Saturday, August 1, 2015
Repair Manual for Broken Connection
What the hell happened? I am used to thinking that the close connection I feel with Sam can only be broken if I turn angry or pull away or ignore one of our rules. As far as I could tell, I hadn't messed up on any of those. So I was really confused on Sunday night when I realized that I felt so disconnected from him by the time all the company went home. It was a horrible feeling, and I couldn't tell if he felt the same way.
Big dinners or parties seem to bring out the overachiever in me. I want to be sure everything is in order and organized. I want the outdoor areas to look perfect, and I probably work too hard on this. Do people really care about weeds that much? The house should be clean and neat. The food should be delicious and ready on time. Everyone should get along and enjoy themselves. Now that one is really dumb. I have no control over that.
Wait a Minute! Maybe that is the key to what went wrong - CONTROL. It's not me that pulled away. Maybe it's Sam who pulls away from me when I get like that.
We went through the motions Sunday night. I went to bed a bit earlier. He came in while I was reading to give me a kiss - one of those kisses you hear called "perfunctory." I smiled a little and when I hugged him I whispered that I felt like we were far apart from each other. When Sam came to bed later, he pulled me in close and rubbed my bottom like always. But it just wasn't quite right, and I wasn't smiling in the dark. I didn't wiggle my fanny to get in close to his manparts, and he whispered that I needed my sleep for work on Monday. We moved to our respective sides of the bed.
Monday morning before I left for work, I knew I wanted to talk. I put my arms around his neck from behind and asked quietly, "Do you feel like something is wrong?" Sam nodded and I said the words I absolutely hate to say, "I think I need you to spank me."
He nodded again, "I already thought of that. Tonight."
"It is so hard for me to ask you. It just doesn't seem right."
"Tonight," he said again and kissed me. But this kiss was at least one step back from the abyss and we lingered a moment. He smiled at me and I was out the door. Usually I would dread knowing a spanking was coming and fuss about it all day. I didn't do that Monday. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't miserable either. It felt like I was stuck at a very long red light or that someone on the phone put me on hold for the entire day.
We did talk some when I got home, but not for long. I'm not sure if either of us actually articulated just how or why things felt so wrong. Sam finally said that the whole day on Sunday felt "awkward." There didn't seem to be any blaming on either side. Finally he just took my hand, and we walked to the bedroom. He wasn't angry and didn't have to say a word to me. I just unzipped my pants and lay over the bed. I cringed just a little when I saw the 2 items he pulled from his dresser, but I didn't care. I just wanted both of us to get back to our together place.
The paddle got my attention and soon I was just trying to deal with the pain. Sam talked to me some, but I can't really tell you what he said. There were tears in my eyes, but they never seem to fall unless I am really angry. This time there was no anger at all. Time doesn't seem to have much meaning when I am being spanked. When he switched to that mean wooden spatula, though, it was hard to stay still. I made a bit of noise and I felt his hand on the small of my back.
When Sam was through, I stayed down for a minute with my face in the pillow. He talked gently and rubbed my sore bottom. Soon he pulled me up to him and just held me tight. As I slowly came back from the edge, that feeling of connection became stronger and stronger until...
- it all fell into place. That is the feeling that is almost like a drug to me. I can breathe deeply and open my eyes wide and smile while my whole body comes back alive. At that moment I always imagine that there are 2 doors on Sam's chest that open, and I can climb right in. We are close again. We are connected.