Friday, October 30, 2015
The Last Piece of the Puzzle
Recently, Ami Across the Pond, wrote something about how hard it is for her to understand her own response to spanking. It really made me think when she said, "It's as if I've waited for all this all my life." Wise words, I thought.
If we think of the people in our lives who we know the best and love the most, we recognize that there is such a complexity to each and every one. That is what makes them individuals. I may share stories or memories or even responses to direct questions that give you an idea about what kind of man Sam is. I am his wife and soulmate, but even I am still listening and learning more about him every day. When you lose a parent, there are thousands of remembrances that you can pull from in order to give others a picture of how that person lived their life. If you have children, you know well how different they can be, even as infants. Same parents, same house, same town, same school, same opportunities, but you will still end up with completely separate individuals.
So I started to think about myself and all the facets of my consciousness. If the people who have known me or who know me now most intimately, had to put together a huge puzzle that tells who Ella is, how many pieces of that jigsaw would be easy to fit together? How many pieces would be difficult or impossible to place? Which of the people I love would be able to arrange the most pieces? Which of those people would have the biggest challenge?
Some of my puzzle pieces might be labeled wife, lover, mother, daughter, sister, friend...... Some might say cook, teacher, reader, writer, gardener, decorator, housekeeper, traveler..... There could be lots of opposites, too - generous and selfish, patient and volatile, funny and serious, happy and sad. But each little piece has a place. For many decades of my life the Ella puzzle grew. But there was always one big piece, pretty close to the center, that was missing. This puzzle piece was not on the edge of the table, not dropped on the floor, not left in a corner of the box. Just not there. A big empty spot right in the middle.
Since the time I was a young child, I have had this strong fascination with spanking and discipline. I recognized pretty quickly that others did not have this same strong feeling. I didn't understand it, and no one else knew it existed. So this puzzle piece was parked on a dusty little corner shelf in my head. I pulled it out when it was safe. Maybe I came across it in something I read or a picture in a magazine or a conversation overheard. Maybe it was OK to indulge myself for a few minutes, but I soon hid it away.
We humans like to count birthdays and wedding anniversaries. We measure our lives by the seasons and the holidays and by our family traditions. The happiness and fulfillment that have come into my life with TTWD have given me one more joyous milestone to celebrate. It was 2 years ago that Sam and I finally put that last puzzle piece in place. Spanking is like oxygen to me. And knowing I am not here alone means a great deal. The Ella puzzle is complete, and I am so very happy. I have become who I was always meant to be and do believe I am a very lucky woman.