Thursday, November 3, 2016

Lost and Found

Note:  This post is quite old and was almost forgotten. 
One of you recently wrote something that brought it back to mind.



One of the things I so appreciate about ttwd is that whether it is a bitchy attitude or a major blunder, a spanking usually clears the air.  The transgression is forgiven and forgotten.  The spanking sets the relationship back on track, and forges the connection anew.  Stress, anger, and hurt are left behind.  This is the way it's supposed to work.  When it doesn't work the way it should, it is a bit like being thrown back into the figurative Dark Ages of our marriage.




I remember Ami giving herself the name "Bitch Troll" when she got caught in the vortex of stress, exhaustion, impatience, and bossiness.  Always thought that was a very fitting description.  I could picture a really malevolent, wicked crone crawling out from under a bridge to rip someone apart.  That was pretty much what I was like last Wednesday night.  It only took that "last straw" to set me off like a firecracker.



 

As soon as it happened, I knew I had lost control.  Knew that I was sorry and even worse, ashamed.  I stood there a minute hating myself and knowing this would probably not end on a happy note.  As I waited for the ax to fall, that little Dr. Jekyll part of me whispered, "You need this."  But the Mr. Hyde part of me answered, "But I don't want it right now."


Well, that little internal discussion didn't really matter because Sam seemed not to have noticed.  He didn't frown or question me about the outburst at all.  He didn't say, "We will discuss this later."  He didn't seem angry; he just sat down at his computer and went on with what he was doing.  He didn't seem to care.


Being Ignored


My temper is much less of a problem than before ttwd, but it always simmers below the surface.  I do control it so much better now, and that is something that makes me feel both safe and proud.  In the past, if I was frustrated or unhappy about something in our relationship or our lives, the temper could rear its ugly head like some Kraken rising up out of the sea.  It never solved an issue between Sam and I and most often just caused us to feel farther apart.




If there had been a spanking right then, it would have been SO over, but Sam did not.  It was like the connection between us had been cut in two.  I felt lost at sea.  I pulled away and when Sam asked me what was wrong, I couldn't even talk about it.  My theory was that we have been doing this long enough and that he knew damn well what was bothering me.  And if he didn't, well, then screw him.  I was polite but very quiet and hurt.






This went on for 2 full days, and I felt sad and adrift.  Like my anchor was gone.  On Friday night, Sam asked me to sit with him in the living room and talk.  I still didn't think there was that much to say and remained silent.  Finally he extended  his hand palm up for me to take, almost like he was asking me to dance.  He helped
me up, undid my pants himself and put me over his lap.  It was awkward, though, because all of the comfy chairs have arms.  He soon just bent me over the chair with my knees on the floor and started to spank with his hand.  Knew I would cry.  I had held it inside for so long and the tears were a blessed release.  I think he understood that this spanking had to go way past where we were, and when I felt his belt across my bottom, it also felt like he was pulling me back to him.  I cried so hard and I started to let go of all
the feelings I had kept bottled up.  He has never spanked me like that with a belt.  It was cathartic and everything I needed.  When he finally stopped and pulled me up to him, I was back to being me.  The connection was back, and he held me close for a very long time.  I had cried so hard that I ended up wiping my eyes and nose on his shirt.  Gross, but true.




And so besides being quite sore, I felt about 200% better.  With ttwd, Sam is my rescue at sea.  He sails in when I am lost and throws out a life preserver.  He pulls me back from all the sea monsters I myself create.  He's my safety net, and captains our ship.  Neither one of us is perfect.  Sam is still learning to lead, and I am still learning to follow. 

Just recently Sam made a thoughtful comment while we were talking seriously together.  He said he did not ever want things to "change" from where we are now in our marriage.  He did not want to go back to those Dark Ages.  They honestly were not horrible times.  We just didn't know that it was possible for them to be any better.  For us to feel so incredibly happy and fulfilled.  

                               So the learning curve is never over.  

                                  Every day we recommit to ttwd.  

                              And every day it keeps getting better.




25 comments:

  1. Good Morning, Ella,
    I would have to say this is such a beautiful written post. I will show it to my man today. He, like Sam, gets it, but there are sometimes they do not realize their words can send us into a spiral or ignoring the outburst can be so much worse than just tackling the situation head on. I love how you say that "every day we recommitt to ttwd, and every day keeps getting better". That is so very true. Thank you for inspiring me again.

    --Baker

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    1. Baker,
      I love having you visit. This is a very nice little corner of blogland and hope you feel welcome. It is wonderful to know that something I write touches and inspires someone.

      Big Thank You From Ella

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  2. Hi Ella, I think this happens to so many of us, it's such a relief when they catch us up and deal with it
    love Jan, xx

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    Replies
    1. Jan,
      It was actually a recent post of yours, dear friend, that made me think that I had never published this one. Don't know why we are the way we are, but a spanking puts things to rights and makes us feel loved.

      Hugs Across the Pond

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    2. Glad I could be of service Ella, xx

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  3. I am so glad you found this and posted it. I have been feeling a little 'lost' the last couple of days....needing to be pulled back into where I feel safe...this morning I was told..get ready for a 'leash shortening'...Those 'dark ages' happen to everyone...how lucky for those of us who know how to find the light once again.
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. Abby, it really helps to know that this feeling happens to others. It is so easy for me to feel like we are not very good at this. That somehow I am lacking. Love your description of "leash shortening." We wander off and the connection isn't as strong.

      Hugs From Ella

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  4. Replies
    1. You are lovely, too, Sunny. Sometimes one word is just perfect. :) Who knew "Girly Girl" had such a temper!

      Hugs,
      Ella

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  5. Ella,
    When we think we are in a fog of confusing, our men are clear thinking and they do know what to do. It is that distancing we do that brings things back to our roles every time. Like Sam, Jack will only let things go for so long and then the whole world stops as he takes care of things, namely my bottom which is connected directly to my heart and attitude. Great post!
    Meredith
    PS I should check my own archives. Buried posts can easily be dusted off.

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    Replies
    1. Meredith,
      I like the "fog" descriptive and wish I had thought to use that in this piece. The world does stop for a moment when a spanking like this happens. It is just you and him and the belt.

      This post was never published before. I wrote it during the summer and never posted it. Jan said something that made me think to find it.

      Ella Missing You

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  6. Lovely post Ella. Happens to many of us.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Thanks, Ronnie,

      Sometimes it is very hard to admit my temper. Trust me, Kraken may not be a strong enough description.

      Love,
      Ella

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  7. This is wonderful. I am glad that you are both so committed to TTWD - you can see the positive effects and how happy it makes you both. :-) Love and hugs

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    Replies
    1. When I remember what things were like before ttwd, I realize how far we have come.

      Hugs From Ella

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  8. It's amazing that our men recognise when we're quietly stewing and know just what to do to bring us out of it. Lovely post Ella, I'm glad you dusted it off and shared it with us.
    Rosie xx

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    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it, Rosie Girl. When Sam put out his hand to me, I knew everything was going to be alright.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  9. I agree with everyone above, Ella...beautiful post. And yes, has happened to me also. Such a scary feeling. Thanks for dusting the post off and sharing.

    Hugs and blessings..Cat

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    1. Thanks, Cat. When ttwd came into our marriage, so many things changed. Who knew we could ever be as close as we are today.

      Hugs From Ella

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  10. Hi Ella, sorry I am late in commenting. I agree with the others, lovely post,I'm glad you posted this. I think this happens to many of us, it's amazing how our men know what to do to bring us back :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Yes, Roz, and it does make me feel safe. The Kraken surfaces from time to time and that is always a hard thing to admit.

      Hugs From Ella

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  11. Beautiful post Ella. I've had the lost at sea feeling and wished Bear would bring me back with a spanking. So true it make the world right again.
    Hugs Lindy

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  12. Thank you, Lindy. I am glad that you related to it. I think that once you have tasted the closeness that a ttwd relationship brings, you feel like you are drowning when it is gone.

    Sending Hugs Downunder,
    Ella

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  13. I enjoyed reading this very much Ella! :) Glad that you brought it out from your archives!

    Your Sam sounds like a wonderful rescuer indeed! He knew just how to fix things and bring you back to him then, even when perhaps it took a bit of time, and he was learning too. OUCH on the belt, but all of that ends up working like a charm on most occasions, right? What awesome love!!!!

    This made me think a bit... You know sometimes our partners have other things on their minds, perhaps they feel unwell or tired, have had a bad day, etc. AS we move forward with all of this, I have found that it is okay to ask for a little, as Abby says, "Leash shortening" when we think that it will help. As consistent as one can try to be, they can't always read our minds. I always try to respectfully tell Rob, if I feel that I need something more. I've found the communication in this way to be a very positive thing. I am terribly afraid of distancing. I won't allow myself to do it. I never want to go back to how we were before ttwd. Neither does Rob. It wasn't awful or anything, but it lacked the intimacy and deep love, and affection that we now share. You know, it has taken and still takes work every day, on both our parts. Special stuff! We are all lucky!

    Isn't it interesting to look back at things, and see how far you have come? Your loving spanky man sounds like he takes such loving care of you, through all kinds of times. I hope that you are feeling a whole lot better these days! Thanks, Ella! Beautiful post! Many hugs and love,

    <3 Katie t

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  14. Katie t, I think you are so right. As I sort of spin out of control, ttwd is always at the front of my thinking. It is not always that way for Sam. It is so hard for me to tell him I need more. And, yes, I loved Abby's phase, too! The "leash shortening" explains it quite well.

    I will try to take a page from your book here. When I need him to pull me back, perhaps I can try to tell him I need that "something more" of which you speak.

    You have shared much wisdom here. We do not want to go back to those Dark Ages. And I do know we are lucky. Not perfect, but very lucky.

    Thank you for these comments. They were very special.

    Love,
    Ella

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