Saturday, September 12, 2015

Tea and Sympathy






Jan had a very serious post this week that really touched my heart, but gave me so much to think about, too.  Although the reader response did not really surprise me, there was such a surge of thoughtful comments and support from the rank and file.  Everyone was quick to offer "tea and sympathy," but each comment was unique and individual.  The grand total of wisdom and emotion that was shared was immense!

I am not going to repeat what our English Rose wrote, but I urge you to visit her if you have not read her post.  She is reaching out
and trying to sort through so many feelings.  I think she understands how much we do care.

Just Wednesday night at a nearby hospital, I participated in a focus group that was assembled to discuss our recent surgeries.  The group was all women, and we sat around a large table.  Even though we were all strangers, it was amazing how personal and honest the stories were when responding to the discussion starters.  There was a sense of community, because we all shared a common experience.

Then early Thursday morning when I was drinking coffee and visiting blogfriends, I came across Jan's post.  As I read, the tears started and my heart went out to her.  She was so shattered, and yet trying to say it wasn't that important.  The comments from her friends were just as moving and revealing as her post.  I felt again like I was part of a circle of women.  We were from many different places on the map, but we were all sitting around the same table listening and sharing.  Again I sensed that feeling of community, because of our common experience.




When I think of all that it took for me to finally tell Sam about what I needed, the merest hint that it was a game would be enough to cut me to ribbons.  And that has happened to some degree twice that I remember.  Perhaps we think or at least hope that our men can eventually see things through our eyes, but I don't think they can.  The need for him to be the leader and the protector doesn't fit into any nice, neat box.  In our minds and hearts, there is not always the separation of "real life" and "ttwd."  This need of ours crosses back and forth over that line a hundred times a day.

Jan's words reflected her anguish and mistrust.  I think she felt betrayed and so many of the comments acknowledged that.  In my mind I made a comparison; I thought about being naked and having my husband laugh at me.  I would be devastated by something like that.  But trusting our men with this special need of ours is essentially being naked.

I do not remember which one of you once said that we are "wired this way."  But it is true, I think.  And Sam is not wired that way.  He has become my HOH out of love and caring.  He makes mistakes.  Every time we talk about this ttwd he understands a little bit better.  I used to tell my students that I could not unscrew the tops of their heads and pour in all the knowledge.  They had to meet me half way.  As long as Sam will meet me half way, I think we will continue to grow with ttwd. He will never be perfect and neither will I.  I have to be willing to bare my soul and forgive.

        What a wonderful circle of women I have come to know.




  

18 comments:

  1. Hi Ella, I think this is a lovely post, my husband and I have been talking a lot and things are slowly returning to "normal" over here. I have been amazed by the supportive comments, this week i have realised most of my friends are out here in Blogland, I definitely need everyone here more than my real life friends, some of those I just feel under pressure with. It's such a shame we are all so far apart! My husband would never laugh at me, I do know that, that would finish me off for sure.
    Thanks for the post, and the tea and sympathy
    much love Jan,xx

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    1. Jan, you are so welcome. Very glad to know you and John are talking again! I really do think that when you are back in a good place with husband, it will be stronger than ever. You will wonder that it could be better than before.

      I do understand about the closeness of the women who visit here. They know the real me, and I do not need to pretend. How far I have come in the last 2 years. I do not believe Sam would ever laugh at me either. I used it to make a point about baring our souls.

      You are right. I was blown away by the comments to your post. But then again, we appreciate the Jan who always has so much goodness to share.

      Love to you, too,
      Ella

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  2. I honestly feel I would be on anti-depressants if I hadn't found this world so long ago. Blogging friends gave me the courage to come out in the first place and they have kept me afloat so many time as TTWD sank below the surface. I'm not in a good place right now. But whether I come out and post about it or not knowing everyone is here - knowing you really understand my desires and you understand the feelings when it's going well and when it's not going at all lets me know I'm understood. That means everything. Who in our real life would understand any of this.

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  3. We have all traveled down different roads. It so helps me to know that things are not perfect for everyone but me. It is still worth the risk. I could never go back now. I have changed so much and become who I was meant to be.

    Yes, we do understand those feelings. Sometimes it feels like I am writing in front of a mirror. I have the love of many people in my life, but no other women know me as well as all of you.

    Hugs to you, PK,
    Ella

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  4. I think all of us are surprised when we start to blog....the biggest payoff is being a part of this community. We understand each other, we are all different...but we accept that and support each other.
    hugs abby

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    1. I think you are right, Abby. I spent so long just reading and searching. Didn't think I would ever join in. I certainly did not expect to meet so many beautiful women.

      Hugs from Ella

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  5. It is so beautiful to know that we all have each other for support and understanding - though our paths may be different, our hearts are the same. I love the picture of the circle of friends, connected in such a special way. Hugs

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    1. That's it exactly, Terps! "...our hearts are the same." That would be a good topic for a post. As I said, my heart went out to Jan, but I was absolutely amazed at the outpouring of this circle of women. Glad you liked the picture, my friend.

      Hugs.
      Ella

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  6. I love this community. For the most part, we are all supportive of one another. As PK said sometimes someone else is living my life. We are all different, yet alike and we accept the differences and embrace them

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    1. Hello, Sunny. I love when you visit. You shine just like your name.

      Those words about someone else living my life would also be a good topic for a post. I bet it would have a different meaning to each of us.

      Hugs,
      Ella

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  7. Ella, this is such a lovely post. This epitomises why I love this community. I am always amazed and thankful for the wonderful support and encouragement found here. It is so good to have somewhere we can go where we are understood.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Why, thank you, Roz. Your comment makes me think of sisters. I have a sister that I love very much, but I cannot go to her about ttwd. She loves me, too, but she would never understand. It is in this circle that I am truly understood. It was so lovely to see how everyone supported Jan.

      Hugs to you, too!
      Ella

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  8. There seems to be so much going on around blog land whilst I've been away. As you know I am new to this community but I can feel the support everyone gives and it feels really good to know you are all there . Lovely post.
    HUGS Lindy x

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    1. Hi Lindy,
      Welcome back. Those first steps are always the hardest. It is like going to a gathering and not knowing one single person. Where do you begin? I think the best way is to listen. There is a lot of wisdom in this group, and lots of different voices. We are happy to hear your voice, too.

      Hugs,
      Ella

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  9. I agree that this place is wonderful. Building friendships not just support. I think we can all identify with these emotions. Each of us are allowed our differences to express our needs with one another.
    I just try and laugh about my life but there are times when I just disappear until next time or when things are calm or okay.... :-)

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    1. The friendships are the best, Minelle.

      "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You, too? I thought I was the only one." - C.S. Lewis

      It feels so good to know I am not the only one.

      Ella Smiling at You

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  10. What a brilliant post, Ella. It captures, perfectly the love and support for each other here in Blogland. Thank you for putting what we all feel, into words.

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. Oh, Ami, what a lovely thing to say. I am so glad you felt that it not only explained my own feelings but perhaps represented the appreciation we all feel for the friendships here.

      Hugs,
      Ella

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