ttwd as a foundation for our love for each other, I fall from grace more often than I would like. Sam agreed to ttwd at my request, and he is very happy with the results. It was not a natural tendency for him, though, and he stumbles occasionally in his leadership role.
Abby, I know you have advised many couples over the years and hope you can offer some wise thoughts on this matter. What happened between us that night had some humorous aspects and one that very much disturbed me.
Sam and I had an appointment with a lawyer the following day, and he told me to make sure I had the needed documents with me. Now, I am usually the one who has trouble with short-term memory, so I hesitated and thought before I said, "Nope, you didn't give me anything."
"Yes, I did. Don't you remember? I showed them to you the other night, and we talked about them," Sam shot back, voice escalating a bit.
Again, I paused and thought, "Did he give them to me?" But no, he had not. Meanwhile he was looking through another file, but they were not there either.
"Hon, you did not give them to me," and now I sounded impatient, too.
Sam insisted it was my fault and went off into his office to rustle around. I rolled my eyes (just to myself.) I may have the poor memory, but Sam is not a tidy man. My bet was that he had buried the documents under a pile of other stuff. Soon he came back into the dining room and dropped the blue folder for the lawyer on the table.
"See, it was not my fault. Where were they?" I asked.
"In the desk compartment," he mumbled.
Now any altercation that followed could have been avoided at this very minute......
- Sam had said he was sorry.
- I had made a joke about us both having had a senior moment.
Neither happened. Sam has never liked admitting to an error. In fact, it has been a bone of contention between us many times in our marriage. It has always pissed me off, and this time was no exception. Sam ignored me and walked away.
No apology yet, even though it was his mistake.
|Love Means You Damn Well Should Say You Are Sorry!|
I grit my teeth, roughly pushed in the chair, and started down the hall. By the time I hit the bedroom, I was seething. I even thought about what might happen and slammed the door anyway.
1.....2.....3..... the door flew open and Sam took my wrist. "Let's go," he said. "You should not have slammed the door."
"It's not my fault! You're the one who made a mistake. All you had to do was to say you were sorry."
"Doesn't matter. Now, we are talking about your anger and slamming the door."
And, boy, I was surely mad. I can only remember one other spanking in 3 years where I was still trying to argue my point at the same time Sam was taking a paddle to my ass. It was a long damn spanking, and it wasn't until the pain actually brought me back to center that I finally shut up.
|Talk To Mr Paddle|
Most times, the hugging when we finish a discipline spanking is nice, and we reconnect fairly quickly. Not this time. (I hate the word "aftercare" anyway.) Sam just pulled me onto his lap and held me close. It took a long while before I was hugging back. He talked to me gently and made me feel loved and forgiven. Time to move on. And, yes, the apology finally came.
Am reaching out here, Abby. I need some advice. When I read books or other peoples' blogs, the husband is pretty much always the perfect HOH. He wouldn't make a mistake, never mind not apologizing. One little "Sorry" would have wiped everything away. This never would have happened.
OK, no more of the Abby pretense.
She wouldn't know anyway.
Who I am really asking is all of you. I do honestly know my temper escalates the situation. It was really hard for me to be perfectly honest about my own actions in this post. But don't any of your husbands have a fault that makes it hard to think, "my HOH" always knows best?
Has there ever been a time when your
spouse's shortcomings precipitate an altercation?
I really need to know I'm not alone here.