The Last Piece of the Puzzle

Recently, Ami Across the Pond, wrote something about how hard it is for her to understand her own response to spanking.  It really made me think when she said, "It's as if I've waited for all this all my life."  Wise words, I thought.  

If we think of the people in our lives who we know the best and love the most, we recognize that there is such a complexity to each and every one.  That is what makes them individuals.  I may share stories or memories or even responses to direct questions that give you an idea about what kind of man Sam is.  I am his wife and soulmate, but even I am still listening and learning more about him every day.  When you lose a parent, there are thousands of remembrances that you can pull from in order to give others a picture of how that person lived their life.  If you have children, you know well how different they can be, even as infants.  Same parents, same house, same town, same school, same opportunities, but you will still end up with completely separate individuals.

So I started to think about myself and all the facets of my consciousness.  If the people who have known me or who know me now most intimately, had to put together a huge puzzle that tells who Ella is, how many pieces of that jigsaw would be easy to fit together?  How many pieces would be difficult or impossible to place?  Which of the people I love would be able to arrange the most pieces?  Which of those people would have the biggest challenge?



Some of my puzzle pieces might be labeled wife, lover, mother, daughter, sister, friend......  Some might say cook, teacher, reader, writer, gardener, decorator, housekeeper, traveler.....  There could be lots of opposites, too - generous and selfish, patient and volatile, funny and serious, happy and sad.  But each little piece has a place.  For many decades of my life the Ella puzzle grew.  But there was always one big piece, pretty close to the center, that was missing.  This puzzle piece was not on the edge of the table, not dropped on the floor, not left in a corner of the box.  Just not there.  A big empty spot right in the middle. 

Since the time I was a young child, I have had this strong fascination with spanking and discipline.  I recognized pretty quickly that others did not have this same strong feeling.  I didn't understand it, and no one else knew it existed.  So this puzzle piece was parked on a dusty little corner shelf in my head.  I pulled it out when it was safe.  Maybe I came across it in something I read or a picture in a magazine or a conversation overheard.  Maybe it was OK to indulge myself for a few minutes, but I soon hid it away. 

We humans like to count birthdays and wedding anniversaries.  We measure our lives by the seasons and the holidays and by our family traditions.  The happiness and fulfillment that have come into my life with TTWD have given me one more joyous milestone to celebrate.  It was 2 years ago that Sam and I finally put that last puzzle piece in place.  Spanking is like oxygen to me.  And knowing I am not here alone means a great deal.  The Ella puzzle is complete, and I am so very happy.  I have become who I was always meant to be and do believe I am a very lucky woman.

  

Ella's Flight Plan and ETA (Estimated Time of Arrival)

There is a little rule that Sam has had on the books ever since we started ttwd.  Well, let me qualify.  I think it is a little rule; apparently Sam thinks it is a bigger rule.  On work days my schedule can be different every day of the week.  I usually don't know exactly when I will get off.  His rule goes something like this:


                           Wife needs to let Husband know 
                             when she is getting off work and 
                            if she is planning any errands/stops
                                        on the way home.

This information can be communicated in an email or by phone,

but the Flight Plan needs to be filed by 4:00 pm.

In the beginning, I did forget about this fairly regularly.  Mr. Paddle (the one Sam crafted in his shop) would make an appearance on the Flight Deck and (not so gently) remind me.  And very soon, it just wasn't an issue any longer.  I have remembered to inform him for about the last 8 months.  UNTIL MONDAY!

ETA

Usually I send an email with a Subject Line titled "PM Plans."  I will include my Departure Time and Estimated Time of Arrival (ETA).  There may be errands or shopping that I plan to get done before heading home.  I may just be reminding Sam of a hair

appointment or a Happy Hour with friends from work.  I may say that I think I will be leaving work at a certain time but will call with any last minute responsibilities.  (This happens at least twice a week!)  All is well as long as I provide updates and report any Delays to the Control Tower.

Let me repeat, "UNTIL MONDAY."  First day back to work after a week off.  Very busy!  Ninety-three emails to pore through.  Phone never stopped ringing.  Paperwork Stacked and Packed.  I did not get my Flight Plan in by 4:00 pm.  Totally forgot.  I sent a note to the Cockpit very late that just said, "Crap!  I forgot."  As I headed out to my truck, I reasoned it all out.  Sam would not hold me to this on my first day back.  There hasn't been a lapse on this rule in so long; surely it will just be a verbal reminder.  So I convinced myself that this was simply just a bit of Turbulence.  Not to worry.
 

Uh Oh!

Traffic kept me in a Holding Pattern for a while but soon my truck was on its Final Approach.  Sam was juggling garbage and recycling bins on the driveway.  He shot me a smile and a wave.  The neighbor was out in her flowerbed, and I stopped to chat for a short time.  Sam was still outside when I dropped my stuff on the kitchen counter.  THEN I saw the dining room chair pulled out and Mr. Paddle and the wooden spatula sitting on the table.  This lapse was not going to be overlooked, and there was going to be a

penalty levied by the FAA.  I wanted to move the implements to the bedroom but thought better of it.  Federal law prohibits Tampering with, Disabling, or Destroying a lavatory smoke detector or paddles.  The only thing that was going to be smoking was my bottom.

When Sam came in the house, he commented in a matter of fact tone that I had not forgotten this rule in a very long time.  He asked me to put away my things, and he sat down in the dining room, picked up the paddle and waited.  I started to explain, but he just shook his head.  Could tell we were ready to start Pre-Boarding as I went across his lap.  Once my bottom was in the Full, Upright, and Locked Position, the spanking began.

There was no warm-up, just hard and fast; this was a Non-Stop, Direct Flight.  Sam asked me to repeat the rule, which is difficult when he is whaling away.  I did recite it to the best of my ability, including the cut-off time of 4:00 pm.  Soon, though, he lightened up a bit and even said how much he laughed at my, "Crap!  I forgot" email.  He rubbed a bit then, and I was hoping it would soon be time to Deplane.  Sam pulled me up to sit on his lap.  My Tarmac was just a little bit sore, but all was forgiven.  My Pilot hugged and kissed me, and I smiled.  I was again his First Officer in good standing.  

        My Flight Plan for Tuesday was filed by 9:00 am sharp.

Husband Meme

Since Sam was good enough to write a guest post for my blog, I decided to say thank you with a meme I wrote just for the guys.  Have been working on these questions for quite a while. 
 

1.  Name a favorite movie of his.  Do you like it, too?  If he doesn't have a favorite movie, substitute a TV series.

There are several favorites, but I think my answer would have to be The Magnificent 7.  Yes, I do like it, too.  We just about know it by heart but still pull it out once in a while.

2.  Tell us something you cook or bake that gets him so happy.  Do you add something special that makes your recipe unique?

Sam gets very excited when I make a yeast recipe for English Muffin Bread.  The only thing different from other yeast breads is the cornmeal.  It is really yummy!

3.  What does he wear to bed?

He always showers at night, so I guess it is clean underwear.  

4.  Does he have or has he ever grown a beard or mustache?  Did you (or do you) like it or not?

He has had a beard for almost our whole marriage.  It used to be a chestnut color.  Now it is mostly white.  I have always liked it.

5.  If they were going to make a movie of your husband, what actor would you pick to play him?

Sean Connery - I think there is a slight resemblance, at least in this picture.  I have had a "thing" for  Sean Connery since I was 14 years old.  The Scottish accent helps, too.  He could sound sexy even if he was reading a grocery list.    


6.  Who is neater around the house, you or him?  Then give us a sloppy example.

Definitely me!  This is an area where I have learned to control my nagging because of ttwd.  I think one of the biggest problems (from Ella's point of view) is that he does not clean up after himself in the kitchen very well.  

7.  If you could buy him tickets to any concert (even if it's from the past), what musician or group would be singing or playing?

It would have to be the Rolling Stones.  He  loved them when we were young, still loves them now that we are older, and at every age in between.  He will still play their music incredibly loud sometimes.

8.  Does he wear a wedding ring?  Do you care?

No, he has not worn it in years.  I could care less.

9.  How old was he and how old were you on the day you met?  What else do you remember about that day?

We were both 15 years old, and it was the first school day of our sophomore year in high school.  We were together for Geometry and English that year. 

10.  If he is the one to choose an ethnic restaurant for dinner out, would it be Chinese, Indian, Mexican, French, Italian, Greek, or ...........?

He likes so many kinds of ethnic foods, but I would have to say Mexican.

11.  Is there a photo of him as a child that you find especially endearing?  Tell us about it.

Yes, I love the one of him in his Cub Scout uniform when he was 8 years old.  Big resemblance to our Son #2.

12.  If you were going to choose a dress in a color just to please him, what color would it be?

Either burgundy red or black - Anything that also exposes any cleavage would be quite popular with Sam, too.  He also likes a waistline on a dress.



13.  Do you (or did you) love his mother?  Why or why not?

No, I could never love her.  I was kind to her and did my duty.  Sam understood completely.  She was pretty much just nuts.  I do think that is why Patty and Selma are also very difficult women.  Thank the Lord, Sam took after his father.  I loved that man as much as my own dad.

14.  Name a famous person he really admires.

Hands down, the answer to this is Winston Churchill.  His study shelves are filled to the brim with biographies of this man.
  

15.  How does your husband take his coffee or tea?

Sam likes his coffee strong and black.

16.  Does your man know how to dance?  Is it something you both enjoy?

Unfortunately, no.  I have always wanted it to be something we could do together, but I doubt that will ever happen.  Once in a great while, I can get him to hold me and move his feet when I put on a special song from high school.

 

From Ella to Sam

Can't wait to hear from all of you.  
Tell us about your favorite guy in the world.

   

Sam Speaking - Being There For Ella

Today, there is a guest blogger.  You know of him, but it has always been from Ella's point of view.  Now you get to hear from him first hand.  So I am introducing Sam and then bowing out for this post.
                                    
                                         ************


    I was nine or ten at the time. It was a sunny summer day with the smell of new mown grass in the neighborhood.  My father loomed

over me.  We were having one of those father/son talks that happened on occasion.  This was the result of having gone after my older sister (eleven years older) with a belt after my temper had gotten out of control.

    My father looked at me with his disappointed look which was always the worst thing that could happen to you.  I was expecting to get off with just the usual punishment.  Instead he sat down next to me and tilted his straw hat back on his head.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, “The worst thing you can do in this world is to hit a woman.  I don’t care if it is your sister or your mother or your wife… that is absolutely the worst thing a man can do.”

    That has always stuck with me.  For one thing, it was the first time he had talked about “man” things with me, as a man.  That was very significant and formed the basis of the man I would become.  It always stuck with me.  Secondly, it was the first time he had given me a glimmer of what being a man was all about - respect for others being a paramount quality of a “real man.”

    Given that background, you can perhaps understand that when Ella first came to me with her secret there was quite a bit of internal resistance on my part, nurture overcoming nature.  My initial problems were definitely not the result of how she felt about her situation, that it was somehow perverse or freaky, but rather that strong resistance to hitting a woman that had been embedded in me by my father and subsequent upbringing.  I did not react to her desires as perverse – that really didn’t enter the equation.  Anything that she felt she needed and that pleased her was reason enough.  As her long term partner, I felt that I had to step up to the plate as part of my commitment to her.

    Our first step was incorporating spanking into our sex play.  This was somehow humorous for both of us and made it for me acceptable.  I found that it certainly made sex more enjoyable, fulfilling and somehow deeper than it had ever been.  This initial phase lasted a month or two I suppose.

    In the process, Ella began to read to me about broadening our “application” to areas outside of merely sex play.  She read blog articles about the experience of others with ttwd, book excerpts, and magazine articles.  Getting into it, it seemed that it was a much more common experience than either of us had thought.

    One or two of the articles I read mentioned the concept of “lizard brain” – that inexplicable, Jungian, and tribal remembrance/instinct we have deep down inside of our being that comes to us on occasion.  This immediately struck a chord with me.  I do read a lot

of military history and know quite a few veterans of the military.  I had come across the concept in the context of that sense of danger that sometimes arises in combat.  That feeling that you don’t want to go there or do that because of a sense of danger that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up in alarm.  It always defied logical explanation, but proved to be a life-saver.  Also buried in the old attic of the lizard brain was a lot of stuff about masculine instinct, feminine instinct and just how relationships between “tribe members” should be.  This included, to my surprise, a lot of stuff about the interface between men and women – husbands and wives.  I guess the best way I can explain it is to say it's the stuff you know, but don’t know why you know it; it's the stuff that just comes to you.  TTWD was one of those things long buried in the lizard’s attic.


    At that stage of things, the playful stage if you will, reaching deep inside during the process, I could feel that old lizard slowly wagging his tail.

    I undertook the “playful stage” as an enhancement to sex – lighthearted and without a lot of second thoughts.  Things got incredibly better and that was good enough.

    The “playful stage” evolved into the discussion of changes Ella wanted to make in her behavior or habits.  This led to the establishment of rules that she was to comply with.  Lack of compliance resulted in enumerated consequences.  This put the discipline aspect on a different level.  It was a good second step for me as the rules and consequences were objective and delineated.  It was justified in my head as a way of helping her make changes that she wanted to make in her life.  I was helping her in a concrete way.  Eventually, her behavior modified to the point where discipline was not as often as it once was.

    It was at that point that we went to another level – just the need to be spanked for whatever reason.  Let me clarify that a bit.  I came to sense that she needed to be spanked for reasons that I did not and possibly never would understand.  I wrestled with that a bit, but after a time just went with the flow.  I have always tried to be logical and deliberate in my actions, but this was a whole different ball of wax.  I guess for lack of a better word I would call it "therapy" for her.  There are therapies out there that work for people with needs that have no reasonable explanation – they just work.  I came to view this as one of those instances.  It has never been easy for me, but over time it forged a much closer relationship with her, in her moods, feelings and needs.  It forced me to be much more sensitive and “hearing” of her inner thoughts.  It dramatically improved our relationship and her overall attitudes.

    Gradually, the elements of HOH entered into the equation.  She read more to me and we discussed her needs and my reluctance.  We read more together and the concepts became clearer, at least on an intellectual level.  The actual practice was more difficult.  HOH demands a lot of attention, concentration, consistency and just plain time and effort.  That was just on my side of things.  It also involves considerable sensitivity to what her state of mind is at any given moment.
 
    It was kind of an unwritten rule that asking to be spanked was not what we were looking for.  For one thing, it didn’t do anything on my side for understanding where her heart and mind were and on her side defeated the whole underlying purposes of submission and HOH.  It is a long process to become that tuned in to another person and I am still lacking on that front on occasions.  As you go along, it becomes easier.  The further you go, the more you begin to trust that old lizard brain that lies in wait for the right opportunities.  Discovering this lurking presence was the most illuminating part of the process for me.  The longer we went, the more right it felt for me and the better at it I became (I hope).

Repost - Ella's October Bookshelf - The Doctor and the Rancher

There was a question as to whether there was a Blogger error with this post.  I decided to repost and see if it appears on others' blog lists correctly.  Hope this was just a single instance. E


Another good book to tell you about.  This is a book by Leigh Smith.  It makes me happy to know that I was reading this author long before I ever even read any blogs!  So when I got to know Sunny at Aimless Ramblings a bit, I was surprised to find out that I had read so many of her books already.  Some of my favorites were The Star-Crossed Cowboy, At the End of the Rainbow, and the Love on the Ranch set of 4.  You can bet your boots I have a real penchant for cowboy spanking books.  Imagine how pleased I was when a brand new book, The Doctor and the Rancher, from LSF Publications came out end of August.

Title: The Doctor and the Rancher

Author: Leigh Smith

Number of Pages: 131

Themes: Change, Trust, Family, Smalltown, USA

Setting: Double Pines Ranch, Carsonville, Montana - a small town in ranching country, population 2000.

Main Characters:

• Lauren Bancroft - a 35 year old UCLA trained doctor that wants to leave LA to practice medicine in a small town.  She answers an ad and accepts a position in Carsonville.

• Trace Connor - a hard-working rancher and chairman of the town council of Carsonville.  He hires Lauren Bancroft to replace the former doctor in this isolated community.

• Flynn and Cory McCullough - foreman at the Double Pines Ranch and married to Trace's sister Cory.  Flynn and Cory have a "traditional" marriage.

• Maureen and Duncan Connor - Trace and Cory's adoptive parents.

 All the Other Book Report Stuff - 

When Lauren Bancroft packs her things and drives to Carsonville, MT, she loves the little town as soon as she arrives.  It even has a Main Street.  When she finds her way out to the Double Pines Ranch, she meets Trace Connor to whom the ranch belongs.  There

is a huge house with a lodge feel, and these two people are  attracted to each other almost immediately.  Lauren tells us that Trace looks as though, "he stepped out of the old Marlboro man commercials."  I was hooked just a few pages into Chapter One.

There is definitely a small town feel to the opening of this book and a "Keep It Simple" message.  The city girl meets the country boy.  We soon get a hint that Trace is a traditional man who would only be interested in a traditional relationship.  He admits to himself that Lauren "was the kind of person you could spend a lifetime getting to know and enjoy unfolding every layer."  When Lauren leaves the door of her new office open, she learns the hard way, that "small town" doesn't necessarily mean crime free.  Trace delivers a stinging spanking to Lauren to be sure she remembers this safety lesson.

Lauren finally admits that it feels good to have someone care enough to actually spank her.  She came to Carsonville to pursue a change in the way she practiced medicine and to embrace the comfort and closeness of living in a small town with people she really gets to know.  She finds change in her relationship with Trace, too.  He expects her to be careful of her safety, and she learns to trust him.  When she does something reckless, Trace is a man of his word.  He is not afraid to spank her, but Lauren also discovers that erotic spanking can give pleasure, too.

When Trace asks her to join him, Lauren is excited to spend time in the wilderness up from the ranch.  This trip feels like the turning point where she finally decides that it is the right choice to take their relationship to the next level.  Sitting around a campfire, "they sat watching the canopy of stars overhead, so many that you felt like you could step from one to another."  I loved this quote!  The next morning, though, she forgets Trace's warnings about using

Love this Picture!

caution this far out from civilization.  When Lauren ends up lost, it is very lucky for her that he finds her so fast.  She realizes her luck has run out when she hears Trace unbuckling his belt.
When Lauren meets Trace's parents, she really starts to feel like part of a family and knows Trace wants to marry her.  Although she keeps expecting a ring, Trace gets her a beautiful Palomino mare for her birthday.  I truly LOVE that Lauren names her new horse Sunny!  

Sunny does it again!  Wonderful western story with enough twist and turns that you are sliding into a happily ever after before you know it.  Ella's favorite ending! 

Ella Does "Have you Evers" from Terps

Terps over at A Place to Share asked so many questions, that I finally decided to pick just 15 to answer.  Thanks for all the fun, Terps!

1.  Have you ever seen the seals on the pier in San Francisco?

Yes, I have and they were so cool.  I have never been as cold in the month of June as I was on that trip to San Francisco.




2.  Have you ever been to Disney World?

Yes, and Disneyland, too.  But now it is The Wizarding World of Harry Potter that I want to see so badly!
 

 
3.  Have you ever injured yourself sneezing?

No, but I once had a terrible experience when I swallowed and hiccuped at the same time.


4.  Have you ever been playing a game with a child only to realize that you are still playing long after they left?

Yes.  Like PK, I will confess to coloring when my kids had lost interest.  I always used to cheat while playing Chutes and Ladders.  Hated that game.  I would stack the card deck so they would win very quickly.

5.  Have you ever stopped and truly looked at the beauty in nature before you? 

I do love that.  Not only vistas and huge places, but the little things, too.


6.  Have you ever been so relaxed and lazy spending Christmas day with your immediate family that instead of cooking a big fancy meal you ended up making hot dogs for dinner instead (and saved the Christmas meal for the day after)?

Not hot dogs.  But we do have an unconventional Christmas Day menu anyway.  We do a huge fish fry every year.


7.  Have you ever wished upon the first star of the night while reciting the poem "Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight" ?

Probably, and somehow this makes me think of Jiminy Cricket.  "When you wish upon a star...."  I do sing to the moon as well.


8.  Have you ever opened your front door to be welcomed by a hissing snake?

God no!  I am scared silly of snakes.  I would probably never open my front door again.



9.  Have you ever eaten peanut butter straight out of the jar?
Nope.  But there is a peanut butter cookie that I make, and I love to eat the cookie dough.


10.  Have you ever nursed your babies...almost 5 years in a row (2 years for the first child all the way through your pregnancy of the second and then 2-1/2 years with the second)?

Yes.  I did much better with my 2nd baby than my first.  I can't imagine doing it that long!  I did, however, enjoy making my own baby food.

11.  Have you ever gone outside on a rainy summer day with your umbrella so you could dance while singing "Singing in the Rain"?

When I was teaching in a location with very limited annual rainfall, one day we heard a noise on the roof of our classroom.  It took us a quiet minute to figure out it was finally rain after 4 solid months of drought!  I told the kids if we were very quiet, we could just go outside and stand in it.  They were angels, and we just stood there with the rain hitting our faces.
  

12.  Have you ever watched a lightning storm?

Love lightning and thunder!  Sam and I have set up lawn chairs in the garage to enjoy the show.

 
13.  Have you ever smiled so much your cheeks ached?

Has to be me in London!


 
14.  Have you ever jumped in the waves of the Atlantic ocean?

I don't think so.  Have always been on the Gulf Coast.  I love beaches!


15.  Have you ever walked into a wall, when you were completely sober? (did I mention I have a clumsy streak? And yes, I understand the irony considering I am a dancer at heart.)

At least once a day.  Very clutzy.  I probably have better balance when I am drinking.


 Have you ever felt really close to someone you've never met?

                Yes, now that I know so many of you.

The Great Big Pity Party and the Great Big Spanking

Once upon a time, Sam and Ella had a nice little vacation planned.  Nothing fancy - just a road trip to a neighboring state.  Plenty of time to talk and laugh and enjoy each other.  Not even think about work for 5 days!  Eating out, no housework, sight-seeing, fooling around, shooting - rifle and pistol, taking photos, maybe several quiet spankings, no phones, a good book, lying by the pool drinking beer.  Life was gonna be sweet!

Alas, it was not to be.  Just a few days before our trip, I got the worst case of food poisoning I have ever had.  It would be really easy to roll into Too Much Information at this point, but I promise not to go there.  Suffice to say I had to call to Sam in the middle of the night because I started to feel very light-headed and thought I was going to faint.  It was a long, long night.  By morning it was evident there were complications, and by afternoon, I ended up in

the hospital Emergency Room until they could get me stabilized.  Before I was released, the doctor said he was scheduling a colonoscopy ASAP and that he didn't want me leaving town for several weeks.

Got a list of what I could eat and what was forbidden.  Got a lot of extra sleep.  Soon I was feeling totally myself again.  Sam cancelled our trip and took care of all the details online.  I thought I was OK with this, but by Saturday I slipped into a deep dark funk, and I just couldn't seem to shake it.  In fact to be totally honest, I didn't want to.  It was a great big pity party, and by evening the tears started, and I just pulled away completely.  First, Sam tried to cheer me up, then he talked more sternly about not slipping into this melancholy.  Finally, he gave up.


 There were several times before ttwd where I would slip into depression and not be able to climb back out.  It could go on for weeks or even months.  Sam would do anything and everything to make me feel loved and cared for, but it didn't usually help.  Since we began ttwd more than 2 years ago, I have noticed that depression doesn't gain an upper hand anymore.  A spanking will usually bring my mood back to center.  Sam has noticed this, too, and has commented that he will never let me slip away from him again.  That always makes me feel safe.

It's still not easy for him.  So by Saturday night, I was physically feeling fine, and Sam did not need to be concerned that I was still sick.  But he still has trouble stepping up as HOH when I am sad.  Can wallop the hell out of me when I am bitchy or lose my temper!  He doesn't blink an eye.  But sadness and tears just confuse him.

Sometimes I can rise above everything and appreciate all the ways I am such a lucky woman.  Other times it just doesn't matter.  I get really down to the point it scares me.

It was bad and I soon realized that what I needed was Sam to say, "No, you will not do this," and back it up with a good long spanking.  But he did not and did not and did not.  By then I thought, "He does not care."  Could not even think of asking him.  Felt all wrong.  So that night I never read.  I never talked.  I never watched a movie.  I just curled up in a big sad ball on the bed.

It wasn't until Sunday morning that Sam took my hand and we went back to the bedroom.  He already had 2 implements setting on the bed.  It was a godawful spanking.  I even cried, which hardly ever happens.  It all came pouring out.  And finally the "Click" came and I was back.  Sam held me for so long, and it felt so good.  I felt safe again.

A day later we talked about what had happened.  Sam said he knew he had waited too long, and I explained what he could do to help me when I get that way again.  The connection between us was back, and we both knew it.

It is difficult to be frank with all of you in this post.  I feel slightly embarrassed to talk about depression, but it is very real for me sometimes.  Is there anyone else who goes through times like this?  Does spanking ever help you, too?