Wednesday, July 24, 2019

What's the Difference?

Back in June, Amy, over at her blog Eric51Amy49, wrote a serious post on the subject of Submission and Obedience.  If you would like to read it, you can find it HERE.  It was a very thought-provoking topic, and Amy's response made me think about where I am currently with both submission and obedience.  I don't feel confident with telling you that I am where I want to be.  So maybe it's time for me to write about it too.  To take on a little self-examination.  Perhaps a bit overdue.

                   Here is the statement that started me thinking.

What does it mean to submit?  
Submission is a matter of attitude, a matter of spirit.  
What does it mean to obey?  
Obedience is a matter of conscience, a matter of outward behavior.  
Submission is inward, whereas obedience is outward.

Well, here are some of my understandings.  Submission is something that you choose to give.  With a ttwd or DD relationship, it is the crux of the whole "consensual" question between the couple in a long-term relationship.  A wife agrees that her husband will be the leader and she will follow.  He has the option of using a spanking or other deterrent when he feels she has acted in some way that has a negative impact on the couple's well being.

There is no force exerted by either party.  The woman freely submits, both to his leadership and any spanking, if it happens.  There is a high level of trust between the husband and wife.  An important thing to understand is that both people are committed to each other and to making each other happy and fulfilled.


I become "His" both by the way I submit and the way I obey.  I think I am at my most submissive when I remain silent.  And for me, it takes constant monitoring to stay in this mindset.  As soon as my mind moves on to going out to dinner or cleaning out drawers or my volunteering responsibilities, I can lose that good place in my head and in my heart that makes submission feel so natural.  That's why I confessed that I am not where I want to be.  I yearn for that to be as easy as smiling or nodding my head.  Oh, I wish.

In fact, submission can be both easy and difficult.  If I am concentrating, I can easily listen when Sam speaks and give him my full attention.  Active listening.  I am engaged, but I know in my head that my opinion isn't needed for this interaction.  In fact any words coming out of my mouth would be extraneous in that moment.  What is needed is my silence.  That is my gift to him.  I don't need to have a sign on my forehead that says, "I am submissive."  He will know and appreciate it without it being consciously acknowledged.

When I fail, it is as obvious and ugly as a wart on my nose.  Sam makes a statement and, instead of submission, I deliver, "No, you are forgetting.  That happened after we got off the plane."  There listening to the heart of the matter.  There is only...just let me correct you, mister.  Submission crawls away to hide its head.  In fact I believe that almost always, when I do this, my response is absolutely without meaning.  It does not serve any purpose other than to make me feel smarter than Sam in a useless and harmful way.

I still try to reinforce the submissive behavior in myself by a specific physical movement that is meaningful only to me.  If I did something that was understood by Sam, it would defeat the purpose.  Perhaps it is a silly thing, but it helps me remain in a submissive state of mind more often. 


Obedience is sometimes easier because I am given a prompt that brings me back from wherever my mind is wandering (perhaps about shoes.)  It also requires some type of response from me.  Either in a verbal agreement to take this direction or even just a nod or a kiss.  He knows I heard him and plan to carry out something as he wishes. 

"Ella, don't forget to use the Lowes charge card when you go to buy your flowers," Sam says.

I hear it as a direction or even a command.  It is much easier to remember to simply say, "Thanks, I will," or even "Yessir."  It is NOT pure obedience when I come back with the word, "Why?"  Then I am questioning his leadership and forcing him to defend himself.  Even when this is done with no rancor, I am still doubting his authority to ask me to obey.

In the best of times, there is both submission and obedience in our ttwd marriage.  At the worst of times there is neither, although that happens much less often than it used to.

As I was thinking through my feelings on the subjects in this post, something else became apparent to me.  We all are well aware of the fact that there are very few posts going up in blogland these days.  Me included.  People have moved on to other interests or just giving in to the feeling that they have said all they have to say.  I totally understand because I can identify with both those reasons.

The thing is that I think the very act of writing a post like this one or reading someone else's post about a facet of ttwd keeps me sharp.  Many times a phone conversation or a visit with one or many blogger friends does the same thing.  By "sharp" I mean it keeps me in the zone I want to be in.  I am renewed.  I am conscious of living this lifestyle.  It makes me watch and listen to Sam with patience and love.  Without the reading, the writing, or the discussion, I lose my edge, and ttwd becomes just a little bit mundane.  

                      And that is something I never want to happen. 


Monday, July 8, 2019

Funny Old Meme

This is quite an old meme, probably from last fall.  I've held on to it because I thought it was such a good one and enjoyed reading all of yours.  Thanks to whoever introduced it!  I can't even remember.  Goodness only knows when I will get around to PK's new meme!

1.  I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick 
up 5 items.  You can only pick one thing from the following departments.  What do you choose?

Produce - Pineapple
Frozen - Healthy Choice Fudge Bars
Dairy - Whole Milk (for baking)
Meat - Steak
Canned Goods - Chili Beans

Note: I think there has been an error here.  Where is Bakery?  And what about the Liquor department?  My answer is Beer! 

2.  Let's say you're heading out for a weekend getaway.  You're only allowed 3 articles of clothing with you.  So, what's in your bag?

Oh, this is a hard one for Ella, folks!  If I am assuming that shoes and underthings don't count, I would pick ...

                                    Jeans, Tee shirt, and Jacket.

3.  If  I were to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?

a.  "I love you, mister"

b.  "What did I come into this room for?"

c.  "Ding, ding, ding.  It's Happy Hour!"

d.  "Please clean up the kitchen counter."

4.  So, what 4 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn't get to do them, you probably wouldn't be in the best mood?

a.  Swiffer all the bare floors.

b.  Put on my makeup.

c.  Love on my dog.

d.  Sit on Sam's lap.

5.  You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage.  What 3 factors probably contributed to it?

Oh, this is such a real thing for me.  In fact, my temper in the car is something Sam has helped me work on (the ttwd way.)  Things that drive me crazy would be:

a.  People that can't get completely over into a left hand turn bay and block the traffic behind them!!!

b.  People that keep turning left even after their green arrow is gone!!!

c.   Two cars going exactly the same speed next to each other so that nobody can pass them!!!

6.  You just scored a whole afternoon to yourself.  We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around.  What 5 activities might we find you doing.

a.  Out tending plants in the garden.
b.  Reading a Cassie book with a bag of Tootsie Rolls.
c.  Baking bread to surprise Sam.
d.  Checking out the sale wall at Loft.
e.  Movie with a jumbo buttered popcorn.

7.  We're going to the zoo.  But it looks like it could start storming so it'll have to be a quick visit.  What 3 exhibits do we have to get to.

a.  Monkeys, for sure.  Can watch them for hours.
b.  Giraffes are such gentle, graceful animals.
c.  Polar bears always look like they are having fun!

8.  You just scored tickets to the taping of any television show of your choice.  You can pick 4, so what are you going to see?

a.  Fixer Upper on HGTV, although they are not taping anymore.
b.  Judge Judy (She gets paid millions to be bossy!)
c.  American Pickers
d.  Project Runway

9.  You're hungry for ice cream.  I'll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone.  What flavors can I pile on for ya?

a.  Chocolate Fudge Brownie
b.  New York Super Fudge Chunk
c.  Death by Chocolate

                                   Do you see a pattern here?

10.  Somebody stole your purse/wallet.  In order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it.  So, what's in there?

a.  Sunglasses
b.  Tissues
c.  Phone
d.  Pen
e.  Gum

11.  You are at a job fair and are asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career.  Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?

Well, I am liking retirement just fine, thank you.  But for the sake of the meme, here's what I would say.

a.  Lawyer or Judge
b.  Research Scientist
c.  Interior Designer
d.  Drama Teacher

12.  If you could go back and talk to the old you when you were in high school and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

a.  "Spend as much time as you can with Dad.  
      He's not going to be here very long."

b.  "Sam's the one."
c.  "Trust that you can tell Sam any secret."
d.  "You're not the only girl in the world who wants to be spanked."