Friday, October 2, 2015

The Great Big Pity Party and the Great Big Spanking



Once upon a time, Sam and Ella had a nice little vacation planned.  Nothing fancy - just a road trip to a neighboring state.  Plenty of time to talk and laugh and enjoy each other.  Not even think about work for 5 days!  Eating out, no housework, sight-seeing, fooling around, shooting - rifle and pistol, taking photos, maybe several quiet spankings, no phones, a good book, lying by the pool drinking beer.  Life was gonna be sweet!

Alas, it was not to be.  Just a few days before our trip, I got the worst case of food poisoning I have ever had.  It would be really easy to roll into Too Much Information at this point, but I promise not to go there.  Suffice to say I had to call to Sam in the middle of the night because I started to feel very light-headed and thought I was going to faint.  It was a long, long night.  By morning it was evident there were complications, and by afternoon, I ended up in
the hospital Emergency Room until they could get me stabilized.  Before I was released, the doctor said he was scheduling a colonoscopy ASAP and that he didn't want me leaving town for several weeks.

Got a list of what I could eat and what was forbidden.  Got a lot of extra sleep.  Soon I was feeling totally myself again.  Sam cancelled our trip and took care of all the details online.  I thought I was OK with this, but by Saturday I slipped into a deep dark funk, and I just couldn't seem to shake it.  In fact to be totally honest, I didn't want to.  It was a great big pity party, and by evening the tears started, and I just pulled away completely.  First, Sam tried to cheer me up, then he talked more sternly about not slipping into this melancholy.  Finally, he gave up.


 There were several times before ttwd where I would slip into depression and not be able to climb back out.  It could go on for weeks or even months.  Sam would do anything and everything to make me feel loved and cared for, but it didn't usually help.  Since we began ttwd more than 2 years ago, I have noticed that depression doesn't gain an upper hand anymore.  A spanking will usually bring my mood back to center.  Sam has noticed this, too, and has commented that he will never let me slip away from him again.  That always makes me feel safe.

It's still not easy for him.  So by Saturday night, I was physically feeling fine, and Sam did not need to be concerned that I was still sick.  But he still has trouble stepping up as HOH when I am sad.  Can wallop the hell out of me when I am bitchy or lose my temper!  He doesn't blink an eye.  But sadness and tears just confuse him.
Sometimes I can rise above everything and appreciate all the ways I am such a lucky woman.  Other times it just doesn't matter.  I get really down to the point it scares me.

It was bad and I soon realized that what I needed was Sam to say, "No, you will not do this," and back it up with a good long spanking.  But he did not and did not and did not.  By then I thought, "He does not care."  Could not even think of asking him.  Felt all wrong.  So that night I never read.  I never talked.  I never watched a movie.  I just curled up in a big sad ball on the bed.

It wasn't until Sunday morning that Sam took my hand and we went back to the bedroom.  He already had 2 implements setting on the bed.  It was a godawful spanking.  I even cried, which hardly ever happens.  It all came pouring out.  And finally the "Click" came and I was back.  Sam held me for so long, and it felt so good.  I felt safe again.

A day later we talked about what had happened.  Sam said he knew he had waited too long, and I explained what he could do to help me when I get that way again.  The connection between us was back, and we both knew it.

It is difficult to be frank with all of you in this post.  I feel slightly embarrassed to talk about depression, but it is very real for me sometimes.  Is there anyone else who goes through times like this?  Does spanking ever help you, too?


20 comments:

  1. I can't answer for depression but I'm so happy you have both found something that gets you back up on your feet. Life is much too short to wallow in depression so the less time spent down in the doldrums the more time spent in loving this life we've been given.

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    1. Thanks, Sunny. Since you are a very sunny person, I know you speak the truth. It is a scary time when it happens, and I hate it. TTWD is good for us in so many ways, but I have never shared about sadness before. Glad to hear your advice. :)

      Ella

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  2. Oh Ella, depression is so hard to deal with. I think form now on hopefully Sam will step in as soon as it hits you. What a shame you didn't get your holiday, I hope you are feeling much better now,
    lots of love Jan,xx

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    1. Hi to you, Jan,

      I do feel much better now. Thanks for being so sweet. I do really hope Sam understands. Sometimes I worry that I ask too much from him.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  3. I'm kind of high strung and an artistic personality. I do have times when I am struggling, however I manage to talk it out and purge the negative. Spanking does help.
    Just now my Scotsman is away for about 2-3 months. I know it will be hard. Maybe he or I can fly for a spanking?
    I am so sorry you missed your trip! Although I'm glad Sam helped you purge the depression!

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    1. I like how you said that, Minelle. "Purge the negative." That verb seems to describe it well.

      Oh, I know that separation will be hard for both of you. Keep looking at airline ticket prices. Maybe you can surprise him.

      Ella Has Been Purged

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  4. I can sometimes get down - usually because TTWD has never been consistently the way I dreamed it would be. But I'm blessed to say that it has never been true depression. Mine is just a little sad and off - not fun, but never serious and never lasting more than a few days.

    I'm so happy for you two. So glad you were able to have a 'correction' and that you feel better. So how did the medical test come out? Are you okay?

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    1. Hi PK,
      Thanks for visiting. Following the procedure, the doctor told me they saw nothing serious. They did find a small lesion and took a biopsy of the damaged tissue. Just got the report. All the complications were a result of the food poisoning and not anything scary. Healing well.

      True depression is a sinkhole in which you never want to fall. Sam's "correction" was like a life preserver. It is still very hard for him.

      Ella

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  5. I'm sorry the trip didn't happen. That would make me funk too. I do get depressed, but not for long periods and yes, a spanking can help, but I'm usually very resistant to any intimacy when I'm low, and I'm more likely to shut down and hide away. I've not cried during a spanking, and I think it would freak P out if I did. He would struggle to understand why I need it. I try to keep busy, and not worry too much about things I can't control.
    I hope all is alright with you.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Hi DF. It has been so long since we have just climbed in the truck and got away. Can't tell you how much I was looking forward to it. At work, I have a countdown gadget on the desktop of my computer. I had it set to "Vacation" and smiled every time as I watched the days to our trip count down.

      I do not usually cry either. It surely let all the sadness out, though.
      Hugs to you,
      Ella

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  6. Hey Ella...sorry you were so sick and missed your trip. T here is never a reason to feel embarrassed regarding depression...it is something you don't already have control over. Happy Sam was able to pull you out of the funk and you are feeling better. Hope you get to take your trip soon.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. That is a lovely message, Cat. I really hesitated to write about this. It used to scare me so much. There was a time back in 2009 where it was just plain awful. Now, I know Sam wouldn't let it happen again.

      Hugs Back to Cat,
      Ella

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  7. Mostly when I am down, spanking doesn't help. I need hugs the most. But yes, I do agree with you, that sometimes the only way out is a spanking, because there have been occasions (which I am not at all proud of) where I get very 'snarky' when I am down, and become unpleasant to Dan, and unkind. Those have been the occasions when I have been the recipient of what I call 'real disciplinary spankings'. They are almost unbearable to take, but the combination of the spanking, the words spoken and the hugging afterwards always returns us to a peaceful, loving and harmonious household. It all remains a puzzle to me, but the main thing is that it works! Thus we don't have long withdrawn silences or cold, quiet days that are upsetting to both of us.

    I am so glad you are once again 'bouncing around' and full of the joys of spring. I am sure you will get to take your road trip another time.

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. It truly is a puzzle, Ami. Yes, there are also times when anger or mean words spill out, and it is the spanking that resets the relationship. That is when the hugging afterwards is so special. I wonder often why it works the way it does.

      When it is deep sadness that creeps into my soul, I think the spanking is more like throwing me a life preserver. Sam will not let me drown.

      And yes, Friend, I am feeling quite bouncy again! Fall is so beautiful where I live. I love when the weather starts to cool, and it is time to pull out a favorite sweater.

      Hugs Across the Pond,
      Ella

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  8. Hi Ella, I'm so sorry you were so sick and had to cancel your trip. That would have sent me into a funk too. There is absolutely no need to feel embarrassed, depression is so difficult to deal with. I'm so glad that you and Sam have found a way to help you through it.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Roz. They made me think about why I still feel embarrassed when I talk about depression. I guess that I still feel like people might think I am ungrateful for all I have or that they would think I am looking for attention.

      When I first started reading about ttwd, I never in a million years thought it could help with the sadness. It wasn't for months that Sam or I realized that these dark moods just didn't get the better of me like before. It is just another gift that ttwd has given us.

      Hugs!
      Ella

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  9. Dear Ella,
    Please do not feel embarrassed about expressing your feelings. Depression is very real and affects many people in different ways. I am glad you have both found a way to break the cycle and reconnect. I am a highly sensitive person so I feel everything really deeply. I have experienced periods of sadness and anxiety in my life, though usually it does not last long. Regardless it always feels scary to me as I have no control over it when it happens. I just have to hope for it to pass soon and luckily for me it does. I wish I had something to reset me during those times but unfortunately my husband does not quite understand the potential benefit of spanking me in times other than love making. I do think it would help from time to time, even though at the moment I might be resistant. Please take care. Offering big hugs. :-)

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    1. Dear Terps,

      I love that you used, "Dear" to start your note. I suppose that is a bit old-fashioned, but is still a lovely way to start a letter. :)

      You are very intuitive, Terps, because you used the word, cycle. It truly feels that way. You say you are highly sensitive and that you feel things deeply. I also think that probably means you are very tuned in to the feelings of others. When a dark time comes, I have no control. Perhaps that is why the spanking seems to help so much. Sam takes the control for me.

      You have opened my eyes a bit with your visit today. Thank you so much.

      Big Hugs Back to You,
      Ella

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  10. Ella,
    I'm very happy to have found your blog! This post in particular makes so much sense to me. It's so difficult to open up, even here in blogland, on depression. It's a vulnerability I really don't want to have. But it shows up anyway. My Mom passed away a few months ago and finding myself parent-less was just too overwhelming. I understand your words of being scared at just how down you could get. My Man really backed off. Maybe afraid I would truly break? It's been a long road back but we are both very deliberate in our return back to being us again. Great blog post, I am truly thankful you shared.
    XOXO Pearl

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  11. Ella,
    I'm very happy to have found your blog! This post in particular makes so much sense to me. It's so difficult to open up, even here in blogland, on depression. It's a vulnerability I really don't want to have. But it shows up anyway. My Mom passed away a few months ago and finding myself parent-less was just too overwhelming. I understand your words of being scared at just how down you could get. My Man really backed off. Maybe afraid I would truly break? It's been a long road back but we are both very deliberate in our return back to being us again. Great blog post, I am truly thankful you shared.
    XOXO Pearl

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