Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Get A Room!

From reading your blogs regularly, I do think it is accurate to say that many of us who have adopted ttwd, have also found a new, more intense sexual dynamic with our HOHs.  Sam and I surely have.  In fact for anyone reading this, whose partner is still on the fence about ttwd/dd, the sex thing should be definitely weighed as one of the pros.  "Honey, here is another great reason to spank my ass!"

To clarify, though, I think it is more than just spanking.  At first we only added spanking as a game in the bedroom.  Although it spiced things up, it didn't really change the way we viewed the roles in our marriage.  As we started exploring dd, I did enormous amounts of reading and shared a portion of that with Sam.  There were several sources that talked about how modern life has a tendency to make us "gender neutral."  Women take on many traditionally male roles,
and men take on many traditionally female roles.  Of course that isn't necessarily bad, but it leads to lowering the sexual attraction.  (In a recent letter to Ami, I added that my natural bossiness doesn't help either!)  TTWD helps to re-establish these roles.  The sexual dynamic returns; the woman feels more feminine and the man feels more masculine.  Just like everything in ttwd, I'm sure we have tailored some of that to what is best for us.

In her popular book The Surrendered Wife, Laura Doyle says, "Instead of throwing out traditional gender roles, try them on again.  There may be some value in them that you would like to reclaim.  They can help you feel protected and feminine, and therefore more intimate."

In a much lesser known series of long essays/short books, by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist, she writes about the limbic system of humans that makes some of our feelings/actions instinctual instead of intellectual.  This was meaningful for Sam, and he actually read the entire Book II - Advice from the Receiving End.  I don't know how much of this is true, but the author explains the need for spanking by relating it to the limbic system.  Since I have never understood this need for spanking in myself, at least this author gave me a way to examine it in a different context.  In other words, there's another reason besides:

I am just a.) weird
               b.) strange
               c.) different
               d.) all of the above.

So the sexual dynamic has skyrocketed, and mind you, we were doing just fine before ttwd!  While we have never discussed it with any family member, there are several who are aware that something is up with Sam's and my relationship.  For one thing we don't make much of an effort to keep our hands off of each other.  I figure we are not getting any younger.  If I feel like sitting on Sam's lap, that's where I will be. 

One night Son #1 stopped by after work, and we were both glad to see him.  Eventually this son decided to use the facilities and disappeared for a few minutes.  I jumped into Sam's lap and let him know exactly what was on my mind.  That's the wonderful part of lap-sitting.  It only takes a minute and if you feel something pop up, you know if it's on his mind, too!  I really was just giving Sam a hug, but when Son returned, he just stared at us laughing and said, "Get a room, you guys!  Think I'll be saying goodbye.  You kids have fun."  I jumped up to give him a hug, like a good mom should, but to tell you the truth I wasn't that sad he was leaving.  And, yes, Sam and I did get a room.


  1. I love it. Our sex life wasn't that great before TTWD so the change was amazing when I came out. Our then teen daughter would throw us the same line when we'd stop for a kiss and a hug in the living room. To her, "Get a room!" Nick would reply, "We're got a room, you're in it, get out." There is something to be said for owning the house!!

    1. PK,
      Love Nick's reply! A wise person once said to me, "The best thing you both can ever do for your kids is to stay in love." I think they were right.
      ***Just started the new Cassie book!***

  2. Ella,
    I love winning combinations and that is what we have here. To go back to our newlywed days after all these years is just plain wonderful. Ttwd is the sweetest of things.

    1. So right, Meredith. The other day I told Sam I was thinking back to high school Friday nights and parking at the Forest Preserve. Couldn't keep our hands off of each other then either.
      TTWD makes me feel so lucky.

  3. I remember just how astonished Dan and I were, when we discovered the "side effects" of spanking. When he was undergoing his cancer treatment, it became a very real concern of ours, that we would be able to continue our happy married life. No-one was more surprised than the Consultant at the end of the treatment, when Dan informed him that the 'side effects' were negligible. Mostly more due to our ages than the cancer treatment. Dan says he often wishes he could brag to his friends and associates who are continually complaining, not only about their wives' lack of interest, but also about their own lack of libido.

    Whilst a little more restrained in the 'touchy feelie' department, our kids have also noticed a very pronounced change of interaction between their parents. Our daughter is delighted, and our son is embarrassed.

    I skimmed teh Surrendered Wife when we first started out, and couldn't get into it, but I will try the other book you recommend as I like scientific explanations. Have you read Sex Begins in the Kitchen by Dr Kevin Leman? You might enjoy that. It also recommends the return of the gender roles.

    I think without a doubt, that there are very many of us whose lives have been completely turned around by the spanking dynamic. For the better!

    Love that you get bossy too. I had a bossy moment today again when in the car with Dan. It just seems to bubble out of me. LOL! Oh well, retribution will come later....

    Many hugs

    1. To Ami, Sarah, dear Friend.........

      I think Sam feels the same; it would be fun to brag. I had some surgery in February. We were "creative" during my recuperation. Sam went with me to the doctor's for the post-op visit because I couldn't drive yet, and he wanted to hear the doc himself. The first question out of my mouth was about intercourse. "Wahoo" was my reaction.

      Already downloaded the Sex in the Kitchen book. Thanks for the tip. Also have Surrendered Wife as an audio book. If I start to feel bossy, I play it on the to and from work.

      Please tell Sarah that she "knocked it out of the park" on her first book! BTW, for those of you from across the pond, that idiom is from baseball.

      Hugs to you

  4. So happy for you Ella...My situation is a bit different since TTWD was just part of my relationship with my ex and with Matthew so I didn't know any different. But I do like reading how other relationships evolved.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    1. Thanks for visiting Ella Ever After. I am still trying to get additional URLs on my blogroll. Very frustrating, but I won't give up.

      I want to hear more of YOUR story. Where on your blog should I start?

      Hugs from Ella

  5. Hi Ella, well you KNOW that it's gotten even better sexually over here. And it's not due to lack of it prior to ttwd. But it's somehow more intimate....more loving....and hotter. Definitely hotter. Lol. And I'm with you - I'm over 40 and if I want to sit on my hubby's lap then I'm going to. Even if it embarrasses my kids hahaha.

    I'm still trying to pick up The Surrendered Wife. Hoping to get it soon. The kitchen book above sounds good, too! I love these ideas!