Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Sam Speaking - Being There For Ella

Today, there is a guest blogger.  You know of him, but it has always been from Ella's point of view.  Now you get to hear from him first hand.  So I am introducing Sam and then bowing out for this post.

    I was nine or ten at the time. It was a sunny summer day with the smell of new mown grass in the neighborhood.  My father loomed
over me.  We were having one of those father/son talks that happened on occasion.  This was the result of having gone after my older sister (eleven years older) with a belt after my temper had gotten out of control.

    My father looked at me with his disappointed look which was always the worst thing that could happen to you.  I was expecting to get off with just the usual punishment.  Instead he sat down next to me and tilted his straw hat back on his head.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, “The worst thing you can do in this world is to hit a woman.  I don’t care if it is your sister or your mother or your wife… that is absolutely the worst thing a man can do.”

    That has always stuck with me.  For one thing, it was the first time he had talked about “man” things with me, as a man.  That was very significant and formed the basis of the man I would become.  It always stuck with me.  Secondly, it was the first time he had given me a glimmer of what being a man was all about - respect for others being a paramount quality of a “real man.”

    Given that background, you can perhaps understand that when Ella first came to me with her secret there was quite a bit of internal resistance on my part, nurture overcoming nature.  My initial problems were definitely not the result of how she felt about her situation, that it was somehow perverse or freaky, but rather that strong resistance to hitting a woman that had been embedded in me by my father and subsequent upbringing.  I did not react to her desires as perverse – that really didn’t enter the equation.  Anything that she felt she needed and that pleased her was reason enough.  As her long term partner, I felt that I had to step up to the plate as part of my commitment to her.

    Our first step was incorporating spanking into our sex play.  This was somehow humorous for both of us and made it for me acceptable.  I found that it certainly made sex more enjoyable, fulfilling and somehow deeper than it had ever been.  This initial phase lasted a month or two I suppose.

    In the process, Ella began to read to me about broadening our “application” to areas outside of merely sex play.  She read blog articles about the experience of others with ttwd, book excerpts, and magazine articles.  Getting into it, it seemed that it was a much more common experience than either of us had thought.

    One or two of the articles I read mentioned the concept of “lizard brain” – that inexplicable, Jungian, and tribal remembrance/instinct we have deep down inside of our being that comes to us on occasion.  This immediately struck a chord with me.  I do read a lot

of military history and know quite a few veterans of the military.  I had come across the concept in the context of that sense of danger that sometimes arises in combat.  That feeling that you don’t want to go there or do that because of a sense of danger that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up in alarm.  It always defied logical explanation, but proved to be a life-saver.  Also buried in the old attic of the lizard brain was a lot of stuff about masculine instinct, feminine instinct and just how relationships between “tribe members” should be.  This included, to my surprise, a lot of stuff about the interface between men and women – husbands and wives.  I guess the best way I can explain it is to say it's the stuff you know, but don’t know why you know it; it's the stuff that just comes to you.  TTWD was one of those things long buried in the lizard’s attic.

    At that stage of things, the playful stage if you will, reaching deep inside during the process, I could feel that old lizard slowly wagging his tail.

    I undertook the “playful stage” as an enhancement to sex – lighthearted and without a lot of second thoughts.  Things got incredibly better and that was good enough.

    The “playful stage” evolved into the discussion of changes Ella wanted to make in her behavior or habits.  This led to the establishment of rules that she was to comply with.  Lack of compliance resulted in enumerated consequences.  This put the discipline aspect on a different level.  It was a good second step for me as the rules and consequences were objective and delineated.  It was justified in my head as a way of helping her make changes that she wanted to make in her life.  I was helping her in a concrete way.  Eventually, her behavior modified to the point where discipline was not as often as it once was.

    It was at that point that we went to another level – just the need to be spanked for whatever reason.  Let me clarify that a bit.  I came to sense that she needed to be spanked for reasons that I did not and possibly never would understand.  I wrestled with that a bit, but after a time just went with the flow.  I have always tried to be logical and deliberate in my actions, but this was a whole different ball of wax.  I guess for lack of a better word I would call it "therapy" for her.  There are therapies out there that work for people with needs that have no reasonable explanation – they just work.  I came to view this as one of those instances.  It has never been easy for me, but over time it forged a much closer relationship with her, in her moods, feelings and needs.  It forced me to be much more sensitive and “hearing” of her inner thoughts.  It dramatically improved our relationship and her overall attitudes.

    Gradually, the elements of HOH entered into the equation.  She read more to me and we discussed her needs and my reluctance.  We read more together and the concepts became clearer, at least on an intellectual level.  The actual practice was more difficult.  HOH demands a lot of attention, concentration, consistency and just plain time and effort.  That was just on my side of things.  It also involves considerable sensitivity to what her state of mind is at any given moment.

    It was kind of an unwritten rule that asking to be spanked was not what we were looking for.  For one thing, it didn’t do anything on my side for understanding where her heart and mind were and on her side defeated the whole underlying purposes of submission and HOH.  It is a long process to become that tuned in to another person and I am still lacking on that front on occasions.  As you go along, it becomes easier.  The further you go, the more you begin to trust that old lizard brain that lies in wait for the right opportunities.  Discovering this lurking presence was the most illuminating part of the process for me.  The longer we went, the more right it felt for me and the better at it I became (I hope).


  1. You are a fine man. I read it in your words and know that you love Ella to pieces.
    Nice to hear from you.

  2. Sam,
    Good to hear your thinking......... nice to get to know you!

  3. What an awesome post.....your love for Ella shines through the words and your thought processes.
    hugs abby

  4. Aw Sam, what a nice man you are and what a lovely post you write! It is so greta to hear of a Hoh trying os hard to get it right
    love Jan,xx

  5. Hello Sam!

    What a joy to have a husband write a post on his point of view. How well you explain your side of TTWD.

    Several of us have similarly minded husbands. I can vouch for that. Dan is probably more restrained than you, he still has difficulty at times overcoming his reservations.

    It is indeed like walking a tightrope, and each couple have to negotiate how to make that walk in their own way.

    It would be so valuable were you to consider writing an occasional post. I know I shall never convince Dan to write one in a hundred years.

    Thank you for your input.


  6. Hey Sam...

    I do enjoy reading from the HoH's POV...which doesn't happen too much around blogland anymore. Thanks so hope you come guest blog again...maybe on a regular basis. ;)

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

  7. What a beautifully thoughtful post. Your love for Ella shines through and I really appreciate how you want to listen and be attuned to her needs. Thank-you for sharing your point of view.

  8. Hi Sam, what a wonderful and thoughtful post, and your love for Ella definitely shines through as the others said. I really enjoyed reading your perspective and hope you will continue to guest post.


  9. Oh Sam this is so wonderful to read. Many of our husbands have lots of the same thoughts and feelings. We all do things the way it works for each of us as couples!

  10. I sure don't know how I missed this when you first put it up, but I'm really glad I saw it now. We have so few men who take the time to articulate their side of TTWD. You have done an excellent job here. Ella is a very lucky woman. I hope we'll hear from you again.

  11. I enjoyed this post very much, Sam! :) I too see the great love that you have for Ella. Very special indeed that you were able to listen to your wife's needs and come to the table for her, thus bringing the two of you closer.

    I loved how you shared how you came around to it all- especially with the wisdom that you were passed via your father years before. Thanks for sharing that. It is very special. I know that perhaps it is no easy thing to come to terms with the fact that the one that you love, feels the need for spanking. It is so counter-intuitive to what one would link to the word "love". I think that most of us who find ourselves in that realm of things, likely don't quite understand it ourselves. What we do find, it that it can all be fun, intimate, sexy, and extraordinarily loving, if done in an already loving environment. You do it for Ella, because she has asked you to. It has lead to great growth for both of you. Your love shines through for sure.

    Rob went through a lot of the steps of what you described, and I would say that at times he still perhaps hesitates. We progressed along very similarly to what you and Ella describe. From the fun loving spanking, to discipline at times for those things that are important to us, to almost a "therapy" type spanking situation, and everything in between really. We have a lot of fun with it. But I also know that if I need it, Rob will be quick to help me get that release, which can really make a world of difference- especially through difficult times. I thank him from the bottom (no pun intended) of my heart that he has chosen to be there for me in this very non-conventional way. I am sure that Ella does for you. Who would have thought it?

    I agree with the others, it is wonderful to hear from the perspecitve of an HoH. Not sure that I could ever get Rob to write anything. Maybe though... Thank you! Oh and as an aside, for some reason, I have not been getting Ella's updated posts for some time on my reading list. I just re-added her to that, but she might want to check because I believe it happened to some others as well. :) Ella has wonderful posts here, and I hope that others do not miss some as well. Many hugs to you and Ella,

    <3 Katie