Spanking has been an obsession with me since I was a really young child. Don't know why. Wish I did! I have no memory of a particular incident that initiated it. I can remember a whole chapter about spanking in a Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle book. I wrote stories myself and could tell you when it was ever a part of a TV show. If other children mentioned spanking, I would listen carefully. There was even a magazine with a picture that I saved for a very long time.
This fascination with spanking persisted as I got older, but when I thought about it, there was always a ritual to it. Also, I began to realize that my feelings were kind of different from the way other people seemed to react to it. Since I met Sam when we were both only 15, I tried to tease him just to see what he would do. He would not respond in any way, and soon I just buried the whole thing. Never spoke about it to anyone. I think I was almost 30 years old before I realized that my feelings about spanking as an adult might have a sexual component.
There were times over the years of our marriage when I would try to hint that I wanted Sam to be more dominant, but it was so subtle that he probably thought I was just in a bad mood. Besides, sex was usually great! The kids were growing up, and life was too busy. We never got to talk like we do now.
After Sam knew this huge secret that I had kept over decades of marriage, I felt free to read about it online. I spent a lot of time reading articles and stories. I ordered several books about domestic discipline. The more I read, the more I understood what was missing. I NEEDED SAM TO BE THE HOH! This was such an "Aha" moment for me. I devoured anything I could find on dd or ttwd. My 2 favorite sites were Taken In Hand and Learning Domestic Discipline, and I spent close to a month reading before I was ready to tell Sam.
Finally, I gathered my courage once again and started introducing the idea to him. It was a long process of reading together, discussing points and asking lots of questions of each other. We did this for weeks. Sam was very reluctant at first. Sex was one thing, but dd seemed like abuse to him. He finally agreed to give it a try. I talked at length about the shortcomings/faults that I have never been able to overcome. Actions that made me feel guilty and unhappy with myself. From these discussions, we wrote 4 or 5 rules. Sam liked the idea of a journal, and we agreed that I would write in it daily and reflect on how I had done with the rules each day. Even though we usually read the journal together once a week, we talk about any blunders on a daily basis. A spanking can follow, if Sam decides it is needed. It seems that I struggle with one or the other of the rules pretty much all the time. I will be doing great on one of them, and then, BOOM - another rule becomes my nemesis. Being respectful is always a requirement. It's really hard to bend that one at all.
Never read any blogs much until the first of this year. Before then, I think I stumbled upon several BSDM blogs and thought there just wasn't anyone blogging on the type of relationship Sam and I were building. And then....(ring a little bell right here) I found an article written by Meredith on the Learning Domestic Discipline website.I started reading "New Twist..." and then onto others on her blog roll. Then came Life as a Lurker. I never commented on any blog, but I read about so many of you. Thanks. I felt at home on your blogs. You said and did things with which I could identify. And no one was wearing any collars or leashes!
Finally, I wrote an email to Meredith, but I didn't press send for at least 4 hours. Her kind response was my first connection with anyone online. I cannot tell you how happy I feel about becoming a part of your family.