Friday, May 8, 2015

How Did We Get Here?

Several readers have left comments that lead me to believe that you may think Sam and I are brand new to ttwd/dd.  We are not, but I am new to blogging.  My dear husband and I got our start with domestic discipline in the fall of 2013, so it has been a year and a half since our ttwd story began.  It's time to tell you that story to give you an accurate perspective and to help you understand where we are now.

Spanking has been an obsession with me since I was a really young child.  Don't know why.  Wish I did!  I have no memory of a particular incident that initiated it.  I can remember a whole chapter about spanking in a Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle book.  I wrote stories myself and could tell you when it was ever a part of a TV show.  If other children mentioned spanking, I would listen carefully.  There was even a magazine with a picture that I saved for a very long time.  

This fascination with spanking persisted as I got older, but when I thought about it, there was always a ritual to it.  Also, I began to realize that my feelings were kind of different from the way other people seemed to react to it.  Since I met Sam when we were both only 15, I tried to tease him just to see what he would do.  He would not respond in any way, and soon I just buried the whole thing.  Never spoke about it to anyone.  I think I was almost 30 years old before I realized that my feelings about spanking as an adult might have a sexual component. 

There were times over the years of our marriage when I would try to hint that I wanted Sam to be more dominant, but it was so subtle that he probably thought I was just in a bad mood.  Besides, sex was usually great!  The kids were growing up, and life was too busy.  We never got to talk like we do now.

So jump to 2013.  Our kids have been on their own for years.  After reading a magazine article on erotic spanking, I finally summoned the courage to ask Sam to read it, too.  I thought it would be so earth-shattering.  Instead, he just grinned and started spanking.  No big deal.  He couldn't understand why I had never talked to him about it.  I told him I always believed that it was something I had to hide - that he wouldn't love me if he knew I felt this way.  So for several months he spanked, but it was always a game we played during intimacy.  I was happy, but I knew that there was something missing.  I just didn't feel fulfilled.

After Sam knew this huge secret that I had kept over decades of marriage, I felt free to read about it online.  I spent a lot of time reading articles and stories.  I ordered several books about domestic
discipline.  The more I read, the more I understood what was missing.  I NEEDED SAM TO BE THE HOH!  This was such an "Aha" moment for me.  I devoured anything I could find on dd or ttwd.  My 2 favorite sites were Taken In Hand and Learning Domestic Discipline, and I spent close to a month reading before I was ready to tell Sam.

Finally, I gathered my courage once again and started introducing the idea to him.  It was a long process of reading together, discussing points and asking lots of questions of each other.  We did this for weeks.  Sam was very reluctant at first.  Sex was one thing, but dd seemed like abuse to him.  He finally agreed to give it a try.  I talked at length about the shortcomings/faults that I have never been able to overcome.  Actions that made me feel guilty and unhappy with myself.  From these discussions, we wrote 4 or 5
rules.  Sam liked the idea of a journal, and we agreed that I would write in it daily and reflect on how I had done with the rules each day.  Even though we usually read the journal together once  a week, we talk about any blunders on a daily basis.  A spanking can follow, if Sam decides it is needed.  It seems that I struggle with one or the other of the rules pretty much all the time.  I will be doing great on one of them, and then, BOOM -  another rule becomes my nemesis.  Being respectful is always a requirement.  It's really hard to bend that one at all.

Never read any blogs much until the first of this year.  Before then, I think I stumbled upon several BSDM blogs and thought there just wasn't anyone blogging on the type of relationship Sam and I were building.  And then....(ring a little bell right here) I found an article written by Meredith on the Learning Domestic Discipline website.
I started reading "New Twist..." and then onto others on her blog roll.  Then came Life as a Lurker.  I never commented on any blog, but I read about so many of you.  Thanks.  I felt at home on your blogs.  You said and did things with which I could identify.  And no one was wearing any collars or leashes!

Finally, I wrote an email to Meredith, but I didn't press send for at least 4 hours.  Her kind response was my first connection with anyone online.  I cannot tell you how happy I feel about becoming a part of your family.   


  1. Ella, I feel we have so much in common! You musty be just a little older than me as my kids are still in middle and high school. But how you describe your feelings toward spanking, that it was always kind of "there" as the elephant in your mind, that's totally me. And knowing that even a fun smack during sex wasn't enough. I always felt like I was missing something. You guys are farther along in your journey than we are, even though we started a year ago. LDD was like a shining beacon to me and then I found Meredith's blog and contacted her. She was utterly gracious and helped me for months prior to talking to my hubby about it. I couldn't have done it without her! So glad to know more of your story - thanks for sharing!!!

  2. Maggie -
    I am so glad you wrote to me. So many readers have counseled me about being honest, but I was really hesitant about discussing my feelings during childhood. First of all, I have never understood why! I really like how you referred to it as an elephant in your mind. That is both accurate and funny.

    And yes, I am so thankful for the sites that I mentioned, LDD and Taken in Hand. Sometimes I would almost cry while I was reading, because after all this time, I found out that I was not the only woman in the world who felt this way. And I don't even know how to thank Meredith sometimes. Instead of the Really Neat Blog Award, Mere deserves the TTWD Mentoring Award.

    Finally, while Sam and I have been may have been living ttwd/dd hybrid for a few months longer than you and your husband, I have realized that we will never reach a place in this relationship where we know it all. We are changing and shaping this way of living to fit just us, and it is happening every day.

    Thank you so much, Maggie, for your comment. It really means a lot to me.

  3. Hi Ella, lovely post, glad everything is working so well for you both
    love Jan,xx

  4. Ella,
    Maggie and you, Ella, are two of the reasons I keep blogging. I consider you both two of my ttwd friends. Great post, Ella.

  5. Ella,

    Thanks for sharing your story. It's always interesting to hear how others got started. Great post!


  6. Such a wonderful story Ell and congratulations on your successful path to where you are now. Like you, I mustered up the courage to approach my wife to consider taking on the dominant role in our marriage. To live a FLM on a full time basis going forward. Like Same, Mistress K. said "why didn't you tell me earlier?" It was the best thing we ever did as a couple. Our love and affection for each other has never been so deep.

  7. great story! So glad you found us!

  8. Thank you for sharing your story! We all start in so many way and I think many of us have always had something in mind for years before breaking it out to our guys :)

  9. Your story is so interesting because you didn't start your blog for ages. But I have to impart to you that the Taken in Hand site and many other LDD sites scared the crap out of me. I couldn't believe people actually did such things, and thought the wives were really screwed up for allowing it, or even considering it.

    One blog site in particular, and one person (gone from blogland now) who seemed just this side of abuse. I used to write huge comments to her and tell her she was mad. We became great friends.

    When I read 50 Shades it was as if a light came on in my brain. Too difficult to put into words. It took a long time and a lot of emails so a couple of male bloggers to get some very important questions answered.

    When we started I thought I wanted DD in all its full glory. As time went on it evolved into our own form and has become TTWD. Very little discipline. No rules. Just good honest 'D' principles, my attitude being the main one to address.

    We've never looked back and I couldn't possible live without being spanked on a regular basis. But sometimes it is more regular than others. LOL.

    I think the main thing is that whatever way you want to do it, you do it for you and no-one else. It is simply not possible to duplicate. I know I would tear my hair out and have a hissy fit if I was continually corrected and picked up on things. Yet some people thrive on that. All I know is, that when I think things have gone into hibernation, that is the time that Dan's HOH hat decides to grow another couple of inches. Funny that!

    Many hugs