Friday, October 30, 2015

The Last Piece of the Puzzle

Recently, Ami Across the Pond, wrote something about how hard it is for her to understand her own response to spanking.  It really made me think when she said, "It's as if I've waited for all this all my life."  Wise words, I thought.  

If we think of the people in our lives who we know the best and love the most, we recognize that there is such a complexity to each and every one.  That is what makes them individuals.  I may share stories or memories or even responses to direct questions that give you an idea about what kind of man Sam is.  I am his wife and soulmate, but even I am still listening and learning more about him every day.  When you lose a parent, there are thousands of remembrances that you can pull from in order to give others a picture of how that person lived their life.  If you have children, you know well how different they can be, even as infants.  Same parents, same house, same town, same school, same opportunities, but you will still end up with completely separate individuals.

So I started to think about myself and all the facets of my consciousness.  If the people who have known me or who know me now most intimately, had to put together a huge puzzle that tells who Ella is, how many pieces of that jigsaw would be easy to fit together?  How many pieces would be difficult or impossible to place?  Which of the people I love would be able to arrange the most pieces?  Which of those people would have the biggest challenge?

Some of my puzzle pieces might be labeled wife, lover, mother, daughter, sister, friend......  Some might say cook, teacher, reader, writer, gardener, decorator, housekeeper, traveler.....  There could be lots of opposites, too - generous and selfish, patient and volatile, funny and serious, happy and sad.  But each little piece has a place.  For many decades of my life the Ella puzzle grew.  But there was always one big piece, pretty close to the center, that was missing.  This puzzle piece was not on the edge of the table, not dropped on the floor, not left in a corner of the box.  Just not there.  A big empty spot right in the middle. 

Since the time I was a young child, I have had this strong fascination with spanking and discipline.  I recognized pretty quickly that others did not have this same strong feeling.  I didn't understand it, and no one else knew it existed.  So this puzzle piece was parked on a dusty little corner shelf in my head.  I pulled it out when it was safe.  Maybe I came across it in something I read or a picture in a magazine or a conversation overheard.  Maybe it was OK to indulge myself for a few minutes, but I soon hid it away. 

We humans like to count birthdays and wedding anniversaries.  We measure our lives by the seasons and the holidays and by our family traditions.  The happiness and fulfillment that have come into my life with TTWD have given me one more joyous milestone to celebrate.  It was 2 years ago that Sam and I finally put that last puzzle piece in place.  Spanking is like oxygen to me.  And knowing I am not here alone means a great deal.  The Ella puzzle is complete, and I am so very happy.  I have become who I was always meant to be and do believe I am a very lucky woman.



  1. Ella,
    I so like this post. It really helps explain us spankos. Well written and thoughtful, your post does resonate with me.

  2. This is a wonderful post that I so completely identify with. It has been an unbelievable journey to finally find ttwd and then to actually incorporate it into our lives after years and years of want and need is beyond words for me. I understand your happiness. Thank you for writing this one.

  3. What a great explanation happy you and Sam found that last piece. Thank you for sharing.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

  4. Well said - whether we're in a true dd relationship or just the occasional slap on the butt we still know who we are and out here is the first place I was accepted for who I truly am and it's wonderful.

  5. Wow Ella that is a really good explanation finding the missing jigsaw puzzle piece. It does feel like that also until TTWD came along and filled that gap. Thanks for making it so clear.
    Hugs Lindy

  6. Hi Ella, great writing, lovely post. It was three years ago that my own jigsaw was completed and I too am the happiest I have ever been. We are so lucky, all of us in Blogland to have found each other as well as been lucky enough to have found that last piece!
    love Jan,xx

  7. Hi Ella, this is such a great post and very well said. I can definitely identity. So happy for you that you and Sam have been able to fit the final piece of the Ella puzzle :)


  8. Gosh I love this. I still remember the day I typed spanking in romance books. I was searching to find my answers. Figuring out my puzzle! We seem to need an explanation to the pieces we are when complete!

  9. I so identify with this Ella. I was eighteen when I first asked my husband to spank me. He was absolutely appalled and forbade me from raising the subject again. He had a change of heart 43 years later and life has been turned on its head since then. I found Blogland soon after and de-lurked on a few blogs on LOL day 2013. The wise woman of Bedrock replied: How amazing it must have been to let yourself be 'you' with your husband after so long. Like the final piece of the puzzle was finally in place? She was so right, he has all of me now.

    Rosie xx

  10. I think that when my idea about spanking went from liking, wanting, and then needing, I finally had to just give up wondering why I am like this. There are so many of us that I don't feel like trying to figure it all out. But boy do I still relate to your post.

  11. I'm so thankful you found your puzzle piece and used it. I always had that feeling that something was missing. I, too, knew when I was young that spanking mystified and excited me. And then, as I was older, read books that had a bit of a spank here or there in them. Or a dominant man - one that society told you wasn't right. I grew up hearing "you're tough and strong and capable!" Which is fabulous! But then it was paired with "you don't need a man like that." So, I stayed away from something that was so instinctual to me. Even though I subconsciously married a guy that could "handle" me LOLOL. I'm thankful for the day I found DD and TTWD websites. That was when my puzzle piece fell into place.

  12. beautiful analogy :-) I can truly identify with your story. I am glad you found the missing piece to your puzzle. Hugs