Thursday, May 14, 2015

SOS for my HOH


My Mother's Day started out so happy.  I was outdoors with the sun shining and planting flowers in all the patio pots and beds.  Later we joined family at my favorite pub/restaurant for dinner.  We all  laughed and truly enjoyed each other.  Good time.

Then, as we walked in the door, I spoiled everything with a bitchy complaint about a topic that is always a sore point with Sam and I.  As soon as it was out of my mouth, I knew that what I said was way over the top.  I was really sorry, and expected that Sam would immediately say we were heading to the bedroom to take care of this.

But it turned out much worse, because Sam didn't do that at all.  He reacted like he had never heard of ttwd.  He was angry, and he stopped talking and left the room.  That was the way we used to fight.  I was upset, sorry, and so unsure.  A while later, he came to me in the kitchen, and I was glad, because I thought things would be resolved.  Sam started off by saying that he was HOH and that this is the way things needed to be in our house, but then ended with something that sounded like, if I couldn't do this, then ttwd wasn't working and we might as well forget about it.

I was so devastated that I couldn't even talk.  The tears just came to my eyes, and I changed my clothes and crawled into bed.  I must have cried for over an hour.  I think I cried myself to sleep.  When Sam came to bed, I woke up but just started to cry all over again.  Finally, he pulled me over to him to spoon like we usually go off to sleep.  He asked me to talk to him.  Between sobs, I explained how I understood what he had said.  He kept kissing the top of my head and saying, "Shush," to stop my crying.  He said that he hadn't meant that at all; that I misunderstood.  He held me as we fell asleep and said we would talk more in the morning.

We did talk, and he frankly apologized and said he had mishandled it.  He must have said he was sorry 10 times.  I feel now like we have moved past this.  I understand that we both misunderstood what the other was saying.  That I pretty much overreacted.  When people write about how communication is so crucial to the success of ttwd, I know how its failure can impact the understanding of a situation.

Sam asked me if our connection was back, and I climbed up on his lap.  My favorite place to sit.  All is well.

9 comments:

  1. Sorry you went through such a rough patch Ella. Yes, communication is key to the success of any relationship and unfortunately you found out what happens when it fails. Happy to hear you two were able to talk and are in a better place. Sending lots of positive thoughts for you.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thanks, Cat. It was rough, but Sam has stepped back into his role this week with more confidence, I think. Maybe this will turn out to be a positive experience for us both. It just scares me to my soul to think I would have to go back to the way it was before ttwd. It has helped me feel fulfilled in a way I never have before. I love how you end with hugs and blessings!
      Hugs and blessings to you, Cat.
      Ella

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  2. Oh Ella, I know how that feels. To have words said that hurt - that you think mean an end to this yet it's not what he means. It's so difficult in that moment to see past it. My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad Sam apologized and you were both able to get back to communicating. It is definitely the key in any relationship but definitely a TTWD relationship! And it something that I struggle with, unfortunately. Sometimes it's hard to get the words out.

    Glad you two are in a better place today!!

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  3. Ella,
    It is always the talking not the spanking that helps to work things out. Glad things are smooth.
    Meredith

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    1. You are right, Meredith. But the spanking is what breaks the cycle of my anger. The dragon is put to sleep, and I can listen when we talk. In all our years of marriage, I have never listened to Sam the way I do now.

      I love the way you have encouraged me to express myself through writing again. It feels so good.

      Ella

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  4. Talking is essential to any successful marriage, but there will always be occasions when we misunderstand each other. Sometimes things just come out wrong, but it sounds like Sam is in tune with you.

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  5. Oh Ella, we ALL have had these misunderstandings. I am sure if you were to read everyone's blogs you would find a post like this on every single one. We had a misunderstanding that lead to a very unsatisfactory spanking back in the early days. The trick with ttwd is to move on , and I am sure that ttwd helps us get past these things so much quicker. Hope all is okay today
    love Jan,xx

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  6. Ella, this is very reminiscent of how we used to be before TTWD. We would snap at each other, upset each other, I would go away and have a good cry, and then we would make up and explain to each other why we had reacted the way we had.

    Now I find I try to curb my tongue. It doesn't always work and when I get really annoyed about something, I have a tongue like acid drops. However, Dan is not an impulse spanker, so therefore it goes on the 'invisible slate' and I get my comeuppance later.

    The thing is that it is very good for the men to understand the the importance of apologies. It certainly means a great deal to me when Dan apologises. (Doesn't happen with great regularity, but it does happen) and we almost try to outdo each other with saying sorry.

    I wonder whether is it sometimes worse, not to get a spanking when you expect to get one? That has a very negative impact on me. Even if he cannot spank at the time, I now know there are signs I can see that tell me it is written in the future. LOL.

    This communication business is very, very difficult at times. All we can do, is do our best.

    Glad things are resolved with you two.

    Hugs
    Ami

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  7. Hi Ella! Nice to meet you! I agree with Jan, we all have these things happen from time to time. Crying yourself to sleep is definitely not fun, but you both realized the miscommunication quickly and recovered from it. Even with using dd/ttwd as a tool in our marriage, I'm still surprised at the moments when it breaks down or miscommunications happen. We just try to do what the two of you did, realize it, apologize and get back of track :) Glad you're doing much better

    Hugs

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