Saturday, August 1, 2015

Repair Manual for Broken Connection



What the hell happened?  I am used to thinking that the close connection I feel with Sam can only be broken if I turn angry or pull away or ignore one of our rules.  As far as I could tell, I hadn't messed up on any of those.  So I was really confused on Sunday night when I realized that I felt so disconnected from him by the time all the company went home.  It was a horrible feeling, and I couldn't tell if he felt the same way.

Big dinners or parties seem to bring out the overachiever in me.  I want to be sure everything is in order and organized.  I want the outdoor areas to look perfect, and I probably work too hard on this.  Do people really care about weeds that much?  The house should be clean and neat.  The food should be delicious and ready on time.  Everyone should get along and enjoy themselves.  Now that one is really dumb.  I have no control over that.  

Wait a Minute!  Maybe that is the key to what went wrong - CONTROL.  It's not me that pulled away.  Maybe it's Sam who pulls away from me when I get like that.



 
We went through the motions Sunday night.  I went to bed a bit earlier.  He came in while I was reading to give me a kiss - one of those kisses you hear called "perfunctory."  I smiled a little and when I hugged him I whispered that I felt like we were far apart from each other.  When Sam came to bed later, he pulled me in close and rubbed my bottom like always.  But it just wasn't quite right, and I wasn't smiling in the dark.  I didn't wiggle my fanny to get in close to his manparts, and he whispered that I needed my sleep for work on Monday.  We moved to our respective sides of the bed.

Monday morning before I left for work, I knew I wanted to talk.  I put my arms around his neck from behind and asked quietly, "Do you feel like something is wrong?"  Sam nodded and I said the words I absolutely hate to say, "I think I need you to spank me."

He nodded again, "I already thought of that.  Tonight."

"It is so hard for me to ask you.  It just doesn't seem right."

"Tonight," he said again and kissed me.  But this kiss was at least one step back from the abyss and we lingered a moment.  He smiled at me and I was out the door.  Usually I would dread knowing a spanking was coming and fuss about it all day.  I didn't do that Monday.  I wasn't happy, but I wasn't miserable either.  It felt like I was stuck at a very long red light or that someone on the phone put me on hold for the entire day.

We did talk some when I got home, but not for long.  I'm not sure if either of us actually articulated just how or why things felt so wrong.  Sam finally said that the whole day on Sunday felt "awkward."  There didn't seem to be any blaming on either side.  Finally he just took my hand, and we walked to the bedroom.  He wasn't angry and didn't have to say a word to me.  I just unzipped my pants and lay over the bed.  I cringed just a little when I saw the 2 items he pulled from his dresser, but I didn't care.  I just wanted both of us to get back to our together place.

The paddle got my attention and soon I was just trying to deal with the pain.  Sam talked to me some, but I can't really tell you what he said.  There were tears in my eyes, but they never seem to fall unless I am really angry.  This time there was no anger at all.  Time doesn't seem to have much meaning when I am being spanked.  When he switched to that mean wooden spatula, though, it was hard to stay still.  I made a bit of noise and I felt his hand on the small of my back.

When Sam was through, I stayed down for a minute with my face in the pillow.  He talked gently and rubbed my sore bottom.  Soon he pulled me up to him and just held me tight.  As I slowly came back from the edge, that feeling of connection became stronger and stronger until...

                                 ........CLICK........

- it all fell into place.  That is the feeling that is almost like a drug to me.  I can breathe deeply and open my eyes wide and smile while my whole body comes back alive.  At that moment I always imagine that there are 2 doors on Sam's chest that open, and I can climb right in.  We are close again.  We are connected.

31 comments:

  1. Ella,
    I have so been right there too. Amazing and that lovely click sound means all is well. Great post!
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, Meredith. I love when you visit.

      Ella

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  2. I do not mean any disrespect, but do you ever reconnect simply by making love? It seems like having company stressed both of you, so it's hard to understand why you getting a hard spanking is the natural result. We've been in similar situations and we discuss the people or things that went on a little, then relish in each others arms for some good sex. A good night's sleep and the next day we are both good.

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    1. Thank you for your comment, Kate. Making love is a beautiful way to connect, and a part of our marriage that I treasure. The kind of connection that I am writing about here is something that only comes when I am spanked. This is the relationship I chose, and Sam was loving enough to become my guide.

      Our marriage was always a good one before we ever began this thing we do. It has enriched what is between us more than I can describe in words. If you ever dream of being spanked, then keep reading. If it is something foreign and repugnant, then reading will not make you understand.

      Ella

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  3. Kate has a good idea, but it just doesn't work for me. I think like you I reset with his dominance and the spanking. I wouldn't ever suggest it for those that aren't wired this way, but for spankos nothing is better.

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    1. You are right, PK. I think I am "wired" this way. Perhaps that is why the friendships with all of you mean so much to me. I know you understand.

      Ella

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  4. Even after more than 12 years......I don't understand it...but it works. A lovely explanation of the process....
    hugs abby

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    1. Wow Abby! Twelve years. It is so difficult to explain, even to people of like mind. It is even harder to those who are not.

      I would like to hear how others explain it.

      Ella

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  5. Hey Ella...was this the first large get together you have hosted since you began DD? If so, maybe you were both falling back into your default behaviors (you - control, him - withdrawal). Anyway, I could sit here and guess all night as to where the disconnect occurred but bottom line...you two reconnected the way you needed to...and that's all that matters. ;)

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Hey to you, Cat. No, we have been at ttwd for quite a while. It is never perfect, but the journey is fine with me.

      I do believe you are right, though. We do sometimes slip back into old roles, especially when there is a crowd of people. The "bottom" line was what indeed restored the connection.

      Hugs,
      Ella

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  6. Hi Ella, I'm sorry you two became disconnected. I think Cat has a good point, could have been old habits resurfacing. Good on you for telling Sam you needed a spanking. That is not easy to do!

    I love how you described this and am glad you were able to reconnect.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz,
      Yes, I think you and Cat are right. Why is it SO hard to ask? Someone needs to put that into a post. Thanks, though, for your positive words.

      Hugs to you,
      Ella

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  7. I can't even describe the number of times this same thing has happened with us. I think it is quite common, it is just 'knowing' what is happening and how you should deal with it that is difficult at first. Now I try to out-think it. I either ask to be spanked 'before' or go and delve in the drawer and give Dan an implement the day after. I just hate that horrid feeling of disconnection. I understand perfectly. Glad, in fact, to hear that someone else gets these feelings too!

    So glad the reconnection worked for you both.

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. It does help to know that this same thing happens to others, Ami. The out-think plan is an idea. Maybe getting an implement would be easier than saying those words.

      TTWD is tougher when the real world pushes in.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  8. Joining the chorus of people that hate the disconnect, but really love the reconnect. Let's be honest, it's going to happen and when it does, we can either learn from it and make our respective relationships stronger, or we can wallow in the misery of how we feel when we are disconnected. I know that naturally most of us that live in a truly loving form of D/s understand exactly what I mean and, and exactly how to use the experience of setbacks for the greater good of the relationship going forward. The author of the post and each f the commenter here are good examples of that.

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    1. Wise words. No wallowing allowed and pick myself up. Maybe next time I will make better choices. It feels nice that your comment shows how you see the good in everyone.

      Thanks,
      Ella

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  9. Glad the reconnection worked and you were able to ask for what you needed.

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    1. Thanks, Sunny. Maybe there is a story in here somewhere. You always seem to be able to put the big ideas into words.

      Ella

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  10. You both know it works and have your eyes wide open. Your relationship is lovely. Whether making love or spanking-reconnection and what we NEED is how it happens!

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    1. I am smiling at your words, Minelle. That is exactly what I needed. Thanks for visiting.

      Ella

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  11. Hi Ella, I have no idea why it works but it just does and I have long learn't to accept it. We had friends over last night and I have a thing about cooking for other people. I hate it! I just get so anxious, lack confidence I suppose so I got my spanking first thing yesterday and then swats all day before they arrived. I did manage not to poison anyone so i guess it worked!
    love Jan,xx

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  12. Hello to you, Jan,
    This is such a nice comment!
    You have given me something to think about here. Sam does do what he calls a "weekend adjustment" spanking when he expects that I need to remember who is in charge. But this idea for company and parties might help when I get that "driven to perfection" mindset that hits when we are expecting people.

    Hugs Across the Pond,
    Ella

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  13. So glad you realized what was going on and reconnected. I love this line "At that moment I always imagine that there are 2 doors on Sam's chest that open, and I can climb right in." :)

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  14. Thank you, Lilli! I am glad you like that line. I never know quite how to describe that feeling when we reconnect. I am very happy you said hello. Is there a blog where I can visit you?

    Ella

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    1. I understand that feeling! It's quite wonderful, isn't it?
      I do have a blog. Thanks for asking!
      http://becomingbabygirl.blogspot.com/

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  15. ved that line too! It's so unpleasant when things feel off. Glad you're back where you're supposed to be!

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  16. Welcome!
    Do you feel that way, too, when you finally reconnect? Thanks for coming to visit me.

    Ella

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  17. Hi Ella, This post did a lot for me. We are new to this and I feel like I'm desperate to have Eric spank me but I don't know how to say it, or ask for it. I still have a hard time admitting to myself that this works for me. So, I act out, get bratty... poke and push him. It's not working. I seem to be pushing him away when I really just want his attention. You were just able to say it. Wow. Amy

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  18. Thanks for visiting, Amy. I absolutely hate saying that I need a spanking. In the beginning, I couldn't do that at all. It was much easier to talk about my need for it and then be patient. Getting bratty seemed to make it a game, and I never wanted it to be a game. Keep reading and visit the blogs on my list. You will find lots to talk about with Eric. It takes time.

    Ella

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  19. I'm late but compelled to comment. What a wonderful description of how our needs are met on both sides. It truly works for those of us that know it. Enjoying your posts.

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  20. Better late than never, Laurel. Thanks for visiting! I am glad you are enjoying the posts. Please let me know if I can visit your blog. And come again.

    Ella

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